Musings from the mailbag

by GK on June 15, 2010 · 8 comments

Sometimes I look to you, my dear readers, for inspiration on blog topics. Especially when I’m swamped with work, my social life and the Celtics in the NBA Finals. (I really, really hope they win Game 6 on Tuesday so my life can return to normal and I’m no longer an anxious mess.) So with three of you writing me for advice in the past week, here’s a little mailbag coming your way:

Question One: “Hey Greg, just a quick question. Now that you are no longer with CA, has your method that you do and teach others changed at all or is it still basically the big 4?”

Answer: If you’ve taken instruction with me or read much of this blog, you know I ♥ the Big Four when it comes to meeting women. I adopted it from Rob Overman, my former mentor with Charisma Arts, soon after I was hired, and it played a big role in simplifying what we were teaching at the time. Rather than force-feed a smorgasbord of techniques and abstract theory, we stuck to the basics, ’cause the basics are all a growing boy needs.

And even now, I consider it a big piece of the puzzle, though it isn’t the entire thing. For instance, eye contact and vibe matter a lot too. Also, I emphasize the big picture more these days. A guy who has a life, passions and enthusiasm but inferior game can do much better than a guy with slick game but no life or self-awareness. And I really emphasize the “shut up and lead” theme. Conversation means nothing if you’re not a closer.

Speaking of the Big Four and Rob, I’ll be doing a long-overdue podcast with him this week. So prepare for a treat.

Question Two: “Hi GK, many thanks for such crystal clear advice. It cuts much of the complicated PUA lingo out and its frankness is a breath of fresh air. I wanted to discuss with you the possibility of giving do’s and don’ts pointers on sarging men for friendship or even to open a young lady they may be escorting. I find “mixed sets” as some may say to be daunting and wouldn’t know really how to handle aggression from the start.”

Answer: I like this question because it shows how “approach anxiety” is about a lot more than picking up girls. I find guys are just as nervous about approaching other guys in social settings, if not more so because the pretenses are more ambiguous and there’s the fear of aggression. And here in San Francisco, we can’t always trust our Gaydar.

But I have in fact “picked up” guys, and a few of them became good friends of mine. It’s an essential skill for men looking to expand their social circles, and I think it’s what separates the truly social from the horndogs. I provided an example of meeting a girl after approaching a guy in my post on gatekeepers.

If you’re meeting guys at a bar or party who are without girls, common interests are an easy way to bond. Two topics work for me almost every time: girls and sports. If you just walk up to the guy with a warm vibe, say cheers, and ask a simple “How do the girls look here tonight?”, it will usually alleviate any sexuality questions and get the guy talking. Even the Type A guys will often be friendly with you if you’re friendly with them. From there, just share a couple of good-natured wisecracks and you’re instant buddies.  

Just as with women, you need to be a closer. If you know what kind of guy friends you’re looking for, it’ll be easy to suggest hanging out with them again, whether it’s as wingmen, basketball buddies or otherwise.

You know Sergio (Garcia)? It can pay off if you do.

If the guy is with attractive girls, the same principles apply, but just be tactful and learn the right information before or soon after you flirt with anyone. I’ve made statements like, “I don’t want to step on your toes, man, so could you tell me which of these girls are taken?” If he’s cool, he’ll tell you and even offer to help you meet the single ones. Never ignore the guy (unless he’s earned it), or you’ll risk getting c-blocked or worse. Also, it’s bad manners.

If you’re ever met with hostility or a-hole behavior, which has rarely happened to me, just don’t panic or return the hostility. Kill him with kindness, and he’ll have no choice but to leave you alone. I once made a guy look like a fool in front of his girlfriend that way.

Question Three: “I would be interested in hearing your insight on how to handle the ‘brush-off.’ Assuming that I manned-up, led, showed interest and hit the logistics,  I’m wondering on how to approach these situations– the last-minute text about the ‘family emergency but I want to really meet up later’ or ‘can we move this to tomorrow?’ In some cases, I’m not sure I’m getting brushed off entirely or they just got a better offer for that evening or whatever it may be. Really, this may be a self-answering question because if someone really is attracted to you, they will move mountains– or is that not always the case? But how do you handle that? Do you inquire for more info or just say ‘I’m free on ####, let me know if you can make it’ or something else entirely?”

Answer: Every guy gets flaked on. That’s just an occupational hazard of dating. And the only “right” answer on how to handle it depends on your tolerance for it.

Personally, I would be more tolerant if she made it clear that she does want to see me and even suggested another night. This is real life, and people do get sick, face emergencies or get stuck with work, even though they are interested in you. So feel free to suggest alternate plans. She’ll make time for you if she likes you and the logistics are right.

What I have less tolerance for is when the girl cancels more than once or gives a vague, “maybe some other time” remark without apologizing. I have a busy social calendar and my time is precious,  so I’m going to put the ball in her court and see how serious she is. I’ve made texts to the effect of, “I’d like to see you another time if you’re actually interested in hanging out. It doesn’t help if you’re flaky! :) Tell me what night works for you.” Sometimes this has led to dates, and other times I’ve never heard from them again. Either way, I win.

But other guys don’t mind keeping 30 phone numbers and trying the same girls over and over again — this can work too. Just go with what feels right to you.

{ 8 comments }

1 Parker Lee | howtomingle.com June 15, 2010 at 8:15 pm

Hey Greg! Nice to see you’re still alive and running, I must say that I’m very excited to hear the podcast with you and Rob.

That should be a very, very big treat for me and I’m sure–the rest of your readers.

–Parker

2 GK June 15, 2010 at 8:30 pm

Hey, Mr. Lee! I’m glad to see you’re still at it as well. I’m interviewing Rob tomorrow and I’ll get the podcast up ASAP.

3 Johnny June 19, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Boston Chokers!!!!!

4 Johnny June 19, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Being a NY sports fan I hate all teams from Boston, but I must say that I hate the Kobe Lakers more than the Celtics.

5 GK June 19, 2010 at 4:29 pm

I’ll bet you wish the Knicks could choke like that, Johnny! Losing to the Lakers is what makes it tough, but that’s sports.

6 Johnny June 20, 2010 at 5:24 am

The Knicks? NY has a basketball team?????

7 Mary July 27, 2010 at 3:59 am

Personally, I’ve always found texting rather crass. I think if a guy likes me, the least he can do is *call*.

8 GK July 27, 2010 at 10:44 am

Thanks for commenting, Mary. In a perfect world, I agree that calling is the more personal way to go, and I’ve met girls who strongly prefer that. But I find women are tough to reach on the phone, and I cannot stand playing phone tag. So text works really well for me that way. So rest assured, even if the guy texts you, he probably likes you! :)

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