Dirk’s ABCs of closing with a woman

by GK on April 5, 2010 · 9 comments

Baseball season is back, so it makes sense that I’m going to the bullpen on this post. I want to get some different perspectives for you folks, and the one guest blogger I had to have was Dirk Manley. He’s making his GK Shares Game debut today.

I’ve been a fan of Dirk for years on the Charisma Arts forum, and more recently on his blog, Being Manley. My only problem with him is that his common-sense advice on women is so spot-on and well-articulated that I’m a little jealous.

Like any good relief pitcher, Dirk’s a great closer, and for you guys wondering how to escalate things with a girl, whether it’s five minutes or five days after meeting her, this is some million-dollar wisdom. You can try all the fancy-schmancy, passive-aggressive techniques you want, but coffee is for closers only. Are you man enough to take it? I know you are. Enjoy:

Hey guys,

Greg asked me to write a little something about escalation.  And since he’s one of the few instructors in the community I respect, I couldn’t refuse. 

The first thing to realize about escalation is that it’s not about what she wants.  That is, when I escalate, I care more about expressing my desires for her than if I lose her as a result of making my desires known.  Now, I’m not gonna rape her if she rejects my advances.  One of my biggest turn-ons is knowing she wants me.  Call me needy, but I like women who are attracted to me.  At the same time, if I am turned on, I’m gonna make a move and not wait for her to tell me it’s OK. 

Lets say I’m at a deli.  She’s the cute short blonde ahead of me.  At this point we’re still strangers.  So how do you take it to that next level, potential mate? 

It takes brass you-know-whats to be a closer.

Well, how do you know you want her just yet?  Sure she looks cute, but is that all it takes to get you turned on and ready to get busy?  If so, just say hi and be direct.  But me, I need more than that.  So I wait a bit and look for anything that interests me.  If I can’t find anything, I might try being direct, but even if I don’t and she disappears, I don’t sweat it.  She did nothing to interest me, and if I’m not interested, I don’t waste my time. 

She orders a salad to go.  A salad!  Doesn’t she know it’s not cool to order a salad in a deli?  I don’t even know if I want her anymore.  So after she looks at me place my order for a heart-clogging pastrami on rye loud enough for the pope to hear, I give her the stink eye.  Now something incredible happens.  Her discomfort turns into laughter to release some tension.  Which gets me laughing a little because hey, laughter is contagious. 

She’s back in the potential mate category.  She doesn’t take herself too seriously and I can make her laugh, which makes my ego huge, which makes something else a little bigger. 

But now what?  Do I just go over and introduce myself?  Do I say something clever and witty?  Well, yes.  Anything works.  She’s already laughed and I haven’t even done anything but express contempt for her faux pas.  She’s into me, so anything I say and do will work. 

So I do what any self-assured, self-confident, introvert would do — I raise my brow and ask “a salad?” mockingly. Why tease her?  Because it’s the first thing on my mind.  If I say the first thing in my head, I don’t have to think about what to say.  The first thing in my head is my instincts telling me what to do.  My instincts have never led me wrong.  Yet my fears kept me friendless and sexless for 25+ years.  And, I can say this without ever having met you, the same goes for you, even if you don’t know it yet. 

Then I invite her to taste my meat.  Of course, I don’t use those words.  I could, but I’m not clever enough to think of that on the spot.  I invite her to take a bite out of my sandwich before she leaves.  It is, after all, the only reason to eat at this deli, and she ordered a salad.  Simple, boring, but good enough.  Why?  Because I believe in the tenet “always be closing”.  Those who accept my invitations want me.  Those who don’t accept either need to warm up or aren’t interested.  Regardless of their desire, I only have to close to find out which camp they are in. 

But the invite I make, the close I go for, depends on what I want and the amount of time I have.  For example, she ordered it to go, so I wouldn’t ask her to eat with me*.  And it takes more than a cute girl who laughs at my jokes to get me naked.  Not much more, but more.  So I don’t ask her back to my place for a quickie.  I don’t even ask for her number or a date because I don’t know if I’d enjoy talking to her let alone dropping $20-$30 on drinks or food and a couple of hours of my life.  I value myself and my time that much. 

So I make an invite to take a bite of my sandwich which keeps her around till my sandwich gets here, which gives us a chance to flirt and otherwise decide if I really want her (which I haven’t yet decided at this point).  She could reject my invite and me.  But the point is that I make myself open to rejection.  I express my desire while not worrying about losing her.  If I lost her over some food, what other problems would I have to deal down the line?  I come out on top regardless of how she reacts to my invite. 

But let’s say I get the feeling she’s into me, just not into tasting my meat — yet.  Well, I could say something like “you’ve soundly rejected my offer of meat, so how about a drink instead?”  I don’t bother with saying “I think you’re sexy because of your sense of humor” or any such thing.  If I didn’t think she was attractive, I wouldn’t flirt with her.  I wouldn’t ask her out.  I don’t have to justify my actions to anyone.  But if she asked why, I’d say it.  “I think you’re cute despite having awful taste in food.  Maybe you have some other redeeming qualities.”  I’m not afraid of letting people know my reasons, I just don’t feel compelled to do so every time I express my desires.  This helps me focus on closing rather than distracted by thinking up justifications, clever or otherwise. 

