Regarding the study of attraction and dating, I’ve always been one to play Biff and push around the George McFlys of the academic world. But sometimes, those Buttheads get my attention, and nowhere are their virginal-yet-exact methods more useful than for online dating.

Perhaps I like this particular dissection of online dating because, in a way, it contradicts science. Or, at least, the half-assed science of online-dating algorithms.

You can read a much shorter explanation in the New York Times, but I took one for the team and read the entire 64-page article written by Eli J. Finkel and four others, which is to be published in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest.

Finkel and the gang examine the validity of online dating, and I was especially interested in its critique of matching sites — namely eHarmony — that use algorithms to predict not just compatibility with another partner, but also long-term relationship success with a “soulmate.” (Sorry, I can’t help but put quotations marks around the word, since I consider the idea of the perfect partner one of mankind’s worst and most harmful inventions. But that’s for another post.)

In short, the authors don’t conclude that mathematical matching sites are any worse at producing lasting relationships than the old-fashioned way of saying hello to that honey in the bar. But after examining the facts, they don’t consider them any better, either, even though users are paying a lot more for those sites than $10 for a vodka gimlet, and spending many hours chained to their desks.

The article’s reasoning includes the following:

• Although nobody knows exactly how the sites’ algorithms work — something the authors also object to — we do know that they can’t possibly measure how two people get along after they meet each other (such as resolving disagreements), as well as what external forces (finances, stress, etc.) will arise. Yet these latter factors have far more effect on how a relationship ends up.
• The algorithms use similarities in personality and attitude to match people. And while such similarities do appear to foster attraction, their effect on long-term relationships is practically zero. Introverts do just as well with extroverts, for example.

But there is a twist: the authors suggest that to succeed at online dating, singles are better off with a screening site like eHarmony over a feeding-frenzy site like OK Cupid, just because of the illusion of greater compatibility:

A second process that may emerge as a result of users’ faith in the validity of a site’s algorithm is the placebo effect … A user’s belief in the validity of the algorithm used by a dating site may cause him or her to view a match as compatible.

To those of you familiar with the seduction community, this is online dating’s version of social proof. And I can see their point, the same way I know that a beautiful woman is more likely to choose one of two guys at a private party than one of 20 dudes at a bar. When we’re loaded with options, as on many dating sites, we’re less likely to pick one. Or we pick one for the wrong reasons.

I can’t deny that I have a bias in all this, considering how much time I’ve spent teaching guys how to meet women in person. And the report only confirms what I found in my experiment with online dating: the one advantage to it is easy, low-risk access to singles, which puts me at a disadvantage. Offline, I’m one of the few guys with the guts to approach an attractive woman.

That said, I am an emo-boy romantic, and if computers could match us all with someone uniquely meant to last with us, I would be all for that. It’s just that it won’t happen anytime soon. So I’d rather spend my leisure time in the analog glory of the outdoors.

I’m excited to share this two-part guest post with you, because I’ve been badgering (heck, honey badgering) this guy into sharing his insights on this blog. It’s from my good friend Tre Tre.

Chances are that if you’re reading this blog, like me you’re familiar with some of the pickup-artist theories and techniques out there. Even if, like me, you’ve realized so much of them as incomplete and misleading. Or maybe you’re a fan of them, and if so, that’s your right.

But for anyone who’s learning to overcome his social fears, I urge you to heed what Tre Tre says about the downfall of pickup techniques in pursuit of women. I can’t think of anyone I know who lives a more genuine, purposeful and adventurous life than him, and he’s the friendliest guy you’ll meet.  He’s hardly a pickup artist when we’re out, yet he attracts hot women with minimal effort, and he’s earned the nickname Tre Tre by enjoying more threesomes than your average rock musician. I should add that he’s 5-foot-9, balding and low in cash.

You can also read about how he once taught a famous local athlete about game. Take it away, Tre:

“Since its inception, pickup has been centered around various theories,  broken down into a series of techniques for their application. In the vast, open space of learning how to meet women, pickup gurus make their cash in giving you, the novice, techniques on how to make that woman fall for you.

