It’s Mailbag Time, boys and girls! And this is my favorite kind of mail, because it asks a good question AND strokes my ego. It’s from a former SF student of mine:

“Hey GK. I’m floored that it has been a year since you and I went out. I found it a fruitful experience which just keeps building. My game is rapidly improving and I no longer fret when things go wrong or not the way I wanted.

However, I have a question that I would like you to answer in a future post. This is really lame but I feel I would like some tips (aside from the big four) on making the conversation go from going well to fun and interesting but before sexual — those little “punches” to the proverbial balloon to make float up again.”

Lame? Certainly not. One thing guys often get wrong is the idea that they’re supposed to entertain the girl. What matters more, in my experience, is entertaining myself first. If I’m having fun with the conversation in my own way, even if it seems improper, chances are she will too. Or, she’ll think I’m a jerk and leave, which saves me time.

I was out drinking last week with Tre Tre and a female friend of mine in a quiet bar, and we were making all kinds of dirty jokes out loud. We had a game where every time one of us said “balls” we all had to drink, and we were wondering out loud where we could find some prostitutes.

You don’t have to be as obscene as us, of course. But because we were having such a blast, we were drawing others into our conversation. The girl bartender loved us. And I assure you, we weren’t trying to please anyone but ourselves.

Ultimately, you’ll want to find what works best for you through trial and error. But I’ll go ahead and give you some ideas of what’s worked for me and other guys:

When the conversation starts going sour, just look to Stevie.

Inside jokes: One time I was on a bar patio with a friend of mine, and Lord knows why but for some reason we were talking enthusiastically about Stevie Nicks.  I just turned and mentioned how mind-blowingly awesome Stevie Nicks is to a couple of blondes standing next to us, and they joined in. My friend and I got paired off with the two girls, and Stevie Nicks came up repeatedly during our conversation. I was so over-the-top enthusiastic about the subject that I’d even hold her in my excitement.

 

Another example would be the time I was winging for a student and within 60 seconds of meeting my girl I told her with great enthusiasm that I was producing a porn movie and asked if she’d like to help. That became a running joke between us, and because I showed an uninhibited side, she asked me how to say “take your clothes off” in Armenian, which became another running joke.

Teasing: And I don’t mean negging. This is where being a good listener is important, because girls will reveal all kinds of little flaws about them. If she tells you she’s bad with directions or can’t cook, now you have something fun you can bring up repeatedly.

Talking about unique stuff you’re into: Lately my Nerd Nite friend Bart has gotten me hooked on the hipster sport of disc golf, and I can’t stop talking about it. So naturally it comes up in my conversations with women, many of whom haven’t heard of it and get interested. It even gives me the excuse to demonstrate by holding her arms and simulating a throw. Everyone wins.

Another example would be the weekly Man Dates I have with Tre Tre. Girls often enjoy accusing me of being gay, and I have a lot of fun making innuendo about myself. Sometimes you want the girls to tease you.

Bringing other people into it: L.A. Greg and d.R. did a great job with this when they were coaching in a group situation. While talking to a girl or girls, they might send one of them on a fact-finding mission. Greg might say, “You see that girl over there? I want you to find out what her favorite food is and come tell us.” And sure enough, she’d do it with a big smile on her face. Then Greg might go do the same thing and come back.

Observing your surroundings: Pay attention to what’s around you, and have some fun with that. One time I’d met a girl at a museum event, looking at the women walking around us, and we surmised that the girls wearing high heels were single because they wanted to impress more. So each time a girl walked by, we’d comment on that.

Technology: This isn’t my thing as I don’t even have a smartphone yet, but I’ve seen guys use Youtube videos or funny apps with girls, such as the one that takes her picture and adds 150 pounds to it.

I could go on and on, but you get the point. Go where you have fun and talk about stuff you have fun with. That’s usually all it takes.

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GK’s Book Pick: Seduce with Style

by GK on January 13, 2011 · 1 comment

I was vacationing with Oprah in Australia last month. Well, not really, but we were both in the same beach town at the same time, and her helicopter flew above me while I was snorkling in the Great Barrier Reef.  So it’s only fitting that I play Oprah and make a little book recommendation for you.

