Four stages of a woman’s interest in you

by GK on March 2, 2013 · 13 comments

Guys often talk about something “working” or “not working” on women. His cocky remark about being too sexy for his sweater. The way he touched her hand at juuuust the right emotional spike in the conversation. His invitation to watch “Parks and Recreation” at his place.

It’s fair enough that we talk this way — we men are results oriented. But there are great pitfalls to keeping this mindset with women, and we’re not just talking about improving your odds of getting a girlfriend or getting laid. We’re talking about keeping a consistent understanding of who the hell you really are.

I’ll get into the deeper stuff in another post. For now, let’s talk about the misconceptions of a man’s technique “working.” It reinforces the illusion that we hold all the cards in seduction — you push the right button, you get the right result. You know why she went down on me, dude? I rocked that NLP shit and used the word “taste” like 50 times!

For guys who have been dissed more times than a telemarketer during dinner, this is a tempting illusion. But when you get out there enough, and you’re honest with yourself, you’ll start to realize that seduction isn’t a video game where you’re in God Mode. It’s more like a nuclear submarine: you both have to turn the key.

If something “worked” on her, it’s because she wanted it to work. This isn’t always a conscious decision by her — one woman may not like jerks, but she only sleeps with them — but it’s important to keep in mind that if she wants you, the means don’t matter much as long as you do SOMETHING confidently.

This interest from a woman isn’t necessarily digital. If I had to break it down, I can think of four progressive categories she’s going to be in. Just tucking this away in the back of your mind might help you to better direct your energy and your monthly texting allowance. Here we go:

Level 1: She’s not interested in you at all (see above example)

This red light isn’t as easy to spot as you might think. I’m told that in Eastern Europe, a guy knows where he stands from the minute he approaches her — either you hit an iceberg and sink, or you enter a friendly port. Not always so out here on the West Coast.

Common signs: You approach her and she’s just not engaging you at all; she’s insulting (not teasing) you; she’s happily in a relationship; she’s very friendly but won’t play along when you flirt with her; she’ll agree to see you for drinks, but is it cool if her friend comes along?; she won’t call or text you back; she’s telling you not to call her; she’s Kate Upton.

Level 2: She’s not really interested in you (like in this scene).

Most of a guy’s wasted time and tricks are with these girls. Oh, if only we can pile a few bricks of charm on our end of the scales, she might tip our way. And maybe we did hook up with her once or twice. But chances are that she was just killing time with you. Bummer.

I’m reminded of the Paris Hilton “pickup” that was described in “The Game.” Not that I think she’s attractive, but she was considered hot, and it’s treated in the book as some powerful demonstration of PUA technique. When in fact, he just rattled out some douchey lines that kept a douchey woman interested long enough to give her number. They never heard back from her.

But we’ve all been that douche, including me. Maybe it started off with sparks in a high-adrenaline environment, like a club or a  vacation, and you hooked up. And it was totally that push-pull maneuver that made it happen. Or maybe you were just the only decent-looking guy at the party, and she had no one to trade up to. Feel free to try with these girls, but treat them like a lottery ticket and don’t invest much time in them.

Common signs: You get her number, but she’s only reachable through text, and she takes days or longer to text you back; she says “maybe” a lot when you invite her out; she always has a friend visiting or some trip that gets in the way of you seeing her; after you hook up for the first time, she becomes much tougher to reach; she’ll go out with you, but it’s the second date and she won’t kiss.

Level 3: She’s genuinely interested in you

This is the sweet spot, my friends. This is where we really want to be, because this is where using technique or fooling her becomes irrelevant. She already likes you. All it takes from here is to Shut Up And Lead.

The story of my friend SW’s courtship comes to mind. The girl he liked wasn’t just busy — she was in med school. It took a little persistence on his part, but she always wanted him to lead her. Everyone wins this way: she feels wanted enough to make time for you, and you feel like you got something worth pursuing.

Common signs: She asks you questions about yourself when you first meet; she responds to your calls/texts quickly or initiates them; she moves closer when you touch her; she teases you in good fun; she might not have a certain night free, but she’ll suggest alternatives and offers her own date ideas; she has sex with you (duh) or is at least intimate with you.

