Are you a nice guy, or a Nice Guy?

by GK on July 20, 2010 · 13 comments

I’m packing for more adventure — I’ll be visiting London and Dublin this week and next — and in my rush I wanted to give you something to chew on while I’m gone. My timeliness in mentioning this woman’s blog post/rant/edict is about as good as BP’s timeliness in capping the oil spill, but better late than never.

I ran across this fiery, five-year-old post about nice guys the other day, and I think it draws an accurate line in the sand between those who are nice because it’s who they are, and “Nice Guys” who are nice because they expect something from a girl. I’ve made a lot of the same contrasts to my students. And as she said, guys can be some combination of the two. Here are three quotes I especially liked:

The guys I have met and known who could legitimately be called Nice Guys were, for one thing, almost invariably bitter. Either they have never gotten over being picked on in junior high/rejected by the popular girls in school, or they haven’t gotten laid in a long time … Whatever it is, they have a huge chip on their shoulders about it, and in their eyes the women of the world owe them for it.

Quote No. 2:

The Nice Guy usually has some glaringly big issues in his life that he isn’t dealing with– things that make him unhappy, but rather than address them, he is convinced that if only he could be with someone, everything would magically get better. (Yeah, guess what, it doesn’t. You still need to get a job/move into a better place/go back to school/get therapy/clean your toejam/tell your parents to piss off/whatever it is.)

Quote No. 3:

Bring something to the table besides basic human decency. I’m not talking about money. Be responsible for yourself, your life, and your happiness. Have good things in your life that you want to share with a wonderful woman, rather than expecting her to fill the holes in your life. Even if you’re a nice loser, you’re still a loser.

So, on which end of the nice-guy spectrum have you been on lately?

Stay tuned while I’m away. I expect to have some exciting news for you in the coming weeks.


1 Andi July 20, 2010 at 8:24 am

oh i think i am all of it, at least a little bit 😉

you have to take care of you life and how you wanna live it
no one else

2 Mark July 20, 2010 at 5:12 pm

Why can we no longer right click?

3 GK July 20, 2010 at 5:22 pm

I was experimenting with a plugin that prevents text from being copied, but it looks like you can’t download things like music files that way either. You should be able to right-click now.

4 Rob July 20, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Greg, you should teach them about the tripod of stability; it is the Nice Guy killer. Ok, maybe that’s dramatic but it will put a guy on the path to getting his shit together and being ready to date without baggage.

5 andy July 21, 2010 at 2:48 am

the tripod would be really nice

what i miss on you blog or charisma arts is the inner game ..
do you act like you are the price?

6 andy July 21, 2010 at 2:56 am

i will tell you my inner game ;-9

Part I:
The main part of inner game

1. Be a man ( dont act like a pussy, picture yourself as a man, what would a man do in that situation )
2. Be dominant
3. Have willpower ( if start something, you have to finish it, dont give up cause its too hard )
4. No other man is better than you ( at least, belive it )
5. You earn Respect

Part II
What women want

1. every women loves sex
2. every women loves to be seduced
3. every women wants to be led

Part III
In general

1. ohter people dont think of you, they think of themselfs
dont be to egocentric
2. dont think “does she/he likes me?”
think: “does i like her/him?”

that are my inner-belives

7 GK July 21, 2010 at 8:51 am

I’m just about to board a plane, so I’ll write about this subject when I’m back. I think teaching “inner game” is a tricky thing because terms like “be yourself” don’t mean much if a guy doesn’t know what to do. But that’s a fine list you have there, Andy.

Anyone else have a Mission Statement like that?

8 jimbo July 23, 2010 at 3:00 pm

As for “Mission Statements” and “inner game/be yourself” comments:

I believe, and what I work on for myself is trying to be mindful of my 1) approval seeking behavior and 2) neediness through my entire day – no matter what activity or work I am pursuing at the moment.

Legendary college basketball coach John Wooden defines success as doing everything you can improve the things that you can control in your life to make yourself the best person that you can be. He emphasizes that success in not the same as winning and that success is never compared with another person’s achievements.

The way I see how he breaks it down is that to focus on winning is to be needy. And to focus on your achievements by comparing them to others is to seek approval. He says to focus on success (the way he defines it) and the win will take care of itself. That basically sums up inner game to me.

He won 10 NCAA national championships in 12 years, including 4 perfect seasons.

9 jimbo July 23, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Last point is that I feel that a woman, especially when you first approach her will show her disapproval (intentionally or not) solely to see if you will be rattled and or continue on the path you just set out to take.

If you can “be yourself,” then it is easier to recover or not even flinch and continue on that path. Continue on that path and she’ll let you know if she doesn’t want to follow it, but will respect you. If you deviate from your path at the first sign of trouble, you’ll have a problem.

And your acceptance of whether she follows or not is non-neediness. Although, I still struggle sometimes with feeling disappointing when she chooses not to follow and I know I have a lot to offer her.

10 GK July 23, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Keep the comments coming! I’d add something but my hostel Internet time is about up.

11 andy July 24, 2010 at 12:48 am

you also have to keep in your mind

if you talk with a person, at the beginning
the person isnt very outgoing and maybe shy or reserved but if you know this and you will talk about yourself ( i-perspective ) and you ask open-ended questions ( maybe a bit touching at day ) the person will open up

i wanna say 😉
–> at the beginning your approach is reserved but will open up
dont get awed by their behaviour

12 dirkmanley July 24, 2010 at 5:48 pm

I agree. Most “nice guys” aren’t honest with others and then resent it when others reject them for it. That doesn’t seem very nice to me.

13 jimbo July 25, 2010 at 6:08 pm

Well said, Dirk. “Nice guys” are manipulative. Attractive men lead by the example they set by being themselves and give others the choice to follow. When a man can influence how others think, feel or act simply by being himself it is sexy to a woman.

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