Guys often talk about something “working” or “not working” on women. His cocky remark about being too sexy for his sweater. The way he touched her hand at juuuust the right emotional spike in the conversation. His invitation to watch “Parks and Recreation” at his place.
It’s fair enough that we talk this way — we men are results oriented. But there are great pitfalls to keeping this mindset with women, and we’re not just talking about improving your odds of getting a girlfriend or getting laid. We’re talking about keeping a consistent understanding of who the hell you really are.
I’ll get into the deeper stuff in another post. For now, let’s talk about the misconceptions of a man’s technique “working.” It reinforces the illusion that we hold all the cards in seduction — you push the right button, you get the right result. You know why she went down on me, dude? I rocked that NLP shit and used the word “taste” like 50 times!
For guys who have been dissed more times than a telemarketer during dinner, this is a tempting illusion. But when you get out there enough, and you’re honest with yourself, you’ll start to realize that seduction isn’t a video game where you’re in God Mode. It’s more like a nuclear submarine: you both have to turn the key.
If something “worked” on her, it’s because she wanted it to work. This isn’t always a conscious decision by her — one woman may not like jerks, but she only sleeps with them — but it’s important to keep in mind that if she wants you, the means don’t matter much as long as you do SOMETHING confidently.
This interest from a woman isn’t necessarily digital. If I had to break it down, I can think of four progressive categories she’s going to be in. Just tucking this away in the back of your mind might help you to better direct your energy and your monthly texting allowance. Here we go:
Level 1: She’s not interested in you at all (see above example)
This red light isn’t as easy to spot as you might think. I’m told that in Eastern Europe, a guy knows where he stands from the minute he approaches her — either you hit an iceberg and sink, or you enter a friendly port. Not always so out here on the West Coast.
Common signs: You approach her and she’s just not engaging you at all; she’s insulting (not teasing) you; she’s happily in a relationship; she’s very friendly but won’t play along when you flirt with her; she’ll agree to see you for drinks, but is it cool if her friend comes along?; she won’t call or text you back; she’s telling you not to call her; she’s Kate Upton.
Level 2: She’s not really interested in you (like in this scene).
Most of a guy’s wasted time and tricks are with these girls. Oh, if only we can pile a few bricks of charm on our end of the scales, she might tip our way. And maybe we did hook up with her once or twice. But chances are that she was just killing time with you. Bummer.
I’m reminded of the Paris Hilton “pickup” that was described in “The Game.” Not that I think she’s attractive, but she was considered hot, and it’s treated in the book as some powerful demonstration of PUA technique. When in fact, he just rattled out some douchey lines that kept a douchey woman interested long enough to give her number. They never heard back from her.
But we’ve all been that douche, including me. Maybe it started off with sparks in a high-adrenaline environment, like a club or a vacation, and you hooked up. And it was totally that push-pull maneuver that made it happen. Or maybe you were just the only decent-looking guy at the party, and she had no one to trade up to. Feel free to try with these girls, but treat them like a lottery ticket and don’t invest much time in them.
Common signs: You get her number, but she’s only reachable through text, and she takes days or longer to text you back; she says “maybe” a lot when you invite her out; she always has a friend visiting or some trip that gets in the way of you seeing her; after you hook up for the first time, she becomes much tougher to reach; she’ll go out with you, but it’s the second date and she won’t kiss.
Level 3: She’s genuinely interested in you
This is the sweet spot, my friends. This is where we really want to be, because this is where using technique or fooling her becomes irrelevant. She already likes you. All it takes from here is to Shut Up And Lead.
The story of my friend SW’s courtship comes to mind. The girl he liked wasn’t just busy — she was in med school. It took a little persistence on his part, but she always wanted him to lead her. Everyone wins this way: she feels wanted enough to make time for you, and you feel like you got something worth pursuing.
Common signs: She asks you questions about yourself when you first meet; she responds to your calls/texts quickly or initiates them; she moves closer when you touch her; she teases you in good fun; she might not have a certain night free, but she’ll suggest alternatives and offers her own date ideas; she has sex with you (duh) or is at least intimate with you.
Level 4: She’s really, really interested in you
This might seem like a great place to be, and it can be in the short term. But chances are this is not the woman you really want.
I’ll be blunt here: If you’re not rich/a celebrity/have model looks and a woman is openly hitting on you and providing no challenge at any point in the seduction, she’s probably unattractive (read: slumpbuster), crazy, desperate for a relationship or getting back at someone. You won’t feel satisfied because you didn’t earn her, and she might realize at some point that her interest in you was superficial. Consider these girls for a one-night stand or short fling, preferably away from your zip code, but that’s it.
Common signs: She laughs at everything you say, even the non-jokes; she compliments you over and over again, even when you disqualify yourself; she won’t take her hands off you; you’ve been out with her a couple times and she’s already talking about wanting to get serious; she doesn’t stop you at any point the first time you have sex, or she even initiates the whole thing; she calls or texts you all the time.
If you agree or disagree with any of this, give me a shout.