Mailbag: When to Show a Woman Interest

by GK on October 22, 2011 · 1 comment

If it seems like I’m taking longer between posts these days, it’s because you’re right. I’ve started some online-editing work and while I’m excited to work full time again, I’m finding it tougher to switch gears between Greg the Editor and GK during the workweek.

It’s a big time saver when you guys feed me some common questions I can answer here. Sometimes I forget to write about the basics because by now they’re so, well, basic to me.

Thankfully, I got a good question courtesy of Tom from Canada, whom I recently coached over the phone. Here it is:

It has to do with the whole idea of SOI’s and SOA’s. I understand what they are, but I was wondering the following:

I) How soon after starting a conversation with a girl should I use them
II) I was wondering if you could give me a few examples of SOA’s you use, not so I’ll have lines, but you mentioned on your site that women have complimented you on your direct approach, and I was hoping to gauge how aggressive your SOA’s and SOI’s are, or how direct they are, or if you just have to work it on a case by case basis.

For the uninitiated, the SOA (Statement of Appreciation) and SOI (Statement of Interest) are popular with the Charisma Arts crowd, of which I was of course a member. This is one of those times where what I teach and what I practice in my own life are a little different.

When a guy has spent his whole life playing it safe and not showing interest in girls, he needs to take some simple steps to change that. You wouldn’t give a Ferrari to a first-time driver (not without a ton of insurance), for instance.

I never cared for the term SOA — I find it confusing when all it really means is showing a girl you like her. But telling her you like her was, of course, part of the Big Four I taught. Even though I often don’t say it. But guys often got quick results with that because it was easy to remember, and they were escalating for the first time in their lives.

As for the SOI, while it’s important to show romantic interest in a woman, I found many CA guys (including instructors) misunderstanding this. The words “I find that sexy about you” became inextricably linked with the SOI, and I think it was to a lot of guys’ detriment because they wouldn’t make an actual move. I can tell my buddy’s girlfriend that she’s sexy, but it doesn’t mean I want to hook up with her.

There are many other (and better) ways to show interest, and I’ll cover some of them here. Let’s break down Tom’s two questions:

I): The simple answer for when to show friendly or sexual interest in a girl is this: show it when you think she’s earned it. That could be as soon as you approach her, when she’s wearing the T-shirt of your favorite football team, or it could be days after you met her, when you discover during a friendly drink that you want more than friendship with her.

Guys often wait for some kind of cue from the girl to show interest when they should simply act on instinct. You’ll come across as far more confident that way, and you won’t suffer paralysis from analysis.

Don Draper doesn't worry about when to show interest. He just does it.

 II): It is true that I often take a direct route with how I show interest in women, but how I do it varies greatly, depending on the situation and my own mood:

  • For one thing, my statements of interest are often not statements at all, since I’m not a big talker. It can simply the way I maintain eye contact with a woman when neither of us is talking. Or the way I take her hand as we joke around.
  • I’ve also met a lot of women on the dance floor, where talking is minimal. So sometimes the best way to show interest is to get up close and kiss her. The verbal interest can come later.
  • When I am in conversation, I don’t hand out many compliments. The most common verbal way I’ll show interest is to use the word “date.” This works for me because I’m showing intent, not just interest. For instance, I’ll jokingly ask that she not embarrass me in front of the staff at my favorite bar on our first date. Or I’ll just straight-up tell her I want to go on a date with her. There’s no misunderstanding my intentions that way.
  • There will be times, such as when you’re visiting a town or meeting her in the daytime, where it’s better to keep the interaction going rather than plan a future date. So, rather than just give compliments, I’ll simply invite her to sit down with me. Or if the bars are closing, invite her to my place or even back to hers. Again, this is showing intent as well as interest, which is more my style.
  • If we’re hanging out on a non-date but I feel the vibe shifting, I might say that I was thinking about helping her meet a guy that night, but now I wanted her all to myself.
  • Sometimes I’ll show interest just by getting her logistics: “Before I keep flirting with you, do you have a boyfriend?” It may seem obvious to me that we’re flirting, but it’s not always to her.
  • When I do give compliments, they’re usually light and simple: “Hey, you’re fun to talk to. Let’s hang out another time.”

I should add that another way I show interest is by simply listening to the girl. Guys are often so busy racking their brains for the next witty remark that they miss hearing what’s really important to her. When I ask her a follow-up question about her interest in painting five minutes after she mentioned it, that’s another way for her to feel appreciated.

But you know what? You don’t have to do any of these things. Just find out what works for you.  My buddy Tre Tre will simply have a normal conversation about everyday things like cayaking, but he does it with such enthusiasm and commitment (and occasional dirty humor) that the girl will throw herself at him once it’s time to escalate things.

Just remember to Always Be Closing, and you’ll show interest one way or another.

{ 1 comment }

1 Barry November 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm

I just wanted to say I found this interesting. I particularly like that you explain what you advise versus what you do yourself.

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