Level 4: She’s really, really interested in you

This might seem like a great place to be, and it can be in the short term. But chances are this is not the woman you really want.

I’ll be blunt here: If you’re not rich/a celebrity/have model looks and a woman is openly hitting on you and providing no challenge at any point in the seduction, she’s probably unattractive (read: slumpbuster), crazy, desperate for a relationship or getting back at someone. You won’t feel satisfied because you didn’t earn her, and she might realize at some point that her interest in you was superficial. Consider these girls for a one-night stand or short fling, preferably away from your zip code, but that’s it.

Common signs: She laughs at everything you say, even the non-jokes; she compliments you over and over again, even when you disqualify yourself; she won’t take her hands off you; you’ve been out with her a couple times and she’s already talking about wanting to get serious; she doesn’t stop you at any point the first time you have sex, or she even initiates the whole thing; she calls or texts you all the time.

If you agree or disagree with any of this, give me a shout.

{ 13 comments }

1 J March 3, 2013 at 2:12 pm

Nice one GK!
You’re definitely making valid points! I totally agree that technique is overrated!

It’s hard to tell the difference between level 2 and level 3 girls though. I don’t know if I think that a girl knows more or less instantly if she likes you or not. I know I’m not really like that myself, I have many times been surprised to fall for someone who I didn’t think very much of the first couple of times I met her. Then I’ve been seduced by her charms after a while. So maybe girls are the same, being able to jump from level 2 to level 3 and back again?

I guess it all requires the same medicine though: shut up and lead. Although that’s easier said than done :)

2 GK March 3, 2013 at 4:11 pm

Thanks for reading J!

You make a great point about the difference between Levels 2 and 3 — it’s not always obvious, and sometimes they’ll go back and forth between the two.

While in theory I agree that someone can warm up to you over time, our modern-day logistics often prevent this. If she’s in your circle of friends or is in your class, it’s worth it to be patient and see how it goes (though the Friend Zone is still tough to get out of).

But if it’s a chance encounter or you’ve met her online, she’s going to be making quicker decisions about you, and it will happen at a subconscious level where she can’t even control it. If she only kinda likes you and the logistics are against you, your odds of moving the needle higher are not good.

But as you said, if you just Shut Up and Lead, you’ll know all you need to know.

3 J March 4, 2013 at 1:34 pm

Yup, agreed! When in bars, clubs and such – it wont do if she only kinda likes you.

Being a student myself, in a school full of hot babes :), I’ve had the experience to see som transitions between the levels. Sadly, the girls I’ve been seeing in school have transitioned from what felt like a level 3 to a level 2. The other way around would have been preferable 😉 Have you any suggestions for that kind of situations? Is it better to just let those girls go or are they worth pursuing?

4 GK March 4, 2013 at 2:40 pm

Good question. I think it depends on how much time you’re willing to invest in girls where your odds are low. Personally, I’d rather just write off the Level 2’s and focus my precious time on the girls who are into me. But I know of other guys who will text the same girls every few weeks, just in case they come around, and once in a while they do. Think of it as a lottery ticket — if you’re willing to pay, then play. :)

5 Pros March 5, 2013 at 12:39 pm

Well the reason to learn game so to speak is so that your not just walking around a bar or spot talking till you find a girl that’s giving you level 3 or level 4 interest as you say, thats going for low hanging fruit.

But with good game you can turn neutral girls into level 3 girls. Where they are sitting on the fence not disinterested, but not totally all into you. But like you said its good to not waste energy on level 1 disinterest and know when to just pull the plug.

6 GK March 5, 2013 at 3:25 pm

Thank you for the comment, Pros, but I don’t want to confuse girls who are interested in you quickly with unattractive girls. I meet plenty of Level 1’s who I don’t find attractive either, and I’ve met plenty of attractive Level 3’s. This isn’t about low hanging fruit.

Who would want to walk around the bar trying to “game” girls who aren’t that into them when they can meet attractive girls who ARE into them? I find that a waste of time.

7 Tre March 6, 2013 at 1:33 pm

GK,

I agree, that of course, there are 4 stages (or maybe more appropriately, zones) of a woman’s interest in you. But I don’t think this is a static thing. Just because I wrote that I think PUA is generally a load of dogshit, doesn’t mean that I don’t think things are static and that if you initially fall into a Lower Zone, that it isn’t worth your time trying to get into another.