While the logic they base their theories on is often completely reasonable, they don’t address the core problem. Nor do they provide the individual with a way to reconcile his personality to the actions he’s delivering.  Many well-meaning guys become frustrated by a saturation of technique.  It is almost as if you are a B actor given a B script and you now have to give the performance of your life in front of a woman who’s looking for an Academy Award-winning performance.  You’ve lost before you even began.

This style may not be for you.

Pickup today is devoid of strategy; it is almost entirely tactics and frameworks.  The tactics may be interesting, but as we collect knowledge and theory, the reality of their everyday application is often very different.  The accumulation of all this knowledge can become paralyzing because, in the heat of battle, your emotions kick in, your mind becomes cluttered and you can’t summon the right technique at the right time.  You fail and often don’t think of the right thing to say or do until after the interaction is well over.

This doesn’t mean that analysis and ideas don’t matter – far from it.  It is all about marrying the RIGHT ideas and applying the RIGHT lessons to actual experience in a way that allows us to connect with who we are to the world as it actually is.

It is about being so cognizant in the present moment that you are sensitive to everything that is happening around you.  You are pulled out of the present moment when you are stuck with your own thoughts, trying to apply a series of theories and techniques that happened in the past to an entirely different problem.

Forget your PUA techniques and focus on winning the battle of your mind.  All the knowledge, experience and techniques have limitations, as no amount of thinking in advance can prepare you for the chaos of life and the infinite possibilities of the current moment.  To win the battle of your mind, you have to do three things:

1. Become aware of your weaknesses and fears.
2. Develop Presence of Mind.
3. Commit to continual movement: put yourself into your most fearful situations and redefine yourself every day.

Your emotions are much stronger than your mind.  If you haven’t prepared your mind for the moments where your emotions grow in intensity, your emotions will win every time.  You need strength, not more knowledge or techniques.

You can’t win by reading this article.  You can only do it by practicing, experiencing and suffering through it as you gain strength. You will fail at first, but you will rule at staying calm in the midst of chaos, to the point where you will always be finding a way to win.  If you let it slide for a moment, you’ll slide back into letting your emotions control you.

Exercises for developing these skills will be discussed in Part 2.”

I never get tired of hearing success stories, and I’ve got another one for you. This one comes from a special event: my last bootcamp with Charisma Arts almost two years ago.

I enjoyed myself immensely during that session, in part because both guys I coached that weekend were starting from scratch in their social lives yet showed great promise. One of those guys was Peter, who was in his mid-20s. Like so many of the fellas I’d coached before, he was a nice guy who needed to find the confidence to assert himself with women.

I’d heard little from him since that weekend, until a few days ago when he sent me an uplifting e-mail about what he’s been up to. I loved reading his story because it felt real — he didn’t change overnight — and because his long-term success with women didn’t require becoming a pickup artist, as so many guys believe they need to be.

Rather, he took who he was and tailored a social life around that. I’ll let Peter say the rest, and pay attention to the “Godfather” reference:

“To make a long story short, after my bootcamp with you, I was still scared as hell approaching girls.  Even though many of the self-limiting beliefs were broken during my bootcamp such as how open girls are to talking.  I got a couple of numbers in the next few months and went on I think three dates.

I met a new group of friends, however, who were just like me — single and ready to party.  I thought eventually through our network I could meet a girl I really like.

Then came a day in early February of last year.  My friend called me up and said a girlfriend of his wanted to go salsa dancing and a couple of her single girlfriends were going to be there.  Honestly, I wasn’t too excited about salsa dancing as it really isn’t my thing, but I said why not.  I could maybe see some girls there and for sure get to meet 3 single girls.  I went to the salsa event and had a blast, met the girls and initially I had no interest in either of them.  But they were cool as hell.

Wanna get mentioned in my blog? Just make a reference to this movie.

Slowly but surely I started to find interest in one of the girls from that night.  We had events that the group would go out on, and she and I would talk, flirt and talk some more.  I recalled two of my friends telling me separately that they saw great chemistry between us.  I also felt that way. Finally on the day of her birthday party, I asked her out.

