Podcast with Rob: Pros, Cons of Female Friends

by GK on February 2, 2011 · 13 comments

I’ve had female friends most of my life and currently hang out with a gaggle of them. Rob Overman has had one female friend his entire life and considers them a waste of time.

We thought this would be a great subject for a podcast, and we spent the better part of an hour debating it. Ultimately, I don’t think there’s any right answer for every guy — it’s just whatever feels right to you. I’ve had some very fulfilling platonic friendships with women, and the sexual tension that may linger in them is no big deal to me. But if you’re like Rob and don’t want to deal with that crap, that’s fine too.

You’ll hear us discuss the following:

  • How Rob’s wife is already betraying him.
  • A tribute to Dirk Manley, who should have been part of this podcast.
  • The benefits to being friends with girls, as well as the dangers.
  • Why it’s better to meet women when I’m hanging out with guys.
  • An invitation for guys to contact us if you’d be interested in a call-in podcast.

You can play the whole podcast here, but we recommend you download this so you can listen to it anywhere.

Rob and I have more podcast collaborations in the works, so stay tuned for some madcap fun.

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{ 13 comments }

1 Pieter February 8, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Awesome podcast, thanks so much GK and Rob!

I don’t think there is a definite answer on this: being friends with women or not… i just go with the flow and see how it goes. But personally, if i really have feelings for a girl, i agree it’s totally impossible to be “just friends”, it’s just completely painful for your self confidence .

About the being “friends before lovers”, i have seen examples of people who were first friends before turning into a couple, so i have to say i disagree with you saying this never works out. But i agree it’s a minority, though.

Anyway, keep up the great work guys, really cool stuff! It’s a bit sad there’s no comments yet here, but i think many other people will agree with me on this.

Oh and by the way Rob, great to see you back! You might remember me from before you disappeared from the planet, i was one of your ‘interns’ back in the days, and i corrected the spelling mistakes from the newsletters 😀 Really, nice to hear back from you. I remember back in the days i used to take your advise like “this is the truth and must be nothing but the truth, since Rob wrote it!”, and it’s funny to now hear your advise and have things i agree on, and things i disagree on.

Thanks again both of you!

Pieter

2 rob February 9, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Hi Pieter! Of course I remember you and it’s good to hear from you as well. Although I’m sad to hear that my word is no longer scripture :) , I appreciate you dropping by and leaving a comment. Since you mentioned that you know people who were friends first and then started dating (thereby implying that it is possible), how do you know that there was no tension to begin with? My whole thesis statement of the podcast is that if there is tension between a guy and a girl then it is not friendship, it’s flirting that’s just going very slow. But maybe at that point it’s just semantics. “We’re friends” vs “She’s a girl I haven’t slept with yet” Who cares, right?

3 scn February 10, 2011 at 6:26 am

I agree with one of the comments that it’s almost a matter of semantics around how “friend” is defined. Takeaway I got was both GK and Rob advocate always maintaining an actual or potential sexual vibe in relationships with girls.

Side note, as grateful as I am that Rob and GK took the time to do this podcast, I would like to humbly suggest keeping future podcasts more focused on content and the topic of discussion. In this podcast I feel I got TMI about Rob’s marriage and personal relationship with his wife.

4 godfather February 10, 2011 at 10:34 am

Nice podcast guys, thanks a lot !! I’m sure most of us have been in a situation trying to create friendship first with a girl we like and not taking it farther hopping something is going to happen magically… and at the end @#$%^!&*%!!
So I’ll give you an idea for the next one….we all remember you mentioned at your first podcast about the logistic book… I felt sad when Greg told us that Robs computer destroyed it after a PC format. Logistics is a basic factor on pickup and dating, even though usually we don’t give much attention on it and if something goes bad, rarely checking if the logistics where wrong, trying to find problems in other facts(attraction, value(!), etc) . I remember Rob was one of the few guys insisting at the logistics and how to manage it and Greg, I also remember some of your post at the old CA forum. Hopping guys you’ll give us your lights at your next podcast discussing about what was in the logistic book and give us some of your thoughts about this basic element of dating.
I admit that this is one of my weak point :)
Thanks again

5 GK February 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I really appreciate it.

SCN: It’s a funny thing with my female friends, because the sexual vibe is always going to be there whether we want it or not. It’s sort of like gasoline being poured on a bunch of wood (no pun intended). She and I just choose not to light the match.

I’ll definitely keep in mind your suggestion about keeping podcasts more focused. Rob and I have been talking about having more fun with our podcasts so we’re not just lecturing you guys, but I also respect that you don’t have all day to listen to those things.

Godfather: I can assure you that Rob and I have not forgotten about the limitless power of logistics, and we have big plans for discussing them. Stay tuned.

6 scn February 11, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I like the gasoline and match analogy.

After building the right foundation with one new female friend, I recently told her over cocktails casually and candidly that I’d enjoy having sex with her. I said it as just an idle personal reflection without any expectations. She responded with equal candor kicking off a very cool, completely honest discussion where we mused together around how she felt about it.

At this point I feel free to not worry about hiding my sexual attraction to her when we hang out as friends as long as I’m chill about it. I’ll continue to slowly dribble gasoline on the wood, as a man should. She can light the match or not any time she wishes with no pressure or expectation from me to do so. Works for me.

7 rob February 11, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Saweeeeet!! So what’s the waiting for? Is there something keeping you two from getting together right now?

8 scn February 11, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Oh, thanks for the interest! She’s the holdup – she’s conflicted. She pointed out how what she and I are each looking for in other people and a relationship are mismatched in key areas. I agreed. She also pointed out she can get sex from most any guy any time. I agreed. I even reminded her of a few other reasons it could be bad for her to sleep with me. All the while remaining unwavering about my desire to sleep with her. :)

9 godfather February 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

A good old post from dirk manley on this subject
http://beingmanley.blogspot.com/2009/08/female-friends.html

10 rob February 13, 2011 at 5:25 pm

@ scn: vry inneresting…maybe that’s why i don’t think men and women can be friends, there’s always something else going on.

@ godfather: leave it to Dirk to sum it up so succinctly. In his last email he wrote this: “I’m neutral about female friends. I’ve had them and we’ve almost always had sex. Likewise, they just weren’t as close as my guy friends if there was no sex, so it’d be hard to call them true platonic friends.”

11 scn February 14, 2011 at 6:20 am

I just discovered Dirk’s blog and am thrilled with the caliber of the content. Such insight. I’m going to read through all his old stuff. What a loss.

12 Evan February 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I haven’t found that sexual tension and friendship are mutually exclusive. I’ve settled that question for myself.

However, I am interested in whether or not female friends help you to meet other girls. From my own experience I’d say yes, but there seem to be drawbacks as well. You touched on it during the podcast, but a deeper discussion would be great.

13 GK February 14, 2011 at 12:42 pm

That’s a great question, Evan. There’s enough material there for a separate post in itself.

CAN female friends help you meet girls? Sure. But it’s for a lot of the same reasons that having the right male friends can help you meet girls. When my best guy friend and I hang out, we’re having so much fun that girls get attracted to that.

Having fun female friends can have much the same effect, but in my experience they’re not going to actively help me the way that a good wingman would. And it can even intimidate some girls into NOT approaching me when they otherwise would have. So I actually meet more girls with my best male friends than I do with girls.

Also, if it’s just you and one female friend hanging out, she may feel left out if you leave her to party with another chick all night. So there’s that deterrent as well.

In a more indirect sense, I think every guy should hang out with a girl just to witness how other guys deal with them, often badly, and to see how women think about meeting guys. It can be very educational.

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