The word seduction gets thrown around in the community rather flippantly, but very few actually understand it. Your points made my laugh out loud about the community’s approach. Like seeing seduction as getting a girl to kiss you after you push-pulled, or getting them give you their phone number because you were wearing a clown suit. Plus, getting someone to fall in love with you is MUCH more powerful than an initial moment of lust.

But, I diverge with you that if you are in Level 1 or 2, it isn’t worth your time to keep going on. Now, you’re not wrong. I just think there is a level of risk tolerance here that one has to either be up for or not. Me? I’m stupid and I love risk. If the risk is little, the reward is little.

Seduction is a process that goes FAR beyond the night you meet at the bar. Seduction is the process of you acting strategically around your target so that she no longer sees you as trying to influence her. Most people suck at it, because we’re too self-absorbed with our own needs to do it properly. Doing it properly is based in plain psychology.

And, it does happen in a moment. Sometimes it takes longer than others. But once your target stops doubting your motives, and you are continually planting the seeds where her void is exposed and needs to be filled, and tremendous moment of emotions are release. She loses the ability to think straight and will do things she wouldn’t normally do. YOU are the object that fills that need and it doesn’t happen that night in the stupid bar you met her in.

Remembering that this is a psychological game, not beauty, anyone can be encouraged that true seduction is within their grasp. Anyone can master it. But it takes a long personal journey to undo a lot of stuff and to deny your generally selfish instincts.

In my case, realizing that love and romance are not some kind magical thing that happens when “sparks fly” or “the stars align” or “if things are meant to be.” I think that is lazy. You don’t “get lucky.” You can create your own destiny.

8 SW March 6, 2013 at 5:19 pm

Great article, thanks GK. Also thanks for the shout-out! It was interesting for me to recall past relationships or girls I’ve crossed paths with, and tried to think about which level they more or less ‘fell into’, and how I subsequently acted as a result. The common signs shown in each of these levels seemed to spark some memories I’ve had with the respective women I’ve met along the way. Currently as you’ve pointed out, D is one of the few that when we had our first date I’d consider her being genuinely interested, and acted accordingly. In contrast, I also recall others where I asked that oft-spoken “what did I do wrong?” when they were simply not interested. You’re right, sometimes it’s not that easy to see.

9 GK March 7, 2013 at 1:13 am

Thanks again SW! I enjoy using your example.

Tre and I hashed out our thoughts on this over some wine tonight. I think we agree on most of this, but perhaps where I could have been clearer is that you CAN get a girl from Level 2 to 3 over the long haul if you’re willing to put in the time and have a strategy about it. If you can keep her in the picture somehow through a social circle and let her see you at your best, where you don’t need her at all, a lot can happen. But this can take much time if it ever happens at all and you have to decide if she’s worth the effort.

When I talk about saving your energy, it’s more about the numbers-game strategy of continually texting or calling girls who are non-committal about seeing you. Though you can still do this if you don’t mind that your odds are low.

I haven’t been into most Level 2 girls enough to keep after them, but I’ve made exceptions to this (such as here). There’s no right or wrong in whether to pursue or not pursue — it’s all about how it feels to you.

10 Pros March 10, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Your points can definitely take out a lot of the stress of game, where guys keep trying to learn new game and techniques to try to force ways to get girls into them. It causes a lot of burn out in the pua scene.

It puts a lot of pressure on someone going out to places and trying to meet someone and be responsible for all the work. Finding a level 3 you like makes game fun again! It takes some confidence and optimism to know they are out there, don’t you think?

11 GK March 10, 2013 at 10:55 pm

Totally Pros, a little confidence and optimism can go a very long way. It’s so clear yet different for each guy. Any insights on how you gained some confidence with girls?

12 Ezzzz December 17, 2014 at 5:30 am

I had a girl at #3 we hung out a lot but I didn’t take the relationship any further for some reason and now it sorta fizzled out.. I’m kinda upsets me bec I actually was going through some shit at the time which prevented me from making a move…. In retrospect I really liked this girl I am an idiot. Is there anyway that a guy can re spark something in that situation?

13 abdoulah January 31, 2015 at 6:59 pm

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