She said, “Make me an offer I can’t refuse.”  I simply said, “You know what, I’m just going to take you out, have a couple of drinks and have a great time.”  She then responded “Okay.”  (Later on she said she liked how confident I said it and how simple my answer really was).

So then I took her out on our first date for dessert and drinks.  The dessert part of the date was awesome really.  I played a little game of “Pick a dessert for me and I pick one for you.”  She loved it. After, I took her over to a bar, and we just had a couple of drinks and danced.  I remember trying to constantly grind up on her and kiss her.  She refused my kisses all through the night.  I didn’t mind though because I liked her a lot.

The grinding and trying to kiss her aggressively probably wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t find Charisma Arts.  Honestly, Charisma Arts gave me the confidence to be flirty with her leading up to our first date.  You focusing on the Big 4 made things so much easier!  Saying things I wouldn’t have thought to say.  Touching her in ways I would have never touched a girl before.  She said she liked my confidence and honestly I never really thought me as a confident person.

So to make a long story short, I’m still with this girl.  She’s awesome and we have great chemistry.  Although I do believe that if we had met two years ago (before our bootcamp) I don’t think I would have had the skills to get her.  I want to THANK YOU for what you have taught me.  I do think many guys out there need the help that you provide but aren’t willing to admit it.  But I’m glad I took the leap, paid up and got the knowledge from it.”

No, Peter. Thank YOU.

It occurred to me lately that I should add to my blogroll. I only have one site listed, and even though I prefer to avoid the seduction-community scene because of all its sleaze, I know I can find like-minded bloggers to add here. That’s part of why I got on Twitter recently.

But they would be hard pressed to match the value of that one blog. That’s because it was Dirk Manley’s.

Dirk died one year ago, last Jan. 13. When it comes to our subject matter, I have yet to find a writer of his equal in this cold, impersonal space where strangers give advice to strangers. And I don’t even mean he was the most skilled writer out there, because he wasn’t. I just loved what he was saying and how he said it. As I said in my eulogy, I saw a lot of myself in the guy. Maybe that just means I love myself too much, who knows.

Unfortunately, far too few people read Dirk’s posts because he did little to promote his blog — he wasn’t selling anything, and he didn’t need the attention. But for those who haven’t read him yet, I thought I’d salute him with a sampling of posts that are worth reading:

• Dirk’s ABCs of closing with a woman: A major refrain in Dirk’s advice was the importance of making a move, regardless of how the guy makes it or how smooth he is. He provided an excellent guest-post for me here. There’s the bonus of watching Alec Baldwin go bananas in the video.
• Why the Community is wrong: A very accurate distillation of what the seduction community is selling: the fantasy of video-game perfection in seducing that “10.”
• Leading Part 3: Dirk was in a monogamous relationship while I knew him, but here he does give an account of when he and his girlfriend pursued a third member one night. His explanations of his failure and success are typical, no-bullshit Dirk.
• One-night stands: This isn’t just about the flaws with one-night stands, but also the flaws with pursuing relationships and with “game” as a measure of success.
• Rejection: Aside from being great advice, this is a great example of Dirk’s blunt, Charles Bukowski-like style. Reach for her crotch, indeed.

I invite you to check out the rest of Dirk’s blog and find your own notable posts.

Yes, yes, next I plan to try out the wheel. But better late than never, so I opened up a Twitter account a few days ago. You can find my 140-character wisdom under my @GK_greg handle.

Since my blogging time is limited these days, I figure this will give me a quicker way to stay engaged with you guys, while hopefully making some new friends along the way.

I can’t wait to use my first hashtag.

So, 2011 is just about to become history. But before we look ahead to a 2012 full of wine, women and great Spotify playlists, I want to look back on what this year meant to me. Perhaps it’ll give you something to chew on for next year’s goal-setting.

First, let’s talk party real quick. If you’re new to my blog and want a quick primer on how to make your New Year’s Eve a memorable night, here’s a hookup guide I wrote a couple of years ago. Enjoy, and always use protection.

