dR and I return for this episode of the Justice League Podcast, in which we tackle two more hot topics: whether a guy’s looks really matter with women, and the issue of technique vs. personality in meeting women.

Among the nuggets of wisdom we offer: my fool-proof way to land hot women no matter how you look, and what sticking points we overcame on the road to being bad-ass instructors.

dR podcast, Part II

My next podcast will be with fellow Charisma Arts instructor Greg (the other Greg), and we’ll discuss how to get into a long-term relationship. So stay tuned.

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On being alone

by GK on May 4, 2009 · 3 comments

I hope you enjoyed my first podcast with dR, and our discussion/debate about whether to hook up with women who don’t meet our standards. I thought dR made some great points about why it’s OK — especially for guys who are having little to no sex.

One factor that I didn’t elaborate on is about being alone, and the virtue of being OK with it. I find it ironic to make the case for not hooking up with women, since I’m teaching the opposite of that — and to great effect, I might add. Also, let’s just say I’ve been indulging my queue of women a lot more than my Netflix queue lately (I’m still waiting to watch “The Wrestler”).

But just as it takes confidence to approach and escalate with an attractive woman, I think it takes some cojones to walk away from a woman who isn’t cutting it. Perhaps being an introverted only child has helped me in that regard, but I like a hiatus now and then. It also makes me that much more eager — and more successful — when a woman I like crosses my path.

So sure, go for the slumpbuster or so-so girl if you’re rusty. But also, believe in yourself enough to hold out for someone who does turn you on, regardless of whether she’s a 6 or a 10 (whatever those ratings mean). One of my favorite writers, Charles Bukowski, said it well:

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
too late.

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I just finished up a fun two-part podcast with my fellow initialed Charisma Arts instructor, dR of Los Angeles.  And true to our geeky nature, we’ve dubbed it the Justice League podcast. Don’t expect any references to Solomon Grundy, though.

For the first podcast, we gave our different takes on the issue of whether to hook up with women who don’t meet our standards. I’ll be posting Part II in a day or two. Enjoy!

dR podcast, Part I

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My bachelor pad playlist

by GK on May 2, 2009 · 3 comments

If reincarnation does exist, I want to come back as a DJ. I spend more time than I can count digging through Web sites in search of the hot new band or track, and I’m also passionate about my old favorites. And if I’ve got a woman over, I enjoy sharing my collection.

For those of you in search of some bachelor pad date music that doesn’t include Barry White or R Kelly, I present to you GK’s Apartment Jamz, Volume 1. These are current songs I’ve been playing lately (mostly of the indie dance variety), and they’re quite conducive to setting the mood if you have company. I recommend playing these in the order I’ve provided, as the songs slow down toward the end:

The Juan Maclean — Happy House — Simply an amazing house song. At 12 1/2 minutes, it’s too short.

The-Dream — Walkin on the Moon (featuring Kanye West)

The Whitest Boy Alive — Burning — I’m thinking of changing my stage name to this guy’s.

Ladyhawke — Oh My

Friendly Fires — Paris (Aeroplane remix) — I rarely like the remix more than the original, but this one turns an already fun party song into a sexy classic.

M83 — Kim and Jessie — If you want some consistently good downtempo music, it’s tough to beat M83.

Gang Gang Dance — House Jam

Radiohead — Weird Fishes

Azeda Booth — Big Fists

The Juan Maclean — Tonight

M83 — Skin of the Night — You two really shouldn’t be listening by this point.

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It’s not you … it’s her

by GK on April 29, 2009 · 9 comments

I’ve been through some experiences with women lately that reinforced my thoughts on this whole picking-up-women thing, and what defines a successful or failed interaction.

The old mentality, the one pushed on me when I was first reading about this stuff, was that I bore the obligation of closing the deal with a girl, and that if I didn’t, I did something wrong. “She ignored you and went back to her friends? You just didn’t game her well enough.” The chemistry between us, and whether she was even my type, was irrelevant — if I didn’t hook up with her, my “score” wouldn’t go up, and that was how pickup artists defined their worth, right?

Maybe back then, when I was too hesitant to escalate with a woman, this kind of talk had its place. Now I know better, though, and I’m not looking to be a pickup artist anyway. My night isn’t a success or failure based on how many numbers or hookups I had, and walking away from a woman can be the best result.

A while back, I was talking to this woman at a  “Date My Friend” event in San Francisco — it’s basically a bar with only single people — and about 10 minutes in I made a sexually suggestive comment to her. I don’t remember what it was, but it wasn’t that dirty, and it was indicative of my bawdy humor. The kind of woman I’m into would have laughed at it.

But guess what? She didn’t, and she told me I shouldn’t “be sexual” with a woman until it was time for sex. Well, that may be kosher for her kind of guy — if he exists — but it ain’t for me. So I saved myself some time and told her good night. I remember the surprised look on her face as I walked away, too.

More recently, I’ve also had women I wasn’t that into either stop dating me or walk away from me when I was playing wingman for a friend. Faking interest is one of the toughest things for me, but I’m glad it is. I can save my time for more worthwhile things, such as women I am attracted to, and basketball.

Now, I don’t mean you should walk away from girls as a copout for not taking chances with them. At some point, the burden of escalation does belong to you. But don’t be surprised if the women you hook up with are the ones you actually are compatible with. It’s worked out that way for me, and I’m comforted by that.

