I’ve been through some experiences with women lately that reinforced my thoughts on this whole picking-up-women thing, and what defines a successful or failed interaction.
The old mentality, the one pushed on me when I was first reading about this stuff, was that I bore the obligation of closing the deal with a girl, and that if I didn’t, I did something wrong. “She ignored you and went back to her friends? You just didn’t game her well enough.” The chemistry between us, and whether she was even my type, was irrelevant — if I didn’t hook up with her, my “score” wouldn’t go up, and that was how pickup artists defined their worth, right?
Maybe back then, when I was too hesitant to escalate with a woman, this kind of talk had its place. Now I know better, though, and I’m not looking to be a pickup artist anyway. My night isn’t a success or failure based on how many numbers or hookups I had, and walking away from a woman can be the best result.
A while back, I was talking to this woman at a “Date My Friend” event in San Francisco — it’s basically a bar with only single people — and about 10 minutes in I made a sexually suggestive comment to her. I don’t remember what it was, but it wasn’t that dirty, and it was indicative of my bawdy humor. The kind of woman I’m into would have laughed at it.
But guess what? She didn’t, and she told me I shouldn’t “be sexual” with a woman until it was time for sex. Well, that may be kosher for her kind of guy — if he exists — but it ain’t for me. So I saved myself some time and told her good night. I remember the surprised look on her face as I walked away, too.
More recently, I’ve also had women I wasn’t that into either stop dating me or walk away from me when I was playing wingman for a friend. Faking interest is one of the toughest things for me, but I’m glad it is. I can save my time for more worthwhile things, such as women I am attracted to, and basketball.
Now, I don’t mean you should walk away from girls as a copout for not taking chances with them. At some point, the burden of escalation does belong to you. But don’t be surprised if the women you hook up with are the ones you actually are compatible with. It’s worked out that way for me, and I’m comforted by that.
I’ll be riffing on this topic more in posts and podcasts to come.