Now, back to the deep stuff. Well, deep for me, anyway. I’m going to be talking about “Rocky” here.

It was the day after Christmas 2010, and I was at home, jet-lagged from a month-long vacation to Australia and Asia. I had the time of my life out there, but I also knew I’d been escaping some things. Now that I was done with social coaching as a job, I wanted to get back into my original career as an editor. But such work had proved scarce for me in the post-newspaper era, and I was anxious about it as a new year loomed.

That night I was on my bed watching the original “Rocky,” which is still the best sports movie ever made. People confuse the cheesier sequels with the fine craftsmanship of the original, and it holds up over 30 years later.

And for all its entertaining and thrilling moments, the movie offered my greatest inspiration when Rocky, who was picked for the fight because he was a nobody, admits he can’t beat Apollo.

As he lies on his own bed the night before the fight, Rocky says the following to Adrian: “It really don’t matter if I lose this fight. It really don’t matter if this guy opens my head, neither. ‘Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody’s ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I’m still standin’, I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren’t just another bum from the neighborhood.”

That’s what makes it such a unique sports movie. People forget that Apollo beats Rocky by a split decision, but that’s not the climax of the movie. The real climax is near the end, when a beaten-senseless Rocky gets knocked down and his own corner tells him to stay down.

But somehow, and to Apollo’s astonishment, Rocky stumbles around and gets on his feet, and he finishes handing Apollo the worst beating of his life as the bell rings. Damned if I don’t get choked up every time I see it.

And this time when I saw it, I made the rare New Year’s resolution that actually means something: I couldn’t control what kind of work I found in ’11, but I would hold nothing back in reinventing myself and finding it, no matter what kind of rejection I got. I would go the distance, only without the boxing shorts and orchestral music.

The year got off to a rough start. I lost a friend in Dirk Manley who died senselessly at the hands of a drunk driver. Then I lost a woman who I was very interested in, and it was because she disapproved of this blog and my coaching past. This caused me to briefly delete some of the blog’s contents over fears that other women or employers would disapprove the same way, and it was only after friends, readers and a career coach encouraged me to restore the content that I did.

Looking back, I’m so thankful for the experience, because I was confronted with the importance of embracing all I’ve done to help guys over the years, and to OWN that experience the same way I tell guys to own what they do. If a woman or employer disapproves, we were a bad match anyway.

Once I emerged from that funk, I put my game face on. With no income and my unemployment checks run out, I sharpened my job-seeking skills, took a class and networked as my resumes continued to go unanswered. (Unfortunately, this also meant halting my work on the logistics book I’ve promised you, and I apologize for that. I still hope to get back on that once my career is more settled.)

I also started telling women I dated about my blog right away, and what do you know? They thought it was dandy, and I had some great times with them.

Somehow, with some help from a former co-worker, I got a job interview with a huge company. I even mentioned this blog during the interview. And since July, I’ve been producing content that’s read by millions while earning more than I ever did in newspapers.

Can I get an “ADRIAN!!!!” from the congregation?

It’s just a contracting job and I can always lose it, but just like with Rocky, that’s beside the point. I won a greater battle. And as you set goals, whether they concern six-pack abs or six-figure salaries, I think it’s something to consider. The greater glory isn’t in winning or losing each battle — it’s in the determination and follow-through.

Happy New Year, everyone.

This topic was born in the comments section of my post on breaking it off with women, and I thought it deserved its own mention.

The question comes from Barry, who asks whether I think it’s worthwhile to bed a “slumpbuster” when in a dry spell, as I suggest in one of my earliest posts. Like before, I attested to the slumpbuster’s magical powers. His response:

Can I ask why? No disrespect meant, but am I not giving into frustration by doing so? I agree it gets you back in the zone or so, but maybe rediscovering where I went right or wrong in previous attempts could be more productive. I don’t mean to be an ass (which I am being) but I guess I feel by doing so-considering a slumpbuster-I’m admitting defeat!

I’m glad you raised the question, Barry. And lest anyone think I’m suggesting an all-out raid of a cankle convention, please allow me to clarify.