I’ll be riffing on this topic more in posts and podcasts to come.

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I’m usually not into providing instant dating recaps, but considering my last post, I thought this was too funny.

So tonight I had Date No. 1 with the hottie I was introduced to at the party four nights earlier. I had e-mailed the guy who introduced us, thanking him for it and suggesting we talk soon to discuss his magazine. I found it odd that he didn’t respond, and after the girl told me the details tonight, now I know why.

It turns out that even though he repeatedly told me he was just friends with her and that she was fair game for me, he was in fact jealous. When he said he needed to leave the party and asked her if she wanted to stay with me, he was actually just trying to get her away from me and presumed she’d leave with him. I guess he underestimated me. What is it with me and jealous friends lately?

Anyway, our date went well tonight — she didn’t tell him she was seeing me, which is good because he spent happy hour with her — and we plan to meet again next weekend. But the moral of the story is this: be good to your gatekeepers, but beware of them as well.

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Be good to your gatekeepers

by GK on April 7, 2009 · 4 comments

I consider socializing to be an intimate dance between selfishness and altruism. I may be a social coach, but I’m also an introvert — yes, the two can coexist — and I’m not at a party to talk to everyone in the room or make them feel warm and fuzzy. I can be quite content just keeping to my friends and flirting with the occasional cutie. However, making friends is often a byproduct of what I do in the pursuit of fun, and it comes with some great rewards. Especially when it comes to the ladies.

Two nights ago, I arrived alone at a private party on the rooftop of a downtown San Francisco apartment. I left with a hot woman in high heels on my arm, and that was made possible simply by being friendly with the right people.

Who you gonna call?

Who you gonna call? Gatekeepers!

Last week, my buddies and I chatted up the bartender at my local nightspot — I’m chummy with much of the staff there — and I got a kick out of learning about the guy. He models, as it turns out, and he has access to an inordinate amount of attractive women. This, class, is what we call a gatekeeper. No, not like Sigourney Weaver in “Ghostbusters.” I’m talking about people who can expand your social circle in a big way.

My new bartender friend invited us to a party where he’d be working. As it turned out, they couldn’t go, and I had some butterflies about going solo because I knew none of the guests. Indeed, soon after I entered I approached a stylish-looking pair of girls, only to find they’d left their friendliness at home, and they shot me down in two minutes. I had entered the Forbidden City that George Costanza talked about, but I was still a stranger.

But as I stepped out to the rooftop and took in the unusually balmy San Francisco air, I saw the opportunity for fun. And to win friends, I had to be a friend. So I parked myself in a busy area and struck up a conversation with the guy standing next to me. As it turned out, he was starting an online magazine and was looking for contributors — so I was in luck already. We were getting along well.

Then he introduced me to the lovely brunette he came with — “we’re just friends,” he made sure to point out — and he invited me to flirt away with her. Now I’d met another gatekeeper. And I was in.

She and I took turns dancing and getting to know each other, and before long the guy had to get going. But he asked the girl if she wanted to stay with me, and she said yes.  We had a fun little insta-date, and I ended up walking her home. We’ll be meeting again. And you can believe I made sure to thank the bartender that night for inviting me. I also thanked the host and asked to be invited to future parties.

You don’t have to meet bartenders of trendy nightspots to find gatekeepers. They can be the leaders of activity groups, or the staff at a clothing store, or just someone with a lot of friends. But do find them if you want more social access, and cultivate friendships with them. Before long, YOU will be the gatekeeper.

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I’m just putting this out there, because I don’t know how long it will last: If you’re single and live in the Bay Area and you haven’t been to the California Academy of Sciences on Thursday nights, I highly recommend you do so.

San Francisco plays host to some other decent museum nights — I’ve had fun at the SF Moma on Thursdays and the De Young on Fridays — but NightLife is a pickup opportunity of a different order — and it works just as well if you have a date. It’s as if a mad scientist fused the best traits of day game and night game and mixed them into one. And judging from the way it’s selling out every week, I’m sure other people have noticed that too.

If the girl you meet is unfriendly, just send her to this guy.

If the girl you meet is unfriendly, just send her to him.

I must say I’d never walked around animal exhibits while drinking beer and brushing up against hot women in nightgowns — at first I felt awkward about it, but then I thought it made perfect sense. This is evolution! I wouldn’t be surprised if the local nightclubs started importing a tidepool and white alligator pit to loosen up the patrons.

As packed as the place was, we found plenty of opportunities for quiet conversation — I met a suspiciously cute and friendly brunette who loves to cook, and we’re already talking about having a cook-off together (she hasn’t made crab cakes yet). Kudos to my buddy for sending her my way after she said she’s interested in journalism. Great wingmen are hard to find.

Later, I entertained myself with the DJ area — the Popscene guy was playing just the kind of indie rock I’m into, and my buddy and I put on a little dancing exhibition. Actually, this attracted one species I didn’t account for — the San Francisco Cougar — and I had a hard time fending them off. I’ll keep that in mind for next time.

One word of caution: buy your tickets ahead of time, and get there early, because the lines are unlike anything I’ve seen at a Bay Area nightclub. But this place definitely gets an A rating from me. If you don’t live in the Bay Area, I suggest looking up your local museums to find something similar. When the crowd is good, I think it beats the pants off going to most night venues.

I’ll be looking to review more San Francisco pickup and dating spots, so stay tuned.

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