And in full disclosure, part of the reason I like this book is that I’m in it. It’s a just-released work called “Seduce with Style,” and it’s written by a local friend of mine who goes by the uber-masculine handle AlphaWolf. He also runs a site called God of Style.

The 203-page ebook (priced at $59.95) is an all-inclusive style guide for men, covering clothes, accessories, shoe maintenance, skin care, colognes and more — with the specific intent of helping them attract women. I thought it was a great idea when the Wolf approached me for an interview, and having read it three times I can say it’s an excellent resource for any guy who’s looking to find or upgrade his look.

Aside from all the practical and personal advice the book provides — which is solid — I think my favorite part is near the end, when the writer acknowledges this: attractive style is not the most important thing in the world.

I’ll be frank: this is a Community-influenced work, and I generally recoil from that crowd (even though I’ve been part of it) because it seems like if you’re not dressed like Russell Brand and dating five strippers and rating every girl on a 1-10 scale, you’re doing something wrong in their minds. And indeed there are a couple of terms in this book, such as the “attraction switch,” that I don’t really believe in teaching.

But this book isn’t trying to make guys look or act the same — rather, it helps tailor the style to the guy. This tailoring includes physical features — short guys shouldn’t wear more than three buttons on a jacket, for example — wearing the right colors for your skin type, and matching the clothes to the lifestyle. One term I do agree with is “congruence”: if you’re an accountant, look like a sharp-dressed accountant, not a punk rocker.

I have a personal love of style, and I’ll never apologize for that even in ultra-casual San Francisco. And indeed it’s helped me to attract women, but it’s just another tool in the toolbox as far as that goes. What matters more is that understanding my style helped me to understand who I am and have more fun.

That’s why I’m recommending “Seduce with Style” here. It’s meant not just to help a guy look better, but to also live better.

And did I mention I’m in it? You can download my little advice spread here:

GK Advice Page

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We now bring you to the conclusion of Rob’s ironclad plan for a girlfriend. You can read Part I here.

***

Get a Girlfriend Game Plan: May – September

So you’ve got the basics covered, you can strike up a conversation at whim and even make it fun and interesting. People like you and they like being around you. You get phone numbers and dates. But where do you go from there? And there’s still no girlfriend in the picture, we can’t forget about that.

 Here’s where I’m going to break away from my previous Rocky IV metaphor, because if I kept following it I would imply that after you train you should go out and fight the fight of your life that defines your boxing/dating career forever and ever (and no other sequel can match, ahem).

 It just doesn’t happen that way. You probably won’t meet your future wife right now. There probably isn’t an epic date waiting to happen just yet. Instead, I’m pretty sure that you’ll find yourself going on date after date with a bunch of different girls. Some will be duds but some will be fun. Also do not, under any circumstances think that you have any obligation to date only one person at a time. Going on dates with multiple people will only make you a better date. Trust me, they will thank you for it later. Here are some things to think about:

1. Dating Logistics. Why are you even on a date? Maybe sex, maybe companionship in some general sense, maybe just boredom, who knows. My question is this: what kind of date are you? Do you know how to be a fun date? For me, it turns out I wasn’t. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but I have had at least two truly horrible dates that had all the potential in the world to be fun but instead turned out completely miserable because I was inexperienced and didn’t know any better.

So your next leg of training will probably involve learning how to plan and execute a good date. And at the beginning of this process expect to burn a few. Your first few dates will be learning experiences, so it might be a good idea to ask a girl that you’re not very interested in. I know that sounds horrible. But eventually you will learn how to plan a fun date, so think of the first few as a necessary step to meet your next girlfriend. I would love to go into detail about dating logistics, but that is a book unto itself. Call GK to get a time-tested game plan.

2. Money. You’ve got to be spending a fortune on all the dates, right? Well, if you’re doing it the old-fashioned way of taking a girl out for dinner or a movie then yes, you probably are dumping your paycheck out every week for a plate of lobster. Now is the time to learn that a better date involves meeting for drinks in the evening. You’ll learn to avoid dates where you just walk around a park or dates where you sit across from each other awkwardly at a coffee shop or dates where you sit silently next to each other at a movie and then go home alone.

