In Memory of Dirk

by GK on January 19, 2011 · 9 comments

 This post won’t be as long as I originally expected. I’d rather avoid a lot of the “seize the day” cliches that come from an untimely death, and I’ll just stick to my personal thoughts about Dirk Manley. It is neither desirable nor intentional that I already had to give a eulogy to a departed friend exactly one year ago, and you can find a more inspirational entry there. Combined with the loss of my good college friend three years ago, I’m getting tired of mourning.

Like most of those who followed Dirk’s writings, I never met the guy in person or talked to him on the phone (though I was about to for our podcast). I never even saw a picture of him. So why did I feel enough of a kinship with him to shed a tear at the news, or think of him when I was in Manly, Australia, last month?

I saw a lot of myself in Dirk. Before his blog, I’d admired him from afar on the now-extinct Charisma Arts forums — he was one of the few guys giving advice there that actually seemed to be grounded in personal experience, not theory. And he just seemed like a cool guy. So I finally PM’d him and started a correspondence between us.

It turned out he was a shy only child like me, a late-in-life virgin like me, a writer like me, and went to school in Southern California, like me. Even his writing style and advice resembled my own, to the point where I thought I might have a body double in Kansas.

It impressed me that despite being so generous with his advice, both on the forums and his blog, Dirk was never looking to become an instructor or sell anything. He really just wanted to help guys, and guys listened to him because of it.

I’m glad that Dirk contributed a guest blog, which happens to be one of the most popular posts on this site. When I think of Alec Baldwin and Always Be Closing, I’ll think of Dirk. I only wish we could have collaborated more together. We were days away from recording a triple-team podcast with Rob, and the two of us will continue the podcast as planned to pay tribute to Dirk.

Dirk never represented a method to me, just a way of being. And in the post-Charisma Arts coaching world, I was glad to have a guy out there preaching the importance of unapologetic courage over game. I’m saddened not just by his loss, but that guys will have one less place to turn to for solid, healthy advice with their social and seduction lives. This is a community of strangers taking life lessons from strangers, and it’s no different with me or Dirk, though I’m sorry to see one less role model out there.

But for those of you who read Dirk, consider yourselves lucky. You know what you need to know, and I hope his blog remains online so that others can be influenced by him the way we were. You have a chance to think of him whenever you get nervous about a risk with a girl or something else, and you have a chance to make his spirit proud by feeling that nervousness and taking the risk anyway.

Oops, I’m getting a little inspirational there. Bad habit of mine. Anyway, I will miss you, Dirk.

If you have a story of how Dirk inspired or helped you, I’d love to see it in the comments.

{ 9 comments }

1 andy January 20, 2011 at 11:09 am

thank you greg for the tribute

2 Erich January 20, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I started looking for answers in the pua community to my poor relationship history in April of 2008. By fall of that year I had gravitated to CA, because it seemed more natural and less creepy. I used to fire off the same pm question I was trying to troubleshoot to several CA forum members at a time who I thought might have a clue and for if some of the instructors failed to ration all of their knowledge to me :)) (GK I’m not thinking of you).

Dirk would always give me solid no bullshit responses to my dilemmas. At the time I was so wrapped up in being a perfectionist and my own insecurities that I wouldn’t close if I’d forgotten, or missed my chance to do one of the steps in the CA method, or for that matter even Rob’s great streamlined Big Four. I’d think “Oh, I forgot to tell her I like her, guess I’ll have to wait to do that and close next time” Ho hum. Aside from being a perfectionist I was also stalling.

One of the great things and also scary (because it forced me to be honest about my fears) was that Dirk’s advice cut through the bullshit. He’d say “Who cares how the conversation went, just close and you’ll figure out if she’s into you, or not.”

With Dirk’s coaching I started my Project 29 (inspired by you GK and your Project 52 and because I’m 29 years old) of 29 new women I’d cold approach before turning 30 this April. Dirk luckily offered me his email for the questions I had, back shortly before the CA forum closed down. Dirk was always very generous with answering my email questions. Answering my questions always within a few days and sometimes even sending me an additional email if he had given it more thought into the next day.

Ironically, coming back from a weekend of snowboarding this past Sunday, I pulled out my Project 29 list to fill in my last 29th name of a girl I’d talked to on the mountain. Shortly afterward I fired up my computer and read the news about Dirk.

One the last things I talked with him about was this.

Me: I’m seeing that being experienced with chicks just means that you’ve had the balls to approach a lot of chicks and after a while you start to see trends in their actions.

Dirk: ^^ that’s pretty much it.

Thanks for everything Dirk.

-Erich

3 Nate January 22, 2011 at 2:57 am

I’ve been dabbling in the community since I was 16 years old. I sometimes ask myself whether or not it would of been more beneficial to have never heard of “game” or the community and just plod along being myself in blissful ignorance.

