Sucker moves to avoid when dating women

by GK on May 22, 2012 · 5 comments

Even though I’m having a little fun by calling them sucker moves, I want to be clear: this post is NOT about passing shit tests. It’s not about communicating your Alpha-ness, it’s not about gaining the upper hand with women, and it’s not about winners and losers.

It’s tempting to think in those terms when we’ve been burned by women. Nobody wants to play the fool (even though there’s a great song about it). We would rather win than lose.

It’s just that with enough experience in this game, a man reaches a there-is-no-spoon realization: As long as you spend your time only on women who treat you with common courtesy, and you call out those who don’t, you can’t lose, no matter the result.

And while that may sound a little new-agey, there is also the very practical fact that you’ll get more women — and better ones — this way. Because they’re more likely to respect you if you respect yourself.

Here are a few examples of bad behavior you shouldn’t let women get away with when you’re first going out with them. They’ll help you screen out the good ones from the bad and guarantee you’ll be a playa, not a sucka:

The only time she can see you is while she’s out with her friends: You wouldn’t like it if you booked a five-star hotel and found out it was a hostel, would you? So beware of this logistical bait and switch.

Her friends might be funnier than the cast of “Bridesmaids,” and I might enjoy meeting them. But that’s not the objective here. On a first or second date, I want some one-on-one time to see what she’s about and possibly enjoy some physical rewards if we get along well.

All of this becomes much tougher with her friends distracting her, and usually the kind of girl who would put you in that awkward spot is someone who is socially inept or not taking you seriously. If I wanted to be treated like a secondary friend, I’d go on Facebook.

The smart move: One girl tried this with me after I’d patiently attempted to see her a second time. When I told her why meeting her at a club with her friends wasn’t a good idea, she texted, “Good job of calling me out!” I didn’t end up seeing her again, but that’s the point, isn’t it?

(Parenthetical note: I also apply this sucker move to girls who you’ve already gone out with but are only willing to see you again during day hours or at a venue that isn’t near either of your homes, assuring that nothing sexual can happen.)

She picks out a restaurant and expects you to pay: It’s cliche by now in the advice-giving world that guys shouldn’t take women out to dinner early on. I happen to agree with that cliche, unless you actually enjoy taking women out to restaurants you like and you don’t mind paying. And some women do offer in advance to pay, which is cool too.

Just understand that when a woman suggests dinner, or even drinks, and still expects you to pay for all of it, you might as well just let her reach into your pants and extract your wallet and testicles. Because she already owns them.

The smart move: I cook most of my dinners anyway, so on the rare cases where this comes up, I’ll simply say I have food I need to eat before it spoils, and I’ll make a counter-offer. If she’s interested in me and not the pan-seared halibut, she’ll go along with it.

Even you need to put the phone away, Charlize

You’re out with her and she won’t put her phone down: This one is becoming an epidemic in the pickup/dating world and needs to be treated as such. I’m as hooked on my iPhone as the next person, but if a woman really can’t stick her phone in her purse for an hour without reaching for it reflexively, she doesn’t need a drink. She needs some Ritalin.

The smart move: Don’t get angry or lecture her about it, but do call out her faux pas. Perhaps joke that you’ll confiscate her phone if she doesn’t put it away. Only a clueless or rude woman won’t feel guilty once you’ve done this. And at that point you can pick up your phone and call her a cab.

Letting her flake twice in a row: It’s tempting to be stricter and write her off after she cancels once. I find flakes to be like cockroaches in an apartment: where there’s one, there are probably others. Almost all of my best experiences have been with women who never flaked.

However, sometimes women will have legitimate excuses, just as I’ve had to occasionally cancel for being sick or facing some emergency. So a single-flake with an apology is fine. But to double-flake is simply disrespectful of my time, and I’d rather waste it by watching “Tree of Life.”

The smart move: Tre Tre dealt with this very well a while back. After a girl flaked on him a second time for no good reason at the last minute, he responded with a friendly text letting her know that his time is precious and that he couldn’t let her mess up his plans again, but that maybe he’d run into her sometime at the bar where they met. Of course, she reacted by practically banging down his door for a date, but Tre still refused. He could see the drama that would have awaited.

