Be good to your gatekeepers

by GK on April 7, 2009 · 4 comments

I consider socializing to be an intimate dance between selfishness and altruism. I may be a social coach, but I’m also an introvert — yes, the two can coexist — and I’m not at a party to talk to everyone in the room or make them feel warm and fuzzy. I can be quite content just keeping to my friends and flirting with the occasional cutie. However, making friends is often a byproduct of what I do in the pursuit of fun, and it comes with some great rewards. Especially when it comes to the ladies.

Two nights ago, I arrived alone at a private party on the rooftop of a downtown San Francisco apartment. I left with a hot woman in high heels on my arm, and that was made possible simply by being friendly with the right people.

Who you gonna call?

Who you gonna call? Gatekeepers!

Last week, my buddies and I chatted up the bartender at my local nightspot — I’m chummy with much of the staff there — and I got a kick out of learning about the guy. He models, as it turns out, and he has access to an inordinate amount of attractive women. This, class, is what we call a gatekeeper. No, not like Sigourney Weaver in “Ghostbusters.” I’m talking about people who can expand your social circle in a big way.

My new bartender friend invited us to a party where he’d be working. As it turned out, they couldn’t go, and I had some butterflies about going solo because I knew none of the guests. Indeed, soon after I entered I approached a stylish-looking pair of girls, only to find they’d left their friendliness at home, and they shot me down in two minutes. I had entered the Forbidden City that George Costanza talked about, but I was still a stranger.

But as I stepped out to the rooftop and took in the unusually balmy San Francisco air, I saw the opportunity for fun. And to win friends, I had to be a friend. So I parked myself in a busy area and struck up a conversation with the guy standing next to me. As it turned out, he was starting an online magazine and was looking for contributors — so I was in luck already. We were getting along well.

Then he introduced me to the lovely brunette he came with — “we’re just friends,” he made sure to point out — and he invited me to flirt away with her. Now I’d met another gatekeeper. And I was in.

She and I took turns dancing and getting to know each other, and before long the guy had to get going. But he asked the girl if she wanted to stay with me, and she said yes.  We had a fun little insta-date, and I ended up walking her home. We’ll be meeting again. And you can believe I made sure to thank the bartender that night for inviting me. I also thanked the host and asked to be invited to future parties.

You don’t have to meet bartenders of trendy nightspots to find gatekeepers. They can be the leaders of activity groups, or the staff at a clothing store, or just someone with a lot of friends. But do find them if you want more social access, and cultivate friendships with them. Before long, YOU will be the gatekeeper.


1 Beider April 7, 2009 at 3:07 am

Great post, I actually feel I can relate to that experience now. I chatted up a bunch of guys at my favorite bar two weeks ago. I got the number of one of them and sent him a message the day after. I didn’t hear from him until last Sunday when he invited me out for brunch with his buddies.

Turns out I am in luck, him and his buddies play in a local punk/rock band and they invited me to their next concert. They said they would put me on the guest list so I will get in free. I also took the opportunity to invite them out to the park two weeks from now along with a bunch of my other new friends that I met in various bars. Drinking beer in the park with a bunch of friends is always a lot of fun, in fact it is my favorite summer activity.

I am trying to introduce people from the various social circles I have entered to each other now, to offer some value back to my new friends. It just feels wrong to always be invited to stuff and never invite other people.

2 Country Boy April 7, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Great post Greg! I like your views on things, particularly this. I feel that as a good PUA, you should be friendly with everyone you meet even if you don’t have a sexual interest in them. I think that everyone has something to offer and by being un-friendly, you close yourself off to many good oppurtunities. This is a lesson that I have recently learned, since converting to CA. Keep up the good work!

PS: I really liked the before and after pick of you losing you V card. A world of difference, my friend.

3 GK April 7, 2009 at 6:32 pm

I can’t help but chuckle at the photo 12 years later, Country Boy. :) And I agree that by being friendly, everyone wins.

4 Johnny April 9, 2009 at 6:30 pm

This blog kicks ass! Keep up the good work.

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