Well 5 years later I’m glad I picked up that now infamous book because that led me to finding the great advice dispensed by Greg, his former employer and then Dirk, who really just called it the way he saw it in a no bullshit way.

I’m only just starting to FEEL the things he was saying but the lesson Dirk taught me was that not only is it okay to be myself, it’s absolutely essential for helping me find the types of women I can click and have fun with. The fact that a woman rejects me or I hear a dreaded “no” is in fact the best thing I can hear, she’s done me a favor and let me know she’s not right for me.

I never met you mate but the lessons and advice you gave impacted me greatly and spread far and wide.

Thank You Dirk,
Nate.

4 Barry O'Herlihy January 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Life is a dream from which we must wake, so as to dream again

Dirk, keep dreaming brother!

5 Allan January 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm

This is an awesome tribute!

Shortly after discovering GK’s blog, I naturally stumbled upon Dirk’s and once he wrote his “ABC of Closing” piece. I began visiting his blog regularly. His words always found a way to inspire and deliver the message that much of this battle of meeting girls is picking up your balls and just having the confidence to go after what you want.

Thank you Dirk

6 Tom January 23, 2011 at 11:28 am

After seeing this blog entry, I went to Dirk’s blog. I had actually seen it before when he first started it, but I wasn’t in the right place to be able to use his advice. A year or 2 later, I see this entry and I went back to his blog. Now, I’m reading voraciously through everything. Especially this last year, when he started creating entries answering specific commentators’ questions, the material that he put out was an amazing resource. I love the way that his advice is basically sack up and do it, with a few pointers that add but don’t distract like many “gurus”. While I’m reading through it, I’m constantly wanting to ask him questions. I think the world lost a huge asset with his passing.

7 Sal January 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm

He had a big influence on me. We exchanged emails a lot between October and December of last year. He had simple answers, every time. The answers were really hard to accept. I challenged his answers a lot (politely), and I could tell he put a lot of effort into his responses. They still are really hard to believe, because it means lots of putting yourself and your intentions out there. The path to getting sexual relationships means going through a lot more rejection than success.

He told me that every guy, no matter how good their “game,” gets rejected 99% of the time — and that applies to any of the CA instructors, Tucker Max, or even celebrities.

Let’s say you’re out with a really hot girl with the sexiest little body, and you’re having a good time flirting in some secluded part of a dark, sexy lounge. You’re not even that good at flirting, but she’s just eating up everything you say. After red bull and vodka #3, you finally work up enough courage to go in for the kiss and, to your surprise, she gets really into it. After a bit, you ask her to “slow down” because all the pickup books say that girls can get buyers remorse if they act really slutty upfront. She agrees, but a minute later she’s all over you again, kissing every part of your face, coming up for air only to enthusiastically tell you how cute you look with your BR sweater and tie (thanks for the fashion advice GK!), and even how she loves feeling the unshaved stubble on your face. Your ego is practically through the roof at this point. You have that song “I Am Not a Whore” by LMFAO playing in your head.

Well, just because she’s dry humping you in the lounge doesn’t mean she’s going to sleep with you later on.

This actually happened to me, and it confused the hell out of me that she didn’t go home with me that night after I invited her back, so I asked Dirk about it. Dirk said girls have all kinds of reasons why they will or will not take it to the next level with you. The reasons are extremely subjective and vary widely from person to person.

He helped me believe in myself more and blame myself less for “mistakes.” The best piece of advice I got is it’s her “fault” as much as it is my “fault” if an interaction/date/relationship doesn’t work out. It’s either meant to be or it isn’t. She knows within minutes of meeting you how far she’s willing to take it with you physically.

Lately, I can see truth in this because I’ve had girls tell me this, almost verbatim.

In the case of that girl from the story, after two months and a couple dates, I did end up in bed with her, but things stopped short of sex. It was still unbelievably intimate. Then, a week later, she said it’s better if we just be good friends. This hurt a lot. My ego was crushed. What went wrong??? I went back to Dirk for advice. His last piece of advice to me was this:

“My point is that not every girl you click and sleep with ends up being your wife. Some are one night stands, some are short flings, some are girlfriends for a while till you or they find something (or someone) better.

There’s no point being bitter about it and blaming yourself. If she was the one, she’d be there for you.”

Thanks for all your advice, Dirk. It seriously meant so much to me.

8 GK January 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm

These are awesome stories, guys! It’s educational for me to see how you learned from Dirk. And as usual, the advice he gave each of you was on the money.

9 Barry O'Herlihy January 26, 2011 at 5:33 am

“The first thing to realize about escalation is that it’s not about what she wants. That is, when I escalate, I care more about expressing my desires for her than if I lose her as a result of making my desires known.”

This has inspired me to do things I never wanted to do for prides sake.

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