I had a meaningful conversation about this subject in a podcast with dR, back when we were with Charisma Arts. You’ll see me repeat some of what he said here.

The term “slumpbuster” — an unattractive woman used to end a dry spell — was popularized by a former baseball player named Mark Grace  (I have like 25 of his rookie cards from 1989). And it’s appropriate that he did it. Nobody knows the pain of a slump like a ballplayer.

It’s the perfect analogy, really. When an athlete slumps, he starts trying too hard. What once seemed easy now seems difficult because of a few bad breaks, and he’s created such a negative self-fulfilling prophecy that he plays scared or withdraws entirely.

This condition is otherwise known as Fourth Quarter LeBron-itis.

However, one cheap infield hit or easy layup can restore an athlete’s confidence and get him rolling again. Success in many walks of life comes in streaks, and this can be no less true with sex and dating. Many a man in a serious relationship, acting much more indifferently around women, has wondered why NOW they decide to throw themselves at him.

And lots of guys, including myself, have found that once a dry spell had ended and the smell of trying too hard had been removed, getting hotter women became a lot easier. I know you’re concerned with learning from mistakes, Barry, but there’s no need to punish yourself while you learn. And often, especially for experienced guys, dry spells are more about luck than skill.

Now, am I suggesting you grab the nearest disgusting, annoying beast of a girl? Of course not! By slumpbuster, I’m talking someone who’s a notch or two below the caliber of woman you’d normally consider attractive. I hate using numbers with women, but if you normally hook up with sevens, this means hooking up with a five.

She should at least have SOME attractive quality, whether it’s her eyes or her encyclopedic knowledge of American presidents (if that turns you on). If you need a double-shot of Viagra just to seal the deal, it defeats the purpose of busting a slump. You’re liable to believe your slump is unchanged.

Otherwise, I see no reason to admit defeat. One beer-soaked dalliance with a less-attractive woman doesn’t mean anything in the big picture. (That said, if you’re going to find a slumpbuster and you’re concerned about your reputation, do it away from your usual hangouts. Because women will judge you by the caliber of girl you hook up with.)

There are limits to the Slumpbuster Rules. Do not return to her or seek out another less-attractive girl, because that can lead to settling. You’ll have removed that sexual urgency, so use that opportunity to meet the kind of girls you normally go for.

In the meantime, here’s a little ditty to inspire you:

It’s mailbag time, boys and girls! The question comes from a new friend of mine, SW of Philadelphia, who is wondering how to tell a woman he’s dated several times that he’s no longer interested, while letting her keep her dignity and letting him remain free of stab wounds.

SW’s mini-crisis boils down like this, and I hope you’re better with numbers than I am: He started off seeing Girl No. 1 for a while. While he was seeing her, he simultaneously met Girls 2 and 3 online, and he particularly hit it off with Girl No. 3.

So well, in fact, that he wants to focus on Girl No. 3 and cut ties with the other two. “Having to break it off with a girl I’m not even official with …  it’s uncharted territory for me,” SW said.

Here’s the rest of his story:

Maybe for some guys they’re fine to just stop texting, and not answering the other girls’ texts, but I cannot do that. I don’t want to keep them hanging on when I don’t foresee a future with either of them. I actually just got a call from (Girl No. 2) tonight and we had a great conversation, but I could not bear to wait any longer.

I explained that I really appreciated the opportunity to meet her in person and had a great few conversations getting to know her, but that I met someone else and felt it unfair to them to go on a date when my feelings have gotten stronger for them. And also not fair to waste her time. She was more than appreciative and said, “I’ve been in that situation – on both sides of it, and been led on. Thanks for being honest, its a rare quality sometimes and I hope you the best, I really am happy for you, that’s what this is all about!”

Whew, one down. One to go. Unfortunately, (Girl No. 1) will be tougher, because we’ve been intimate … I would feel better letting her know I am grateful for our time together but I must pursue someone I have very strong feelings for. And hope it’s not too harsh.

I’ve done some evolution on this subject in recent years. I used to think it was OK to silently leave a girl I was seeing unless more than one of these factors applied:

• We’d had sex.
• We were bound to run into each other again.
• She was trying to contact me.
• We’d gone out more than a few times.

