A word about relating to her

by GK on June 19, 2009 · 3 comments

It’s mailbag day, boys and girls. Today’s question is brought to me by Jude, who shares a problem he’s having lately: telling a woman how he can relate to her:

“Lately my game has been doing good except for one little thing: relating in emotion. I do get closes though but after doing some (open-ended questions) there are times I just can’t find anything to relate, and other times when women just lose focus while I’m trying to relate to them.

I’ve done the exercises about relating an emotion to a life experience but it is still pretty hard.
So would you say it’s something that I’ll get used to and calibrate with more practice or am I missing something here?”

I’m not the first to say this, but relating to women’s emotions or statements resembles the tonsils of our method — it’s a small part that you don’t need, especially in the early stages. Somewhere along the way, people gave relating a lot more importance than Wayne Elise ever gave it, though our more recent instructors have done a great job of fixing that. Personally, I avoid the topic altogether with students and stick to the Big Four.

I have strong thoughts on this subject because I was one of those guys trying to relate to what women said and looking for “deep rapport” after my bootcamp in ’06. The result of this was that my interactions were too safe, and not sexy enough.

For guys like me who are already the sensitive sort — and many of my students fit this category — relating to emotions can be absolute death. In the search for deep rapport,  they ask too many questions and come off as approval-seeking and soft. 

Look at this from a woman’s perspective (I know, I’m not a woman, but humor me). What would she think of a guy who keeps insisting he’s just like her? Imagine she just met this guy in the produce aisle, and he starts asking her questions, trying to find something to relate to:

Guy: So how’s your day going?

Girl: OK, I’m a little stressed out I guess. I have a lot of work today.

Guy: Oh, I can relate to that! I was stressed out when I was trying to decide what to wear to my friend’s wedding. But I was so in awe of the grandeur of the wedding when I looked at all the people there, and I felt a deep bond of kinship with him at that moment. But I like that you keep busy, I find that sexy about you. What’s your passion?

Girl: My what?

Guy: Your passion in life?

Girl: Um, I don’t know what my passion is. I’m just trying to shop here.

Guy: Yeah, um, I can so relate to not knowing something. I didn’t know what to order at the restaurant the other day …

OK, you get my drift. Perhaps this is an exaggerated example, but I’ve seen guys try this exact strategy — questions followed by him relating to something she said, done over and over again — and get nowhere fast with it. This is what my former mentor Rob called “passive game.”

Active game, on the other hand, includes having the guts to put ourselves out there first and get her to relate to me with statements. This is a lot more believable and attractive to a woman, and Wayne calls it “Nostradamus Theory” because we’re talking enough about ourselves that she’s bound to relate to something and ask us questions. I like what Wayne says about relating: ” When a guy approaches a woman and tries to relate, she becomes suspicious. It just doesn’t ring true.  It’s much better if you allow connection to find you.”

This isn’t to say I avoid relating to women entirely. I can think of great times to relate to someone. But when I do relate, it’s more of a subconscious thing and we’ve already established a connection by then. And I long-ago abandoned deep rapport for fun rapport when I’m meeting someone.

So bottom line, if you’re still on the beginner’s path, I strongly suggest focusing on making yourself relatable, not relating to her.


1 Jude June 20, 2009 at 8:58 am

That’s a great post GK, I do like your example, it does feels exaggerated but I got what you meant right away.
again thanks for your interest, I feel like I can move on now.


2 Beider June 22, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Wow nice post GK and an excellent question Jude. I have been putting too much effort into relating as well I think. I’ll stop working so hard on that and instead focus on the big four more.

3 P.T. June 24, 2009 at 12:11 am

Very helpful post GK, cheers!

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