How (and when) to pursue girls with boyfriends, Part II

by GK on June 7, 2009

OK, so it wasn’t quite the ending to “Kill Bill, Vol. 1”, but I did leave you on a bit of a cliffhanger with Part I of my guide to girls with boyfriends. Here’s the rest:

Do not diss the guy. Even if she’s doing it. He is still her boyfriend, after all, and if you ridicule him, you may be ridiculing her taste. I won’t sing the guy’s praises, either, but I’ll just stay neutral on him. What I might do, and this is a little devious, is use a little “marble theory” — that is, relate the cracks in her relationship to ones I’ve had.

For instance, the obvious crack with the law-school girl from my previous post was that her boyfriend lived 3,000 miles away, and I could tell she was unhappy about it. Otherwise, she said she was into the guy and had never cheated, so this was no easy case. I went ahead and talked about my past long-distance relationships (I made none of this up), and how difficult they were.

Be patient if she makes you wait. I respect a girl who doesn’t want to cheat on her guy — that could be me someday, after all. And for a high-quality woman, I’m OK with waiting a little while. Even though the law school girl and I left the club together the night we met, I made no physical move on her that night — or the following time we hung out — because even though she found me attractive, she said we could only be friends.

While you’re being patient, keep a spark lit. Guys dread being put in the “friend zone” by a woman, but this isn’t necessarily the kiss of death. Sometimes, it’s just a way to keep you around until she makes up her mind.

The trick is to never lose that flirty vibe you had when you met her, even if you’re friends for the moment. This is a great time for sexual barriers. In my case, I made sure she knew I was still interested, which was easy to do because I was more attracted to her than I’d been to anyone else in years. Also, we had a great outlet: dancing. From the moment we met, we had a sexual chemistry on the dance floor, and it gave us a way to be intimate without even kissing. Eventually, the tension became so sexually charged that we couldn’t resist.

In fact, when I asked her later why she did give in, she gave two reasons: my interest, and our dancing. (Funny, she made no mention of my karaoke singing.)

Keep your distance, and keep your ego in check. On the other hand, the girl may give you no resistance at all. But either way, as long as you’re still her No. 2 and not No. 1, don’t get delusions of grandeur. Make sure she understands that you’re not going to call her every day or try to see her on Saturday nights if her boyfriend is around. A woman’s life is a delicate china shop, so don’t trample it.

It was a blow to my pride that I had to wait — she even knew I was an instructor! — but the experience made me more comfortable with being humble. There was a moment of true honesty, before we’d finally hooked up, when I was having drinks with her and being quiet, and she asked me what I was thinking. “I’m wishing you didn’t have a boyfriend,” I said. And to those who say I was “demonstrating low value” by saying that, I say you have much to learn.

Know when to let her lead. Because her logistics are trickier, it will sometimes be up to the woman to propose a place or day to meet. And if things haven’t escalated yet but you’ve made your interest clear, she might help you to do this. If she proposes going to your place for a cup of tea, for instance, she probably has something more on her mind.

Be prepared for any outcome. She may leave the guy for you after you’ve hooked up, and she may not. Women have all kinds of reasons for staying in relationships, and love isn’t always one of them. On the other hand, you might want to maintain the status quo while she wants to get serious, in which case you’ll probably need to move on. With my recent experience, I knew all along she was likely to move away, and when it happened, I wistfully accepted it.

But I consider it like any other experience with women: we’re better off enjoying the song than wondering what’s next on the playlist.

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