Why you Shouldn’t Go on Dates if you Want a Girlfriend (guest post)

by GK on April 25, 2012 · 21 comments

I almost always decline offers to guest-post on my blog, usually because the writers are either too sleazy, too inexperienced or simply too unskilled. That’s right, Simon Cowell has nothing on me when it comes to being harsh on talent.

But from reading his growing catalog of articles, I actually like what this kid has to say. And especially because he’s giving, not selling his advice, I’m happy to share some of his thoughts with you.

His name is Alex Matlock, he lives in London, and he’s both a gentleman and a scholar — he’s been enjoying the life of a ladies’ man while pursuing his Ph.D in social psychology. His focus is on male-female relationships.

As we know, dating gets expensive for a guy, and a small number of women will exploit men for their money by dating them. Here’s Alex’s take on how to screen out the right women:

(This is a guest post by Alex Matlock, an expert in “dating” and woman psychology)

I approached Greg a couple of days ago and asked about a guest post on his blog. He replied that he liked my articles, but he wanted to see some more information about my philosophy on NOT dating.

I’ll be very honest here because there’s no other way to put this. Dates should be an exclusive privilege to girls that actually deserve it. Their worth is established by a number of things:

1.       She is having sex with you.

2.       The sex is good.

3.       You have feelings for her.

4.       She’s interested in you, not your money/friends/influence etc.

When a girl ticks all of these points, you can take her out on dates as she now deserves it.

leia han solo dating

Did Han take Leia on a date? Absolutely not.

So, let’s see why you shouldn’t take them on dates and what to do instead:

The most important reason would be the fact that EVERYONE else takes her on dates. How are you any different from all the other douchebags that are buying her dinner/drinks/whatever?

Exactly, you’re not different.

I’ve met many girls who kept going on dates because some guy was paying for her dinner or buying her drinks. I’m sure you have at least one female friend that exploits a guy. Don’t be him — show her that you’re different, and show her that from the start.

The other reason would be money … why should you spend 50 pounds (here in the UK) on a dinner date when you won’t even know if she’s going to have sex with you? We all know that taking her out and paying for dinner doesn’t necessarily result in sex … it all bows down to how you make her feel.

So then I ask you: Why should you buy her dinner to make her feel good when you could choose any other activity?

You might ask, “But girls want to go on dates, so how do we get around that?” It’s very simple, you don’t go on dates — you get together!

Call her up/text her/send her an email and tell her you want to get together. She might think it’s a date or whatever she wants to think, but you don’t care because you know exactly what’s going to happen. When you ask her to “get together” rather than ask her out on a date, it increase her positive response rate for two very important reasons: it’s different and she’s not obligated to do anything since it’s not a date.

In these circumstances, there’s no pressure. If there’s no pressure, she’s more likely to feel good and if she feels good, you’ve got her!

So, what sort of activities fall into get togethers?

Some examples of what I’m talking about:

  • Take her out for a walk in the park: To this day this is one of my favorite activities. You walk around the park, talk, make her feel good, even grab an ice cream/coffee from the closest shop (don’t pay for her). There’s absolutely no pressure on this activity and that instantly loosens her up.
  • Rent bikes and go cycling together.
  • Do sports together.
  • Take her to free events: Your location is probably full of them. Do a Google search and find out. Not only will you be cost free on this but you will also be doing something she’s probably never done before. These are things like art galleries, amateur theatre, live bands, etc. She will enjoy this more than you can imagine.

(Side note: Always end whatever it is that you’re doing before she does. If you end it while she’s feeling good, she had a good time. If you let it drag on until she ends it (when she’s no longer feeling good), she’ll have a bitter taste in her mouth and it’s all downhill from there.)

Make her part of your world: This is another one of my favorites. This is actually how you can make a girl fall in love with you. It’s a simple process that many of us men do without realizing, but here are the details.

After you do a couple of the activities above, it’s probably a good time to have sex with her. It should work, and usually works if you kept her feeling good. With that sorted, it’s time to make her part of your world.

This is so good, I’m getting exited writing about it. Bear in mind you never took her on a date yet, and make sure you take her to your place when you have sex.

Now that you’ve finished (sex), you can either throw her out of your house or, let her stay the night.

