It’s not you … it’s her

by GK on April 29, 2009 · 9 comments

I’ve been through some experiences with women lately that reinforced my thoughts on this whole picking-up-women thing, and what defines a successful or failed interaction.

The old mentality, the one pushed on me when I was first reading about this stuff, was that I bore the obligation of closing the deal with a girl, and that if I didn’t, I did something wrong. “She ignored you and went back to her friends? You just didn’t game her well enough.” The chemistry between us, and whether she was even my type, was irrelevant — if I didn’t hook up with her, my “score” wouldn’t go up, and that was how pickup artists defined their worth, right?

Maybe back then, when I was too hesitant to escalate with a woman, this kind of talk had its place. Now I know better, though, and I’m not looking to be a pickup artist anyway. My night isn’t a success or failure based on how many numbers or hookups I had, and walking away from a woman can be the best result.

A while back, I was talking to this woman at a  “Date My Friend” event in San Francisco — it’s basically a bar with only single people — and about 10 minutes in I made a sexually suggestive comment to her. I don’t remember what it was, but it wasn’t that dirty, and it was indicative of my bawdy humor. The kind of woman I’m into would have laughed at it.

But guess what? She didn’t, and she told me I shouldn’t “be sexual” with a woman until it was time for sex. Well, that may be kosher for her kind of guy — if he exists — but it ain’t for me. So I saved myself some time and told her good night. I remember the surprised look on her face as I walked away, too.

More recently, I’ve also had women I wasn’t that into either stop dating me or walk away from me when I was playing wingman for a friend. Faking interest is one of the toughest things for me, but I’m glad it is. I can save my time for more worthwhile things, such as women I am attracted to, and basketball.

Now, I don’t mean you should walk away from girls as a copout for not taking chances with them. At some point, the burden of escalation does belong to you. But don’t be surprised if the women you hook up with are the ones you actually are compatible with. It’s worked out that way for me, and I’m comforted by that.

I’ll be riffing on this topic more in posts and podcasts to come.


1 Beider April 30, 2009 at 3:26 am

I am just starting out and I have been kicking myself in the ass a few times for not escalating further, however when I think back I wasn’t really into the girl either. But on the other hand this might also be due to my lack of ability to get the girl to truly open up to me. Ah well, who cares 😛 It is progress either way and there are plenty of other interesting girls out there.

But I do like that you touch on this subject, I’ve read a lot of forums and blogs after I started getting into this and I’ve seen many men who take it far too personal if they don’t get anywhere with a woman. As you say, even the ones they aren’t too into they just want to get her number so they can note it down as another success.

Personally I don’t particularly enjoy this mentality, I am not getting into this so I can get the number from a bunch of women and then never call them again. If she had any interest in me at all I’ll probably just make it harder for the next guy who actually likes her to get her number.

I am curious though, I am going to make the assumption that you have had women you are not that into offering their contact info to you before. How do you handle this?

2 GK April 30, 2009 at 10:07 am

Yeah, I think there’s a fine line between getting to know her well enough to make a call on her, and knowing she is or isn’t your type. Sometimes it takes a date or two to decide. But I think as long as you’re making yourself relatable to her and asking a few good questions, that should be enough. If she’s not playing ball at that point, I move on.

I actually want to do a post about when women have tried to “game” me. It further reinforces my belief that all the techniques in the world can only do so much if she’s not into you or vice versa. Usually, I just do what many women do: I exchange numbers without telling her I want to make plans, and I don’t answer the phone. It’s just a number, after all.

3 Jude April 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm

I agree with you, last “date” I had was with a girl so dull and whom I had nothing in common I got bored after a half hour and just left.
It’s already happened to me a couple of times.

4 Country Boy May 2, 2009 at 4:12 pm

I agree with everything that you write. However, I now want to ask you a question that’s been bugging me lately. There have been several times when I didn’t escalate further than maybe making out or above the chest play and I was totally fine with this at the moment. I wasn’t really turned on at the moment. However, the next day or soon thereafter, I get horny and think to myself “I had a beautiful woman willing to do more and I just didn’t. Now I sit alone, horny.”. Thus is the question. How do you maintain your level of horniness, enough so that you will act on your urges and go after what you want?

