How to bust a slump

by GK on March 21, 2009 · 11 comments

Here’s an oldie but goodie I wrote last year on the late, great Charismatic Man blog. I wanted to give it a new home, and I still think it’s a valuable read:

I worked with a student two months ago who was a 28-year-old virgin – not quite Steve Carell territory, but I wouldn’t have been shocked if he had a vintage toy collection.

(Wait, I have a vintage toy collection!)

Anyway, he made my year the other day when he told me he has traded in his V card and is seeing a girl regularly with other dating options on the side. The story hit home for me, because although I dressed up as a Smurf for Halloween last weekend, there was a time when only one part of me was blue. You know what I’m talking about.


I was a late-in-life virgin as well — 26, if you’re curious — and I remember asking myself the Nancy Kerrigan-esque question: “Why me?“  I was a normal guy with a good career, and my equipment worked just fine, thanks for asking. The way I see it, the best hitters in baseball have slumps, and so can we.

In baseball, players have been known to find a “slumpbuster” – i.e., an unattractive woman – to get back in a groove. But I have some other simple suggestions on how to do that. Instead of “Why me?” ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I trying? Seriously, though, are you?  In my virgin days, I was working a job that required late nights and weekends (just like my job now, only here I get paid to flirt and hook up), and I finally decided to do something about it by using vacation days to get some Friday nights off.  My social life took off after that.

When my aforementioned student took my bootcamp, he was making very little time for socializing. After the bootcamp, he made more time; then he got got the girl.  If I was more into Zen and Buddhism I might say that there is an ebb and flow to the world that must always balance itself out. You know, like, learn to accept the transitory nature of existence of the body and the mind; see eternity in everything, this world, the other worlds, and nirvana, and stuff like that. But I’m not, so just go out and talk to some chicks, okay?


But if you are going out there too scared to talk to women, I’ll let you in on a secret.  They’re not going to jump on your lap — at least not yet. You’ve got to take the initiative.

2. Am I comfortable giving a sexual vibe? I know *I* wasn’t back in the day. I was a social guy around my friends, but I had no idea how to show a woman I was interested other than buying her dinner.  My belly grew and my wallet shrunk down to the size of Rhode Island.  I thought it was impolite to tell her she was turning me on, and it took years to realize that the height of rudeness is not being sexual with a woman when she’s earned it.

A lot of people suggest reading a romance novel to be more sexual around a woman. That may work, but I wouldn’t know because I’ll never read a romance novel. “Bodices of Fire” just doesn’t appeal to me. But here’s a suggestion: read something from a man’s point of view. I suggest Charles Bukowski, who was called “the dirty old man” for a reason. His book “Women” is based on his blunt real-life experiences with women about his desires.

And if you just don’t know how to show a sexual vibe, consider taking a bootcamp. I can point out some mistakes you might not realize you’re making and teach you how to take a girl on an instant date.

3. Do I have a woman-friendly room? Or do you have two twin beds pushed up against each other and posters of bands on your walls?  Living with your family is OK. Living with your family and having no place to be alone with a woman is going to be a problem. It’s like John Connor leading the resistance against the robots in the Terminator movies. It’s not impossible, but there’s global nuclear war involved.  As they say in business, it comes down to location, location, location.

I lived with my mom until I was 24, and my room essentially looked the same as it did when I was 15. Whether you live alone or not, I’d suggest investing in a few basic things to make your room more sexy:

  1. candles
  2. some loungy music
  3. one or two conversation pieces
  4. an interesting book or two
  5. quality bedding
  6. a game
  7. and condoms (you have some, right?).

No couch = No problem. Just have the bed in a place where you can sit on it and watch TV.

And finally…

4. Consider a slumpbuster. Hey, those baseball guys know what they’re doing. If your pickiness is leaving you high and dry, you might just want to have a quick fling and start fresh. She’ll thank you for it and you can get on with it.


1 Dbugger March 22, 2009 at 11:03 pm

Hey GK!

Im a big follower of CA, and I never expect anything great when other instructors or followers of other “seduction schools” start their own projects, but from the few posts you’ve made, I must say im quite impressed.

Im bookmarking you. Keep the level up 😉

2 Beider March 22, 2009 at 11:57 pm

Hey GK, awesome post. I have been making some awesome progress of late and I am going to redecorate my bedroom as I told you on the CA forums.

However one thing has me confused, some places I read that having a TV in the bedroom is bad. In particular some posts on the CA forums stated that as far as I can remember, saying something along the lines that you should not just idly sit and watch TV with her.

Yet you seem to recommend having a TV in the bedroom, which confuses me a bit. I got the luxury of having a two room apartment by myself. I got a large living room and a large bedroom, currently I got no TV in either but if I were to get one I would place it in the living room. Did I misunderstand you or is there a good reason you recommend having a TV available near the bed or a couch?

3 GK March 23, 2009 at 1:54 am

Thanks, Dbugger and Beider!

I didn’t have a TV in my bedroom until I moved to SF a few months ago, but in the few months I have had one, I highly recommend it. I DON’T recommend sitting idly by the entire movie, regardless of what room you’re in. The TV is a starting point — the end point should be you and her putting on a show of your own. :)

Just to clarify, I recommend watching TV from your bed or couch because it makes escalation extremely easy. In fact, she’ll probably get upset if you don’t make a move. You don’t want to upset her, do you?

4 Beider March 23, 2009 at 10:01 am

No I do not, you are right about that. Thank you for the clarification, I will be investing in a TV when I redecorate my apartment. But it would feel more natural for me to put it in the living room I think, however I do have a decent couch there so it should be all good.

Another question that I might as well ask here as anywhere else, I know you do phone coaching but what about decoration coaching? As in if I got pictures / video of my flat and paid for a phone coaching hour could it then be spent with suggestions for flat improvements? Same for clothing style for that sake, even though that is highly personal I suppose but for those of us without any sense of style it is hard.

5 GK March 23, 2009 at 1:36 pm

Absolutely, Beider. Phone coaching with me covers any number of topics, including how to decorate your pad and upgrading your wardrobe. I’ve taken lots of my bootcamp and PI students shopping for clothes — it’s something I’m quite good at. I do tailor a guy’s style to his personality.

If you have more questions, just shoot me an e-mail at Or call me at 408-313-7453.

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