This is a test … about women testing

by GK on November 3, 2010 · 4 comments

From the moment I got my first pop quiz in elementary school, I hated tests. Still do, in fact. I even hate those emergency-broadcast tests that spring up on TV every now and then.

So when I first started trying to figure women out in my mid-20s, I wasn’t happy to learn that I was getting tested all the time and didn’t even know it. I wasn’t merely being tested, the Community told me. I was being shit tested. I mean, that just sounds nasty, and in my frustration I started overreacting to it in ways that hurt my chances with girls even more. 

Now, it all seems so silly and obvious. Of course women are testing. That’s what life is about, whether it’s applying for a job, going one-on-one against a guy on the basketball court or Jay-Z dissing Nas back in the day. Some of us have it easy, but most of us have to earn what we get by doing something challenging.

So I don’t get defensive now if I think an attractive girl is testing me, whether she’s doing it consciously or subconsciously. I’ve got my own screening process for her, and often, we want each other to pass. There are some girls, of course, who don’t want you to pass and are merely playing you or simply want to be left alone. But if you know how to react to that, you’ll screen them out quickly.

For the student in all of us, I thought I’d offer a pop quiz of my own. The following are some real-life tests women have given, followed by some possible answers. Of course, life isn’t as simple as a multiple-choice exam, and the wrong answer can be the right one. But consider my answers a guideline.

I’ll come back next week with the answers (hint: there might be more than one answer to each).

Question 1: You stumble upon a gorgeous girl in the park, and she’s wearing large sunglasses while listening to her iPod as she lies down on a blanket. You swallow hard, walk up to her and squat next to her as you say hello. She acknowledges you and doesn’t tell you to leave, but you’re asking all the questions and she’s not saying much in response. You can’t tell how engaged she is because you can’t even see her eyes, and her earbuds are still on. What do you do?

A: Don’t change anything. Just keep talking to her and hope she loosens up.

B: Sharply tell her that she’s being a bitch and that you’re not some chump like the other guys who approach her, so she shouldn’t treat you like one.

C: Tell her that you’d like to keep talking to her, then ask her to take off her glasses and earbuds because it feels weird when you can’t tell if she’s listening. Offer to leave if she wants to be left alone.

D: Put on your own sunglasses and earbuds, lie down next to her and say in a mocking female voice, “I’m so pretty and important! I will not pay attention to you and you’ll just hit on me anyway! It’s great to be meeee!”

Question 2: You meet a girl at an after-work bar and you have a half-hour of fun, slightly flirty conversation. It’s time for you to go, but before you do, you tell her you’d like to talk again and suggest trading phone numbers. She responds by giving you her business card, which only has her business number and e-mail address. What do you do?

A: Laugh in her face and say, “I don’t think so! You’re not brushing me off like that. Give me your real number or this ain’t happening.”

B: Take her card and plan to get in touch with her that way. After all, she must know you’re interested, so there’s no need to say anything.

C:  Tell her that while you’re sure she’s a wonderful real-estate broker, you’re looking for a date, not a house, and ask if she has a personal number she can give you.

D: Any of the above.

Question 3: You got the number of a cutie on the dance floor last night, and now you’re calling to make plans with her. You’d like to have a quiet drink at your favorite dive bar. When you call her, she suggests going for dinner. What do you do?

A: Ask her if she expects you to pay, because if so you’d rather not go to a restaurant.

B: Tell her you’d prefer to make dinner alone that night, but you’d love to go for drinks with her and you’d be open to dinner on a second date if all goes well.

C: Tell her you’re not going to be her sugardaddy, so she should stop trying to use you.

D: Ask her where the nearest McDonald’s is so you can take her there.

Question 4: You’re on a second date at your apartment, where you cooked dinner and are now watching a movie. You pretend to yawn as you put your arm around her, she gives you a knowing smile, and suddenly you start making out. You’re heading toward second base and hoping to take at least third tonight when she suddenly withdraws and says, “We’re not having sex tonight.” Boo! What do you do?

A: Start sobbing gently.

B: Jokingly say, “After I made you crab cakes?”

C: Pause and tell her you never said anything about having sex, but there’s no pressure and you’re open to whatever happens. Then, after you start making out again, tell her more explicitly what you want, try taking it further and see how she responds.

D: Tell her, “We’ll see about that.”

Question 5: You’re at a friend’s Halloween house party and have been getting to know Sexy Cinderella for a couple of hours. You haven’t kissed yet because you couldn’t get alone, but the vibe between you is strong. She says she’s going to walk home soon, but she’s not sure whether her friend will walk home with her. What do you do?

A: Jump up and down and say, “Me me me!”

B: Ask her if she’s trying to have sex with you.

C: Offer to walk her home.

D: Don’t say anything, because she’s probably testing you.

Good luck!

{ 4 comments }

1 Erich November 3, 2010 at 9:12 pm

1. C, and D if I was feeling like having fun.
2. C. I recently was told “I don’t have a cell, but you can friend me on Facebook.”
3. B.
4. C.
5. C, and A and B if I was feeling silly.

2 dirkmanley November 5, 2010 at 11:29 am

Those are tests?? 😉

3 GK November 5, 2010 at 12:49 pm

I know it’s not exactly advanced-placement difficulty, Dirk, but humor me!

4 RayJay November 5, 2010 at 6:18 pm

The answer to all of the above is George Washington.

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