So now we’re at a bar, we’re laughing, and flirting and touching each other and all around having a good time.  How do I make that move from awesome date to awesome mate?  I just make it!  I’m having a good time, so I like her.  And she likes me!  If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be out with me.  If she didn’t, she’d look like she wanted to be somewhere else.  And if she did, I’d let her go.  I got better things to do than to try to impress Debbie Downer, even if she was into me.  Like wash my car.  But she likes me.  And I like her.  So I say it first.  Or maybe I do it first.  I let my eyes slide down to her cleavage (she’s showing it off for a reason, AND, if I didn’t want to look at her cleavage, I’d find someone whose cleavage did interest me and not waste her or my time).  Or I tap her lightly on the butt when we walk to the dance floor.  Or maybe I do my favorite move and while I’m holding her hand, I caress her palm with my middle finger while letting my eyes say “I want you.”  Or I just say “Hey, what flavor lip gloss are you wearing?”  Or even “I’m going to kiss you in 5, 4, 3, 2…”  And then kiss her. 

The best advice I got from a woman was that sometimes cheesy can be good.  Since then, I made it a point to not hide any natural cheesiness.  My point is, I do exactly what expresses my interest as simply as possible.  I don’t try to make my moves subtle or covert.  I don’t try to be smooth.  I don’t chat up everyone in the bar, showing her how cool I am or otherwise impress her.  I only go after what I want directly and simply.  I close.  And by trying to close, I find out if she’s 1) into me, 2) into me but wants to take it slow, or 3) not into me. 

When it comes time to go back to my place or hers, it’s the same deal.  “Wanna come up for some coffee,” “want to see my stamp collection,” or even a simple “want to come in?”  Anything works if she’s into you.  And if she’s not into you, nothing works.  Not even “I’ve got a check for a million dollars with your name on it”. 

Go for the close, and you’re a step closer to getting the women you want. 

Just know who and what you want. 

*But even if I did ask her to eat with me knowing she’s ordered to go, it’s not a deal breaker, I just change the invite after she lets me know.  This isn’t high school.  You’re not gonna be strung up on the flagpole for asking something stupid.  And she’s not going to put you in a do not date category because you asked her to eat with you when she ordered to go.  Learn to roll with the punches.  Life ain’t perfect.  And neither are you.  Stop trying to be perfect.  Acknowledge your imperfections and go after what you want anyway.  Those people are far more interesting than Peter Perfect and Mr. I’m-Not-Good-Enough.

{ 9 comments }

1 GK April 5, 2010 at 9:26 pm

One lesson I hope guys take from this is that you shouldn’t do all the work. She needs to seduce you too, and looks alone aren’t enough to beat yourself up if you don’t take it somewhere with her. Only close the girls who earn it.

2 Erich aka Commando April 5, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Holy smokes, this is a monster mashup! Your and Dirk’s posts have always been money. They helped me dust of my balls and not take things so seriously.

3 Dirkmanley April 6, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Thanks for the great intro and opportunity to write, Greg. I second your observation and perhaps should have made it more clear. A woman who is not willing or able to show you she is interested in you is not worthy of you.

4 Ryan April 7, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Wow. This post does a great job of letting you inside the mind of somebody with a great attitude towards their relationships with women. It compliments GK’s simple “this-really-isn’t-as-hard-as-guys-make-it” approach to pick up. Stuff like this makes me a little more fearless when it comes to approaching girls. I’ll have to read more of DirkManley’s stuff now.

5 Contango April 14, 2010 at 1:32 pm

It doesn’t matter if pickup is dead or alive or in purgatory….great advise is ALWAYS in vogue! Great post and keep them coming (no pun intended….well, maybe)!

6 jimbo April 28, 2010 at 1:26 am

Dirk wrote, “Those who don’t accept either need to warm up or aren’t interested… And by trying to close, I find out if she’s 1) into me, 2) into me but wants to take it slow, or 3) not into me. ”

I don’t know if Dirk is around, but GK, can you answer this or get him to answer this: How do you tell if she isn’t “warmed up” or isn’t interested? Or, in other words, how do you find out she is #2 on his list or #3, and if she is #2, how do you proceed until she’s ready?

Thank you

7 GK April 29, 2010 at 12:10 am

Hey Jimbo. I’m only speaking for myself here, but even if you could read minds, you won’t always know whether it’s 2 or 3. She might tell you it’s 3 when it’s really 2, and vice versa. Then there are times when it’s easier to tell, such as if she’s not walking away from you despite your attempt to escalate.

What matters ultimately is what you want, and her actions. If she follows your lead, she’s into you, and if she doesn’t, she’s not. But if you’re still interested in her even though she turned you down once, you can always try again. She might change her mind, and she might not. But you decide how long you’re willing to wait.

8 Dirkmanley May 2, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Hey Jimbo, Greg is right on.

It really depends on how you feel in the moment. I’ve had girls say “maybe later” (in actions, not always words) in ways that turned me off immediately. And I’ve had girls say “NO!” but in such a way it just made me want to keep trying. Maybe it was the spark in their eyes, their devilish smile, etc.

But I firmly believe if you stop worrying about how you look and stop worrying if you are doing right by her standards, you’ll be able to react to her. And reacting to her is what she wants. It’s also what you want, believe it or not.

You don’t hit on girls you find unattractive because not hitting on them is a reaction to their unattractiveness. Hitting on attractive girls is a reaction to their attractiveness. But rather than basing it on just looks, and by being in the moment, you are able to react to who she is, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

And your reactions say a lot about you. Rather than trying to hide who you are, I firmly advocate revealing and sharing who you are. It’s the only way to build honest relationships. By not hiding your reactions, you reveal who you are and what you want, allowing her to react to you.

And in the end, we want her to react to us, we want to know that we are turning her on and not some act we put on.

Go after what you want for however long you are willing to go after it. It might be a minute for one girl, it might be a year for another. It’s about how she makes you feel. Pay attention to that and you can’t go wrong.

9 Mark October 26, 2010 at 5:38 am

Wow – dirk is a huge dick and completely full of himself. He will attract low quality skanks and hos with these awesome moves. He sounds like an SNL skit. Wait, am I being punked! You got me!

Comments on this entry are closed.