What I usually do is give her a pair of my boxers and a T-shirt and get her into the living room. I’ve got some wine and a nice shaggy white carpet we can sit on. I put a movie in, let’s say “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” and we sit there talking and watching.

You tell me, what girl doesn’t want to sit on a white shaggy carpet drinking wine while watching “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”? I’ve got some cool roommates too (all girls), so they sometimes hang with us.

What I’m doing here is making her part of my world. These are things she does with me that she will never have the chance to do with anyone else.

If she stays the night, even better, she’ll be part of my world in the morning. I wake up and, because I eat “healthy,” I cook eggs and bacon. Guess what? She gets the same; she’s literally experiencing part of my life. Girls die for stuff like this, and they just might fall in love with you as a result.

It gets even better. If I’ve got stuff to do and she’s got the day off, I take her with me. I nicely ask her to come with me to the car parts store to buy a new bulb for my car, we have a nice drive, we talk, we get the bulb, have a coffee somewhere and then I take her home.

And do you know the good part? I’ve never been on a date with this girl.

Actually, do you know the best part? Next time I want to see her, I just ask her if she wants to come to my place and because she had such a nice time…she WANTS to!

OK, so maybe I took this whole thing too far, but you must get the idea. Dates are bad, and I’ve just proved that NOT going on a date with a girl will actually make her fall in love with you.

This is the sort of mentality I discuss on my blog and in the free eBook I give out.  If you want to increase your success with women visit The Player Guide — a place where the “dating” mindset is thrown out the window in favor of more direct (and fruitful) methods of meeting and seducing women.

{ 21 comments }

1 Anonymous April 27, 2012 at 10:39 pm

You walk around the park, talk, make her feel good, even grab an ice cream/coffee from the closest shop (don’t pay for her).

How do you prevent this from being awkward? Dont they usually expect you to pay?

2 Alex Matlock April 28, 2012 at 4:21 am

That’s exactly the problem…men have been doing this sort of thing for so long that most women expect you to pay for them.

Why would you pay? Just pretend like you don’t care, allow her to go in front of you to buy first and don’t offer to pay, than buy for yourself. Then give her a few seconds to understand what’s going on…

They usually expect to pay on dates, but this isn’t a date so she shouldn’t expect anything.

As for the awkward…why do you think it would be awkward? If you keep her entertained, talking etc like I mentioned above it will never get awkward. The only thing that is awkward is SILENCE.

If you let it go silent and the more you wait to open your mouth, the more awkward it becomes.

Hope it helps,
Alex

3 GK April 28, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Just my two cents: many a man has gotten laid or found a girlfriend by paying for dinner or drinks. I know I have. So it’s not like paying and success are mutually exclusive.

But I do like Alex’s philosophy that any kind of “serious” date is reserved for women you’ve already had some kind of connection with. That saves time, money and sexual frustration. Walking in the park or going biking is still a date in my book if you’ve shown any interest, but the expectations are clearly different.

4 Anonymous April 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm

How many of these get togethers do you usually go on before it leads to sex. Since most of these get togethers are during the day how do you usually make sex happen.

5 Alex Matlock April 29, 2012 at 7:55 am

It depends, sometimes I actually had sex during the day… but I agree that’s not often. You can just say come round mines from the park to watch a movie…

It really depends on your game, some girls 2 , most girls after 3. Usually they’ll let it go after 3-4 because they don’t want to be called sluts because their giving it too quickly.

But like I said, you can go to art galleries etc and those are during the night.

Also you can always be out with your friends (bar, club) and tell her to join you with her friends. That’s another form of getting together.

6 Nick April 29, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Definitely agree. I thoroughly enjoy going on “real dates” because I love a good meal and feel comfortable creating a sexual atmosphere within them. But, I’ve also had tons of causal, cheap (or free) get togethers that worked equally as well.

Especially if you’re more inexperienced, the latter route helps encourage a fun vibe, cuts costs, and makes physical contact less stressful. Excellent post Alex.

7 scn May 4, 2012 at 8:11 am

Great article. Like the idea of spending money on her only after sex and feelings so there is a substantial mutuality already established. Like the idea of making her a part of your world as entertainment and engagement. “…it all bows down to how you make her feel…” – so true.