My thoughts changed after I ignored one girl I’d seen twice, and she wrote about it on HER dating blog (it’s almost a rite of passage to get slammed by a female dating blogger in San Francisco — they’re everywhere). I was only half-contrite when I wrote about it two years ago, but in hindsight, I was wrong. Since then, I’ve always responded to women, and they’ve always appreciated it. It’s good karma, and I haven’t received a single ice pick in my eyeball.

Actually, SW, you’ve answered your own question. What you did with Girl No. 2 couldn’t have been classier, and you could see that in the way she responded. I recommend a similar phone call with Girl No. 1 where you tell her exactly the same things. You don’t need to say anything different just because you slept with her. As long as you keep your cool and stay respectful, she’s likely to do the same.

I can help you better if I rattle off what NOT to do. I’ve been guilty of some of these offenses earlier in my legendary dating career:

Don’t arrange a date to tell her: You might think it’s more personal to do it this way, but you’re really just wasting time. Why make her get dressed up to see you, only to ambush her the way Michael Corleone kills Sollozzo in the first “Godfather”? One gentle phone call is all it takes, and you won’t need to ask permission to get the gun from the bathroom.

And definitely don’t arrange a date where your friend dumps her for you. That’s just weird:

Don’t give her a long explanation: The shorter your conversation, the better. A simple “I don’t feel enough of a spark” is good enough in most cases. If you find yourself having to convince her the way George Costanza did, you’ve gone too far. (“Seinfeld” has many classic breakup scenes. I could write a post just about them.)

I’m a big fan of giving her the Nice Sandwich: Start off with something positive, like how much fun you’ve had getting to know her. Then for the meat of the sandwich, tell her you need to stop dating, giving her one brief reason. Then top it off with another positive piece of bread, such as telling her you wish her the best. That’s a tasty sandwich.

Don’t tell her you’re sorry: You have no reason to be — these things happen every day — and acting like you’ve done something wrong might encourage her to make a scene.

Don’t tell her you want to be friends: That is, unless you really DO want to be friends. Though Rob Overman disagrees, I’m all for befriending women. But we’ve all been on the business end of that cliche, so unless you’d really hang out with her without having sex, don’t use the F word. If you’re not sure, you can always look her up later.

Don’t have sex with her right after: That kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? And it also might give her hope. If it’s a friends-with-benefits situation you’re looking for, that’s for a different mailbag.

Don’t insult her: You may think she wants to get serious with you, but accusing her of that might piss her off, even if you’re right. Best to borrow from the Big Four and talk about yourself: It’s not that she’s trying to get serious with you, it’s that you feel like you’d be leading her on if you keep seeing her. She can’t argue with your feelings.

And that’s all I can tell you, SW. I don’t feel like I can give you any more advice on this topic and I don’t want to waste your time. It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m back from celebrating Rob’s 30th in New York, and I can cross the following off my bucket list: attending an underground party in a Brooklyn ghetto, first at a warehouse with half-naked women on a trapeze, then riding a school bus to a speakeasy. And I owe it all to the guy I coached for getting me in. If they have parties like that in San Francisco, I need to get on the mailing list.

Speaking of parties, I will now perform the ultimate DJ mashup: mixing feminism, male dating frustration and Muppets, while making sense of it all.

I’ve spent much of my time helping guys learn how to get dates, but I’ve been hearing lately from some of those who have graduated to new problems: having fun, getting dates and being picky about them, but facing periods of confusion and disappointment with the girls they do see.

Here’s a typical scenario: guy meets girl, they’ll have some initial spark, they’ll go on a date and make out or even sleep together. She’ll tell him she wants to see him again, and maybe she does. But soon after, she gets distant and silently disappears. Then it happens all over again with another girl. What gives?

In Western culture, where we think we have a solution for everything, this is treated as a problem that can be fixed. It could be a blog post about how you need to have sex with the girl on a first date if you want to make her stick around. Or a magazine article proclaiming “Seven Dating Dont’s!” and the guy may think, “Oh, maybe I leaned in too close during our drink. That’s why I haven’t heard back from her!”