3. Balance. When do you find time for all these dates? Should you take a date out on Friday or Saturday? What about weekdays and school nights? Your job is to figure out the answer to these questions based on your own schedule. But, like everything, here are some things to think about. Dates on the weekend have the advantage that neither of you have to wake up early for work the next day. The disadvantage is that they take away from your availability to go out with your friends and meet more women. If this is a concern, you can always schedule a date during the week. The major drawback from this is that there is an implied time limit the next day. At some point one or both of you have to wake up and go to work, and just having this thought in the back of your head might prevent you from enjoying yourself as much as you’d like to.

4. Flexibility.Have a backup plan in case a date sucks. Let’s say you set up a date with a girl you’ve recently met for Friday night at 9 p.m. You meet up with her at a wine bar and have a few drinks. But for some reason, things just don’t click. Your jokes just aren’t landing like they usually do. She’s not as fun as she seemed when you first met her. Maybe you’re a vegetarian and she’s wearing a Lady Gaga-esque meat dress.

Caught in a bad romance? Think about a backup plan.

Regardless, you both realize by 11 p.m. that it’s just not a good match. So you make up an excuse about how you have to drive a friend to the airport tomorrow and both politely exchange goodbyes with a promise to meet again soon while you both know that it will never happen again. You walk out of the bar and delete her number. She does the same. It’s 11:15, what do you do? It only takes one instance of this to happen until you learn to schedule a backup. Maybe it’s a backup date with another girl or maybe you just meet up with your friends at another bar to meet more girls. It’s not a difficult solution to implement, but make sure that you’ve thought about it and planned it beforehand so that you don’t waste time figuring out where to go next. There’s nothing that kills a vibe more than waiting around figuring out where to go next while the rest of the world is having a party.

Look at you. Just a few months ago you were sitting in front of your computer, staring at the screen, wondering how to get a girlfriend and now you are Mr. Super Date. You’re George Fucking Clooney.

So now you have to ask yourself, do you still want a girlfriend?

Caught you, didn’t I? Read on to the next section to find out more.

Get a Girlfriend Game Plan: October – December

To some people, it’s the season of holidays. But to those truly in the know, it’s Girlfriend Season. Girlfriend season lasts from Halloween through Valentine’s Day, at least here in the US. It’s the time of year when girls hate being alone. Of course after Valentine’s Day it is also the tradition to break up and start getting in shape for Spring Break. But that’s for another day.

So here you are, running your game like a machine. Months ago it was hard to get a date, now it’s easy peezy. A lot of guys find that they really enjoy just dating girls and having casual relationships. And that’s the way it should be. The big secret is that once you start looking for a relationship you’ve already kind of screwed up. Instead, the best thing you can do is figure out who you are and what you’re looking for in someone else. And since you’re going out on so many dates, if you happen to recognize those traits in someone, then it might be time to consider committing yourself to that girl.

 Of course it’s not just that easy. There are some things to consider:

 1. Sex before Relationship.Here is a rule to live by – sex happens before the relationship. You are not dating a girl if you have not had sex with her. She is not your girlfriend. You are not monogamous with each other. You are not exclusive. But what if there are special circumstances, like religion or some other moral or cultural code that keeps sex on the  back burner? In those cases, I would say that there has to at least be sexual tension, the belief that sex could happen if you just pushed it a little.

2. She wants to be Exclusive. Be patient and let her decide that she wants to be exclusive with you. Let her bring up the subject. It’s much easier to agree to it than spend your time trying to convince someone to date you.

3. Do You Fit?I dated a girl for a few months before I met her friends at a house party. They were cool people, but just not my people. The relationship ended shortly thereafter because I think we realized that it just wasn’t a sustainable long-term thing. In another instance, I was casually seeing a girl for a month or so when she started to get serious. See point #2 above. So she started bringing her family around me, but I realized pretty quick that I didn’t like them and couldn’t see them fitting into my life or vice versa, so I ended it. Was it harsh? Maybe. But I like to think that it was better to end it at that point instead of building a relationship that I knew wasn’t going to last.