I’ve been checking out porn or imagining sexual situations recently, prior to meetups and that has worked somewhat but sometimes I may be at someone elses house talking to three guys before we go. That may not be the best time to have sexual fantasies. So then what do you do?

5 GK May 2, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Hmm, this is the first time I’ve heard this question, Country Boy! I guess it turns around the paradigm of women being the ones who need more time to get turned on. And I’m presuming this has nothing to do with physical ability (i.e., no Viagra necessary).

The only time this has been a problem for me, unless we’re talking about a longer-term relationship, was when I didn’t find the girl attractive enough. So that’s the first question I’d ask myself — am I interested in sex with her, or do I just want sex? If your answer is the latter, I’d probably find someone else.

But if you are into her, and you’re just not able to get in the mood together, there may be some underlying factors. Maybe you have performance anxiety, or maybe there’s a logistical problem, such as an unsexy apartment.

If this is the case, rather than having sexual fantasies before you see her, I’d focus on having them WITH her. Try using the various senses — talking, touching, smelling — to get aroused, and use your apartment if you can to help with this. Tell her what you’re thinking of doing to her, and let her respond with her own thoughts. And hey, if she watches porn (many women do), you could do that together as well.

If all that can’t get you in the mood with her, I don’t know what to tell ya. :)

6 Country Boy May 3, 2009 at 4:34 pm

Thanks for your answer GK. I was thinking about one girl in particular when I wrote that. I met her at a bar and talked to her for awhile. I liked her. She was attractive, funny, interesting….my cup of tea. So, we went outside and ended up making out. I wasn’t really out looking for sex at the time and so I just cut the making out short and we went back inside. The next day, I’m sitting there thinking “Why didn’t I sex that girl or at least try?”. It wasn’t really a case of not being attracted to her. I just didn’t want sex that night. However, the next day I did and realized that I should have went for it. I guess I’m still coming from a scarcity mindset right now but on some levels, I’m still not capitolizing on some of those windows of oppurtunity.

7 Country Boy May 3, 2009 at 4:37 pm

Oh yeah. The reason this was a one and done is because she lives two states away and we just happened to be visiting the same place. So, it’s not like I could just call her up and go sex her.

8 GK May 3, 2009 at 5:54 pm

Gotcha. If that kind of hookup is something you’d like in the future — and this has worked for me — I’d go out with the goal of making that happen. If you’re thinking about taking a woman back to your place, and you have your logistics down, you’ll have a better chance of making it happen.

9 Ra May 4, 2009 at 1:56 am

Hey, I just saw your reply to my post. I agree 100%. If I’m truly attracted to the girl, and I want her then and there, assuming logistics are on my side, I get her. And lately, fortunately for me, my standards have gone way up. Not just in the looks department, but as far as personality goes as well. If she’s got the looks, but not a personality I dig, I’m not interested. And vice versa.

It’s not so much that I have choice, I do, but it’s not like I’ve have women lining up soliciting me for sex…it’s that the particular type of sexual intimacy I’m looking for requires a certain kind of non-physical intimacy between us to occur. So I’m cool with taking my time and cool with striking when the iron is hot…both of which led me to be very anxious around women in the past.

But now that I know what I’m looking for, it’s a lot like shopping for clothes. I choose women the way I shop – ignoring everything but what I want and making sure it is what I want so I don’t regret it later.

Life is good.

Country Boy, my suggestion is you enjoy it for what it is. Go looking for girls only when you’re horny. And if you’re meeting a girl when you’re not, make sure you can get a hold of her when you are horny later on. Girls who are from out of state, enjoy the time you have with her in a way you want to and can, and save her for when she visits later or you visit her. There is no rule saying you have to sex her within a certain time frame. You have sex with a girl when you both want to have sex with each other. That is the only time it is right. It may be within 5 minutes of meeting her or 5 months. And sometimes that means no making out till you’ve known each other for a while. Sometimes it means only making out but nothing more till she’s ready. If you’re willing to deal with that, cool. If not, move on.

Lastly, get better at choosing partners. Rather than trying to change yourself, choose women who fit your needs better. If sexing a girl the night you only want to make out isn’t what you’re into, find women who better fit your logistics. That is, they live close and are willing to come over when you’re horny and call them.

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