And if you’re such a guy who is nouveau riche in the dating world — a happy, well-rounded guy exploring greater options, and facing higher-quality problems — I want to save you some trouble. Lean in and listen to this. Are you paying attention? Good.

You’re probably not doing anything wrong. Even if it’s wrong in her eyes, the next girl might not see it that way. And there is no catch-all answer for why women walk away or flake. You’re just experiencing what every single man faces. And you’re doing so at a fascinating time in male-female relations, when chances are you’ll stay single longer no matter how good your game is. So have fun with it and don’t worry about the outcome.

For some insight on how educated, professional women view dating, I suggest you check out an article in this month’s Atlantic. It’s long, and I may critique it in another post, but to me the most telling part is the intro, where the female author confesses to dumping a perfectly good boyfriend just to maintain some abstract feminist ideal passed on by her mother.

Now she’s pushing 40, unable to find anyone as good, and questioning the quality of men and the nature of traditional relationships. And, as you can see by the statistics she quotes, many other successful women are too, which in part explains why the percentage of unmarried people continues to climb.

Now, this was a guy she loved. So don’t be stunned if a girl you’ve had two dates with inexplicably flakes on you or stops returning your texts. Her reasons may be as philosophical as this woman’s, she might be unwilling to accept your Transformer collection (er, not like I have one or anything), or she might simply be in a bad mood.

In fact, you’ve probably done the same to women yourself. I know I have. Just know that it happens to us all, and ultimately it’s best not to fight it. And ask yourself if you were that into her anyway.

This is the curse of being picky. Those of us who have needed help with women eventually learn that picking them up is easy. Finding girls to have sex with is likewise easy if you make the effort — in fact it can be disheartening to learn that some women are more reliable for a one-night stand than an actual date. But finding an upper-echelon girl who has her life together and complements you can take time.

I have male friends who, on paper, shouldn’t have to go through many women to establish a relationship (monogamous or just something intimate). They have desirable jobs, stimulating interests, above-average looks and solid social skills, and they lack a criminal record. They also can get laid often. Yet, just as happens to me sometimes, they get dumped, flaked on or ignored.

Guess what: it’s nothing new. Half the songs and poems that have ever been written involved heartbreak, including my favorite song, “Love Will Tear Us Apart.” And being picky is nothing new, either. There’s this story about a man and woman, both sarcastic, young and single, who pick apart the opposite sex and vow never to marry. It’s called “Much Ado About Nothing,” and it was written by Shakespeare in the 1500s.

OK, here’s where my beloved Muppets, who are finally back in the movies, come in. Even Kermit the Frog, that lady pig killer himself, has had to complain to Rowlf about woman troubles, as you’ll find in their duet, “I Hope That Something Better Comes Along.” But as Kermit adds, it’s no use complaining.

This exchange says it best:

Rowlf: “Stay away from women, that’s my motto.”

Kermit: “But I can’t.”

Rowlf: “Neither can I, that’s my trouble.”

I also have male friends who recently have gotten married to great women or entered blossoming relationships, so it goes both ways. That’s the beauty of it all: I’ve faced some cold, even rude treatment from women this year. But then I meet that hot girl who shares my interest in new-wave music and demands I call her. I’m doing the same things with all of them.

I think of what Bill Hicks, who died far too young, said: Life is a ride. And when I’m on a rollercoaster, I’d rather enjoy the moment than worry about what happens after the ride is over.

I’m two days away from flying to New York to celebrate Rob Overman’s 30th birthday. And I know what you’re thinking: “Like you haven’t already been taking a vacation from this blog?” I know, I know, but I can make at least one November post before I leave.

I owe this post to a question from a faithful reader, B from Philadelphia. I met his equally cool friend SW for a drink last week, and I can say they represent exactly the kind of reader or student I’ve enjoyed knowing: well-adjusted, happy dudes who see women as just a part of their multi-faceted lives.