She rejects your ideas for where to go, without a good reason: I’ve had very few bad dates in my illustrious career, but a classic first date involved this girl who, as it turned out, would only drink Champagne … as in, it had to be from the Champagne region of France. She practically threw a fit at the first bar because they didn’t have it, and she turned down my ideas for other venues for the same reason.

This is an extreme example, but I find that if a woman repeatedly says no to a guy’s ideas and doesn’t offer a good one of her own, this doesn’t bode well for how well-adjusted she’s going to be.

The smart move: It took me longer than it would now because I was still inexperienced, but later that night I told her she seemed more interested in the Champagne than me, and I practically jumped out of the cab we were in. Standing up for yourself is sweeter than any bubbly drink.

{ 5 comments }

1 RobAnthony May 30, 2012 at 11:48 am

Oh lord, the cellphones!

I was out with a girl who wouldn’t leave it be. I was giving hints at my annoyance, I could have been more clear in retrospect (it seemed painfully obvious at the time), then I made sure to spell it out pretty bluntly at the end of the night. That was lame enough to be a thorough lesson. I remember seeing her cell light up with a txt, stopping what I was saying mid-sentence and just watching to see if she’d pick it up or even notice I’d gone silent. After a moment, straight to the phone, lol!

But I wonder about cellphone etitquette sometimes. I think it’s alright to check and reply to txts from time to time, but somewhere there’s a line. I will ignore my phone for the most part, but sometimes when there’s a lull in the conversation I might say “I’m just gonna quickly check my phone, it’s been shaking”.

I was once sitting at a table with 6 others who were all staring into their phones. It was part spooky and part hilarious.

2 GK May 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Thanks for the comment, RobAnthony! At a certain point on a date like that, when she’s clearly blown it, I think it’s OK to start offering her an ADD test. Maybe ask her if she can complete the alphabet without losing her train of thought. But I can be cruel like that. :)

I know, cell phone etiquette is evolving as we all depend on smartphones so much. I can’t help but check texts when I’m out with friends, and I have friends who need to check their phones for work reasons. Even on dates, exceptions can be made if there’s an emergency or a mutual benefit to checking your phone — such as to settle a bet.

But really, what could possibly be more interesting? Flirting with and getting to know the inner workings of this person who has committed an hour of their time to see you, or your buddy’s Instagram photo of a hot dog? And you’re right, people don’t realize how lame they look staring at their phones, especially with other people around. Call me old school.

3 RobAnthony June 5, 2012 at 8:05 am

Hahah! Yes, I swear our society encourages ADD. She was a bit upset that I got upset, but DID apologize later and when we saw each other again it wasn’t an issue.

An old fellow was telling me the other day how rude he finds it to bring a phone out to a dinner at all. I thought he was being a bit of the old fuddy duddy hearkening to the time when people had to do things like plan ahead, heh. But there are many times when the damn phone won’t stop bothering me, and I’m thinking it WOULD be a better idea to just leave it in the car. Not hearing the ring is one step better than ignoring it.

Rereading your article, I think it can also be like a checklist for a girl who’s worth keeping around. I really appreciate that the girl I’m seeing right now has done none of the above!

4 morten June 23, 2012 at 6:39 am

What amaze me is why not put the smartphone on silent mode? Why are there people at restaurants or cinema’s speaking on the phone or letting it ring with sound on.. or texting. Why can these people not be bothered to at least use the silent mode.
Another thing i find very weird – Are the same people the Us President because otherwise nothing can be so important, that you need to be able to speak on your phone at these places … why go there in the first place then? (yes somebody can be sick or else, but then be with them instead)
It is lack of respect to other people in my opinion.

5 gnome August 13, 2012 at 7:22 am

No, the caller/text msg may not be from the President, but it could be from the sitter or family. On the rare occassion that I go to dinner or on a date, the phone will be on silent or vibrate. It will also be left on the table. That way I can glance to see if it is the sitter or one of my children. I also mention it at the beginning. If a guy isn’t okay with it, then he shouldnt date single mothers. Asking if it is okay in the beginning will also determine the length of the date.

In the old days one left an itinerary and a list of phone numbers of restaurants and theaters, etc

As for flaking, it has been done to me many times. Usually a guy us double booked and there isn’t a second chance.

I will cancel because of something with my children, or an actual emergency of some kind.

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