Mailbag: Making Time for Meeting Women

by GK on November 16, 2011 · 3 comments

I’m two days away from flying to New York to celebrate Rob Overman’s 30th birthday. And I know what you’re thinking: “Like you haven’t already been taking a vacation from this blog?” I know, I know, but I can make at least one November post before I leave.

I owe this post to a question from a faithful reader, B from Philadelphia. I met his equally cool friend SW for a drink last week, and I can say they represent exactly the kind of reader or student I’ve enjoyed knowing: well-adjusted, happy dudes who see women as just a part of their multi-faceted lives.

Here’s what B had to say:

I’m in no position to write a guest post on your blog, but I was always surprised that there wasn’t a topic covering being truly happy with yourself before trying to be happy with someone else. I know that in the case of (SW) and myself, over the course of the last two years we’ve put time and effort to really get where we wanted to be in life, rather than specifically being caught up on being single ahead of everything else. And it’s worked: Girls notice that we’re happy, that we’re doing what we want to do, and all the methodology that goes into making things go (Big 4, etc) all become more of a few items to check off as you’re talking instead of a sometimes difficult process of getting to the ‘close.’

So since we figured out how to be happy, we figured out how to talk, how to be confident, etc, we’re really only left with one issue: Where are the quality girls? I’m slowly starting to perfect my online-dating bit, although getting to the first date is 99.99% of the effort/trouble. So how do you meet them in person? Since bookstores are dead, you suggested “parks, squares, festivals, shopping malls, museums, college campuses, buses, churches.” Well, that’s great and all, but to be genuine you can’t just go to those places and hit on women non stop. It needs to be real, and I spend my time in the evenings at the gym, then cooking before getting to bed, and I’m often busy on the weekends doing things that don’t involve just hanging out in a public place. It’s not that we don’t have time to meet girls, but we don’t have the time to spend hours *not* meeting them, as we already have lots of fun stuff happening.

My suggestion was to try to somehow integrate the things that we enjoy doing that are girl compatible (say, cooking or dancing), and somehow do that in a fun, social setting. It was just a thought, but that’s why I’m writing you….  we’re sort of drawing a blank. Day game is what we want, and it’s what have almost no experience with!

Regarding your first comment, B, point taken. While I think it’s always been in the subtext of what I write (for example, I’ve made the case for technique being overrated), I could devote more time to stating the obvious-but-underrated truth: confidence is more attractive than anything, and if you’re having a great life without the girl, she’s more likely to want to be part of it. All the lessons in the world won’t help a sad, weak guy.

So there, I said it. Happy now??? I kid.

If you still can't find the time to meet a girl, buy a Dolorean.

On to your question. This is a dilemma I’ve considered before:  It can be weird and time consuming if you’re going out just to meet women, especially during the day. (Unless of course, you’re the Simple Pickup guys.) At the same time, if you stay too focused on your awesome life and your chores when you’re out, you’ll have to confine your female options to the OK Cupid crowd. Which, by the way, does work for some guys.

It’s not as hard as you think, though. Opportunities to meet some sweet girls are probably all around you, but you might need to fine-tune your radar and notice them while you’re going about your business. I don’t remember where I heard this advice, but I believe in it: If you want to be lucky in life, you have to be willing to go off the script.

I’ll give you some recent examples:

  • I could have stuck to the script of tossing the football around at the park with my friend one Saturday. But instead we met some other folks to play with there, and when a girl in their group playfully stripped the ball away from me, I saw the opportunity. I ended up with her number.
  • I could have stuck to the script of writing, um, my script at the coffee shop. But when a girl brought her laptop to my table and started working, I worked her a little. I ended up with her number and got my writing done.
  • My buddy Tre Tre could have stuck to the script of meeting me for lunch at another coffee shop one afternoon. But when a girl a few seats away overheard something he said and commented, he struck up a long conversation and got her number.
  • I could have stuck to the worse-than-Star-Wars-Episode-I script of waiting in line at the post office while eight children were causing a ruckus. But there was a hot girl in front of me, so I asked her how much the postage would be to ship those kids. Nothing came of it, but at least I made us laugh during an otherwise busy day.
  • My friend could have stuck to the script of playing his iPod during his flight home from a vacation in Paris. But he spotted a gorgeous French girl sitting a row away from him and struck up a conversation. They’re now living together.

As you suggested, you can maximize your time by choosing activities that are likely to include women. I work in the day and do most of my socializing at night, so dancing to 80s music, which I love, has been a great way to multitask. But I’ll bet that every now and then when you’re at an anti-social place like the gym, you could sneak in a comment to a cute girl who’s between exercises.

Yes, this means taking a risk and going off the script. But that’s how the happiest endings are made.




1 SW November 16, 2011 at 7:39 am

Off The Script. Definitely has a ring to it and is equally great advice. By the way, I had a great time hanging out and discussing our respective life experiences while on my work trip to San Fran. I think this post helps guys like me realize that sometimes I do go off the script, like the story I told you about the girl I met from Toronto when our flight was canceled. I could have followed my usual script like your friend Tre Tre of listening to my iPod waiting for my flight, but instead I asked her to lunch and ended up spending 4 hours with her at the airport between layovers, getting her number when we landed.

Nothing materialized out of it (I know you were wondering haha). However, I think the important takeaway from this is that we both ended up actually having a fun time together (impromptu date if you will) instead of being miserable by ourselves and angry that our flight had to be re-booked. As you told me in person and here in this article, opportunities are all around us.

Thanks for the post GK!

2 B (in Philly) November 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

Pretty amazing that you posted my email GK! Thanks again!

It’s really funny that you posted about being stuck with OKCupid folks, as that site has treated me very well (once I’m able to actually get a response).

Come to think of it, I usually make a good effort to talk/meet girls when I do happen to be in public. For example, I got a cute brunette’s number on the Megabus between Philly and NYC. I’m just rarely in those situations.

I guess what I need to do is make a bit more of an effort to do my ‘normal’ stuff in a better environment. For example, rather than shopping at my local grocery store, I could make it a point to shop at a store in a trendier part of town. Or clothes shop at the fancy mall versus the smaller/closer one. This way the additional time commitment is minimal while the opportunities are exponentially larger.

As SW and I discussed earlier, it seems like this is just another tool to add to your arsenal. Between making an effort to notice the opportunities during regular daytime stuff, typical nighttime stuff, online stuff, and other social events, it should be awfully easy to fill your calendar with dates.

Thanks again!


3 GK November 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Yeah B, just tweaking when and where you do things can make a big difference. One suggestion: go grocery shopping wherever organic food is sold, and do it around 6 to 8 p.m. My local store gets flooded with women around that time.

SW, your story was a great example of going off the script. But for the record, this was another friend of mine, not Tre Tre, who met the girl on the plane. Tre hates the French. :)

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