 So will it take you a year to get a serious girlfriend? I don’t know for sure, but I doubt it. Chances are you will learn that the journey is the reward unto itself. And at that point you might decide that having a girlfriend isn’t what you want at all. But if you do still want a girlfriend, you can feel confident that all the work you’ve just done has landed you a girl who is really and truly someone you want to be with instead of just some placeholder girl that you picked up just so you’re not alone.

Next up I’ll write about a few things you can do right now to improve your lifestyle in 2011. But I have to be honest, I would love to know if anyone has or will implement any of these ideas. If you’ve ever gone through a period where you put in the work to make a personal change for the better I would like to hear about it in the comments.

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Yes! An excuse for Greg to post a "Rocky IV" photo!

I’m tagging in the great Rob Overman to close out 2010. For those of you who are returning to dating or have never really done it, he offers a structured plan on succeeding at it, and I think it should be required reading in schools all over America. Instead, you’ll just have to read it here. I’ll have the second and final part up tomorrow. Enjoy.

***

The New Year is upon us. And with it comes a slew of resolutions, many aimed at self-improvement and personal development (anyone else getting a shit ton of e-mails about the latest workout DVD?). If your New Year’s resolution is about lighting a fire under the ass of your dating life, this story of redemption is for you.

I was talking with a guy yesterday, and during the conversation he said:

“My entire goal for the New Year is to get a girlfriend. Like, a serious relationship – someone I can spend time with, ya know? Especially since it was just the holidays and my whole family kept asking ‘So is there anyone special in your life? When are you going to get a girlfriend?’”

Poor guy. Here’s a little of his back story just to give some perspective. He and his ex-GF broke up about two years ago. As far as I know he hasn’t dated anyone serious since then. In fact, I’m not sure if he’s even gone out on a date since then. And since he hasn’t really dated anyone, well, his game is probably a little rusty.

So here’s a question to the readers: How would you bounce back from this? If you’re basically starting your dating life over again after a breakup (or even if you never had a dating life in the first place) how do you do it? Seriously, I want to hear your opinions, leave ‘em in the comments below.

Here’s my take.

I’ve always said that when it comes to meeting women, you are either working or you’re playing. And if you’re not playing, then you’re working for it, and that’s not attractive.

But when you’re building a dating life from scratch, it’s going to take work. About a year’s worth of it, actually. So let’s get to it.

Get a Girlfriend Game Plan: January – April

I hope you’re ready to do some work because this is going to be your training time. Remember in “Rocky IV” when Rocky gives up his U.S. title to go to Russia and train all winter in the old barn? He lifts weights around his neck and does upside down sit-ups and jogs through the snow until he can outrun his Soviet escorts.

That’s you. You’re Rocky coming out of retirement. If you went up against Drago right now you’d get knocked out in the first round, so that means it’s time to train. Back in the day when I was younger and had just moved to the city I spent the winter slushing through the streets of NYC. I was inexperienced and outmatched.

I dressed with no style (though I didn’t realize it at the time), I couldn’t keep a conversation going, let alone make it fun or sexy, and I had no idea what to do if I actually did get a phone number.

So I trained.

1. Find a trainer. Luckily for me, I met a guy who would later become one of my best friends. He took me under his wing and showed me around the city. He was the type of guy who didn’t mince words: I remember one day I met up with him at a bar wearing a T-shirt over a button-up shirt and he said, “You look like an American Eagle store threw up on you.” It was a lesson learned.

One very important thing to look for in a trainer is someone who can help you from a position of love and respect. You want someone who will give you constructive criticism with your best interests in mind. Don’t just pick someone who, although they are good with women themselves, can’t teach it to you or just bust your balls when you go out. As the old saying goes, “Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.”

2. Work on the Basics.You must, must, must spend the time slogging through the motions of starting a conversation. It doesn’t have to be pretty or smooth, but just get used to it. Sure, it’s scary sometimes and the pressure is all on you, but it’s important that you get used to that rush of adrenaline and work through your nerves to get the job done. Here’s a tip: don’t worry about what you say to start a conversation or even what she says back to you. Instead, think of what you’re going to say next. At this point you’re a stranger to her, so start by talking about yourself to de-strangerfy yourself. If she’s into you, she’ll start sharing stories about herself as well and after that it’s all downhill.