Here’s what B had to say:

I’m in no position to write a guest post on your blog, but I was always surprised that there wasn’t a topic covering being truly happy with yourself before trying to be happy with someone else. I know that in the case of (SW) and myself, over the course of the last two years we’ve put time and effort to really get where we wanted to be in life, rather than specifically being caught up on being single ahead of everything else. And it’s worked: Girls notice that we’re happy, that we’re doing what we want to do, and all the methodology that goes into making things go (Big 4, etc) all become more of a few items to check off as you’re talking instead of a sometimes difficult process of getting to the ‘close.’

So since we figured out how to be happy, we figured out how to talk, how to be confident, etc, we’re really only left with one issue: Where are the quality girls? I’m slowly starting to perfect my online-dating bit, although getting to the first date is 99.99% of the effort/trouble. So how do you meet them in person? Since bookstores are dead, you suggested “parks, squares, festivals, shopping malls, museums, college campuses, buses, churches.” Well, that’s great and all, but to be genuine you can’t just go to those places and hit on women non stop. It needs to be real, and I spend my time in the evenings at the gym, then cooking before getting to bed, and I’m often busy on the weekends doing things that don’t involve just hanging out in a public place. It’s not that we don’t have time to meet girls, but we don’t have the time to spend hours *not* meeting them, as we already have lots of fun stuff happening.

My suggestion was to try to somehow integrate the things that we enjoy doing that are girl compatible (say, cooking or dancing), and somehow do that in a fun, social setting. It was just a thought, but that’s why I’m writing you….  we’re sort of drawing a blank. Day game is what we want, and it’s what have almost no experience with!

Regarding your first comment, B, point taken. While I think it’s always been in the subtext of what I write (for example, I’ve made the case for technique being overrated), I could devote more time to stating the obvious-but-underrated truth: confidence is more attractive than anything, and if you’re having a great life without the girl, she’s more likely to want to be part of it. All the lessons in the world won’t help a sad, weak guy.

So there, I said it. Happy now??? I kid.

If you still can't find the time to meet a girl, buy a Dolorean.

On to your question. This is a dilemma I’ve considered before:  It can be weird and time consuming if you’re going out just to meet women, especially during the day. (Unless of course, you’re the Simple Pickup guys.) At the same time, if you stay too focused on your awesome life and your chores when you’re out, you’ll have to confine your female options to the OK Cupid crowd. Which, by the way, does work for some guys.

It’s not as hard as you think, though. Opportunities to meet some sweet girls are probably all around you, but you might need to fine-tune your radar and notice them while you’re going about your business. I don’t remember where I heard this advice, but I believe in it: If you want to be lucky in life, you have to be willing to go off the script.

I’ll give you some recent examples:

• I could have stuck to the script of tossing the football around at the park with my friend one Saturday. But instead we met some other folks to play with there, and when a girl in their group playfully stripped the ball away from me, I saw the opportunity. I ended up with her number.
• I could have stuck to the script of writing, um, my script at the coffee shop. But when a girl brought her laptop to my table and started working, I worked her a little. I ended up with her number and got my writing done.
• My buddy Tre Tre could have stuck to the script of meeting me for lunch at another coffee shop one afternoon. But when a girl a few seats away overheard something he said and commented, he struck up a long conversation and got her number.
• I could have stuck to the worse-than-Star-Wars-Episode-I script of waiting in line at the post office while eight children were causing a ruckus. But there was a hot girl in front of me, so I asked her how much the postage would be to ship those kids. Nothing came of it, but at least I made us laugh during an otherwise busy day.
• My friend could have stuck to the script of playing his iPod during his flight home from a vacation in Paris. But he spotted a gorgeous French girl sitting a row away from him and struck up a conversation. They’re now living together.

As you suggested, you can maximize your time by choosing activities that are likely to include women. I work in the day and do most of my socializing at night, so dancing to 80s music, which I love, has been a great way to multitask. But I’ll bet that every now and then when you’re at an anti-social place like the gym, you could sneak in a comment to a cute girl who’s between exercises.

Yes, this means taking a risk and going off the script. But that’s how the happiest endings are made.