OK, that’s not true. There is still a lot left to work on when it comes to the basics. See the Big Four, for example. And I really recommend working with a coach to get the basics mastered, so if you have the time and are committed to it, give GK a call and tell him that you’ve got a little experience under your belt but want to know how to really maximize your time when you’re out.

 3. Try, and Fail to get a Date. What? Fail to get a date? That’s crazy talk, Rob! You might think so, but I believe that we learn more from our failures than from our successes. During my own “training” phase, and especially toward the end of it, I began to notice that I was getting phone numbers every night

I went out, but very few of them ever turned into a date. What was I doing wrong? It took a few more months of trial and error to figure it out, but it eventually came down to how I “closed.” I’m not going to get into details here (again, call GK and set up a time to talk so that he can give you the best advice for your particular situation), but it turns out that I was acting too aloof when I got a girl’s number. Basically I was coming off like a player and they weren’t taking me seriously. I know, it surprised me too. Also, my phone game stunk, but eventually I smoothed it out into a formula that was pretty much foolproof. The funny thing is that I never would have gotten successful if I didn’t spend the winter walking all over NYC figuring out what I was doing wrong.

 At this point you’re like Rocky running faster and stronger than his Soviet escorts. You’ve spent the winter training and getting better, but your goal might still be out of reach. In Part II, I’ll explain what I would do (and did) next.

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I’m Back, and my 2011 Coaching Status

by GK on December 30, 2010

2010 marked the year I got away from social coaching, and I couldn’t get much farther away than the islands of Thailand. It wasn’t easy returning from my travels to Australia and Asia, but listening to the familiar cable car chimes outside my window has made me feel at home again.

(There are too many highlights from the trip to mention here, but as a fashion fanatic, I’ll tell you this: Hong Kong is a clothing shopper’s paradise. Not only will the shop girls fall over themselves to help you and flirt with you, but you can also dress like a celebrity on the cheap. I loaded up on ties there, and I got two tailor-made dress shirts for $45 each. If only I had a bigger suitcase.)

Anyway, with a new year on the way, I thought this would be a good time to update you on my coaching status, especially since a few of you have expressed interest. Basically, my status hasn’t changed. As I explained soon after leaving CA, I’ll still agree to coach the occasional guy in person or over the phone, as long as he’s motivated and I think we’re a good fit. 

I gave two private instructions on my own this year, and they were two of the best and most enjoyable students I ever had, and I supplemented those with some good phone-coaching students, too. Although I didn’t plan to do any coaching in 2011, I rather liked that leisurely workload, since it lets me keep my distance from this business while still making a positive contribution for the guys who can really benefit.

One other thing: Since Rob Overman has been making some cameo appearances here, some of you have asked me to get you in touch with him. I’ve essentially been playing secretary for him to let him enjoy his retirement (and his marriage), but Rob will be making a separate post on this matter soon. He also has a banging two-part New Year’s post coming up.

I hope that clears things up, and if it doesn’t, just ask me. Thanks to all of you who read this blog, and let’s make 2011 one bad-ass year, shall we?

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GK on Vacation, and Self-Deprecation

by GK on November 26, 2010 · 2 comments

I am interrupting today’s turkey and pumpkin pie binge to make a temporary farewell entry. I’m two days from the vacation of a lifetime, as I’ll be spending 28 days visiting Australia, Singapore, Thailand and Hong Kong. The only reason I’m not excited about this is that I won’t be traveling with my laptop, which will put me in better touch with my surroundings but in worse touch with my writing.

So you probably won’t see this blog updated until after Christmas. But hey, every TV show has its reruns, so consider this your chance to peruse my archives and re-read some of your favorite posts over the holidays. Or you can watch my 50-minute Nerd Nite presentation yet again!

In fact, this post is in part inspired by one of the questions I received at the end of that presentation — the suggestion that guys need a healthy amount of self-deprecation to be good with women. I have some strong opinions on this topic, as it took me a long time to understand how to retain my modesty while remaining attractive to women.

To sum it up, I consider self-deprecation — or disqualification, as we in Charisma Arts called it — to be like cooking with garlic: tasty if it’s proportioned right, but it’s better to have none than too much. (Mind you, I love the garlic fries served at San Francisco Giants games). And with most of my students, I found it better not to teach disqualification at all.

I don’t find self-deprecation to be inherently attractive or unattractive. But for guys like me, who might hide behind the podium in embarrassment if we ever won the Nobel Peace Prize — most guys who seek social coaching fit this description — the last thing we need to be taught is how to take the piss out of ourselves. Yet this is what most CA bootcamps were teaching when I became an instructor, and you’ll have to pardon me when I brag that I helped eliminate that.

You know which guys disqualification works for best? George Clooney. Brad Pitt. Even Michael Cera. Guys who are already so revered that when they knock themselves down a peg during an interview, it makes them all the more charming.  All I had to do was search “Clooney interview” to find the above self-deprecating clip with David Letterman (though notice how he mixes it up with the last question).

But telling Vinny the Virgin that he should use self-deprecating humor? Not on my watch.

I took some hard knocks with disqualification after learning it in my own bootcamp, where it wasn’t taught to me properly. In the following months, multiple girls were telling me to stop mocking myself or to just accept their compliments. I was committing the same mistake that guys make when they brag about their Porsche: I was trying too hard. I was already modest in my mannerisms, so there was no need to be so in words.

Here’s how I would try to disqualify back then:

Girl: “I love your jacket!”

Me: “Oh, this thing? It’s so old!” OR “Thanks, I just stole it off a homeless guy!” 

These days? I usually just say thanks. Not that those responses are bad for everyone. If an alpha-male type said it, it might work great for him.

That’s why the better you know yourself, the better you can take your personality and augment it with such things as self-deprecation or cockiness. But if you must err with one or the other, I’d rather it be the latter. When women start calling you a player, feel free to self-deprecate.

And if you’re beginning to learn this stuff, you don’t have to fake it until you make it with confidence, because most of you already have made it. You have lots to offer someone, but you just hadn’t noticed. Don’t hide from your strengths — be proud of them.

Those of us who live in the Western world live in a culture where confidence and assertiveness are prized over modesty and passiveness. Yes, people and regions are different, but that’s generally the way it is. I would dare say it’s a big reason why hip-hop has replaced rock as the dominant pop music in America. I have a strong emo-boy side, and I can’t stop listening to this current Robert Smith song. But I can only listen to so many tunes by The Decemberists before my testosterone levels drop, whereas Kanye West, jerk that he is, can always deliver the swagger.

Sometimes that swagger and materialism go too far, but more often hip-hop succeeds because it’s infused with modesty at its core.

One of my favorite rap songs is “Look at Me Now,” by Beanie Sigel. The title brags about his success, but the occasionally humble lyrics show it’s because he came from nothing. His gangster talk isn’t cocky — it’s who he is (indeed, he was in prison when this album was released). As he says, “Mob style for real, this is my lifestyle for real.” Here’s a listen for you:

[display_podcast]

That’s right, I’m leaving the country with a gangsta-rap reference. Keep it real, yo.

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My Nerd Nite PUA presentation

by GK on November 19, 2010 · 5 comments

Nerd Nite SF: Pick-Up Artistry w/ "GK" - 9/23/10 from nerdniteSF on Vimeo.

At long last, I’m posting the video from the Nerd Nite presentation on pickup artistry that I gave in September.

A couple of things about it: It’s 50 minutes long, so if you want to skip ahead to my favorite parts, be sure to watch the role-play skit with Bart and the Q&A toward the end.

And oh yes, the laser pointers. They were given out as a promotion for another presentation we had about lasers. That one had “bad idea” written all over it, and you can see why. But I took it as a compliment that the peanut gallery toned it down as my presentation went on.

So, how did I do?

P.S.: To the girl who asked five questions during the Q&A and approached me afterward asking to get coached by me, I’m still waiting to hear back from you! Call me any time. I’m retired, but all I want for Christmas is to coach one girl.

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The test answers

by GK on November 12, 2010

You can put away your No. 2 pencils. Now that Rob’s given you his answers to my woman test, I’m going to offer my own:

 Question 1: The girl in the park.

Acceptable answers: C or D. You definitely don’t want to keep letting her do what she’s doing, and while there is a time to get tough with a girl, this isn’t one of them. Whether you choose the more direct or humorous route is up to your personality, but you’re going to want to call out those logistical challenges one way or another. I’m confident almost every student I coached in the field, especially the ones who scored instant dates, would tell you this: Logistics will make or break you in day game. 

And although I had no E as an answer (always breaking the rules that guy), Rob’s response about making her laugh is spot on.

The lesson: Women respect guys who respect themselves.

Question 2: The lady with the business card.

Acceptable answers: C. It’s not that B couldn’t work — this woman isn’t necessarily testing the guy intentionally. I’ve had women who were interested in me give me their business cards because it’s simply what they were used to doing. A friend of mine met his eventual wife when she slipped him her business card in the park.

But as Rob said, if you only have her work info, there could be some major logistical challenges in contacting her. What if she goes on a two-week business trip? Bad news for you, buddy.

Get her personal number, and you might get down to your socks later.

And maybe, just maybe, she is testing you intentionally. You’ve been talking at an after-work setting, after all, and she might be used to men chatting her up platonically there. It could be that she wants to know you really are interested in her — otherwise, she might file you as either a future Linked In contact or another gutless guy.

The lesson: As Rob once taught me, women want a sure thing. Here’s your chance to be one.

Question 3: To dine or not to dine?

Acceptable answers: A or B, as well as Rob’s answer that I didn’t include: Simply take her to dinner.

This is one where I differ from Rob a little: I’ve never had a dinner on a first date that wouldn’t have been just as good had we gone for drinks, and it’s tough to find a cheap, date-worthy meal in a city like San Francisco — especially when you’re dating multiple women as I do. And from years of serial dating, I can say there are some girls who agree to a first date because they’re genuinely interested in you, and there are some girls who don’t know what they want, but they may as well get some free food or drinks. I prefer to screen the latter ones out.

On the other hand, of the three serious girlfriends I’ve had, I treated all of them to dinner on a first or second date — including venues they suggested. So take that for what you will.

B is the answer I’d be likeliest to give. I cook a lot, so my usual excuse is that I don’t want my groceries to spoil. I’m OK with A in theory if you’re the direct type, but keep in mind you’re going to turn off some women that way. 

The lesson: Know what you want for a first date so you’re playing by your rules, not hers.

Question 4: The blue-balls dilemma.

Acceptable answers: C.

This is one test I’m usually happy to get, because it means she either wants to have sex or is at least considering it. One thing I’ve often said to “We’re not having sex tonight” is, “I never said anything about having sex.” This is one old David DeAngelo response I actually agree with.

As Rob said, you don’t want to negotiate sex verbally, and you can’t talk a girl into it. But you do want her to know what you want so that she can feel more comfortable with what she wants. I’ve said some varation to answer C and had it work out more than once — sometimes that night, sometimes soon after.

The lesson: Whatever you do, don’t whine or pout when she cuts you off physically. That will get you nowhere.

Question 5: The long walk home.

Acceptable answers: C

I like this test the most because there’s a twist to it, and in this case, I was the friend the girl was referring to at the Halloween party. 

The thing is, she knew she wasn’t going to go home with the guy that night, but she wanted him to try to walk her home anyway. That would make him worth seeing another time, and the guy did pass the test.

A little quirky? Yes, but that’s the kind of thing women do. Of course, other girls in that situation will go home with the guy if he leads — and handles the logistical issue of her friend — so the answer is the same regardless.

And please, please don’t ask her if she’s trying to have sex with you — I’ve heard of coaches who actually teach that. Ugh.

The lesson: Good things happen to guys who close.

You know, I rather enjoyed wearing my professor’s jacket. I’m going to break it out again and give you guys some more tests another time.

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