However by not asking her on a declared date, I think a guy gives up a powerful tool. The act of him directly proposing a date and her accepting orients her emotions, expectations, and behaviors in the right direction.

Without that, the guy’s intent can feel ambiguous. She may be confused or show up to the event in a purely platonic state. This is a higher-risk approach that ratchets up the paramountcy of the guy’s skill at making her feel attracted to him without any help from her.

At minimum, I would be sure to make several plain statements of sexual/romantic interest before inviting her on a not-a-date.

8 Sal May 5, 2012 at 6:29 pm

This is just my personal experience, but I found that making statements of sexual/romantic interest never worked for me. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve freaked out by doing that.

My success went up DRAMATICALLY once I stopped asking girls I barely knew on dates and instead suggested low pressure meetups to do things that were to do things of mutual interest.

To me, a date/meetup should be an opportunity for a girl to test drive me in a low-pressure environment. My lifestyle and character (and all the hard work I’ve put into it) does all the talking on these meet ups.

Honestly, it takes me a few months from initially meeting a girl to getting her in the sack. I’ve learned the hard way that patience is the name of the game. It’s all about playing it very slow, and I find that asking her out on a date or declaring my interest irreversibly ruins that dynamic. I’ll add that I never, ever cold approach — I don’t do day game or night game. Your experience might be different.

Granted, if I had to choose words to describe the girls I go for, they would be: reserved, private, conservative, responsible, intelligent, girly girl, idealistic, sex with a new partner is an important life event, values family very deeply, and attractive. In other words, sleeping with someone new is a very big deal to them, and they usually want an opportunity to test a guy over a period of weeks, if not months, to determine if he’s the real deal.

I don’t know what kinds of girls the other guys who post here go for, so results may vary. Generally, however, I had spotty results when I boldly declared my interest or took girls on dates early on. I agree with a lot of what the author has written here.

9 GK May 6, 2012 at 12:35 am

Hey Sal, I’m glad that the low-pressure meetups have worked better for you. I do wonder, though, what kind of statements of interest you were making to girls. I’ve said many times that I dislike the old Charisma Arts “I find you sexy” statement. But there are simpler ways to let her know you’re interested that shouldn’t freak a girl out. Women want to know that you want them.

It doesn’t matter of course if you’re happy with takings things slow — more power to you. But if a guy doesn’t want to wait as long, I will say that many conservative girls will sleep with a guy much sooner than three months if he’s willing to make a move on her. Cultural values often lose out to biology.

10 Ra May 10, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Back in my day, we still called these dates. I’d ask a girl out for a date and instead of going out for dinner and a movie or drinks, we’d stroll the boardwalk, browse bookstores, and listen to music in my car. Do things the way you want to do them and you’ll find girls who are into you and not girls who are into what you can do for them.

11 Sal May 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

I literally used to say, “I like you,” at some point in the conversation, per the big 4. For me, things worked out a lot better by showing and not telling it.

My hobbies are oriented towards partner dancing, particularly the latin styles of dance, which are quite sensual. I take lots of classes and then invite the girls I’m interested in out to dance. The girls who show up time and time again, and who act very feminine when I embrace them are the ones I date.

If I had asked those girls on dates right off the bat, I would have blown my chances with 99% of them. It makes no sense to me why girls usually get so coy when you tell them verbally you like them early on, but they just do. That’s been my experience.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter though if I’m non verbal. If dating is a business, then there are lots of ways to make a living. Match your skills to a market and you’ll do fine in the long run.

12 GK May 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Awesome, Sal. It sounds like you’ve really adapted this stuff to your lifestyle and personality, and not the other way around. That’s what it’s all about.

And I can see why showing verbal interest right away at dance classes would have an adverse effect on women. I found this to be true when I tried out some salsa classes a few years ago. I’m sure the same would apply to the gym, yoga class or similar places where the girls have showed up for a specific reason. Those are places to tread lightly.

13 Kad1994 July 27, 2012 at 6:22 am

I wouldnt have sex with a guy unless he took me out a a nice date. Plus it would be a while before i had sex with him. Id have to be in love with him. Sex is a sentimental thing. Not something that you just give away to anybody.

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15 GK Ques November 19, 2012 at 12:24 am

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17 steve November 24, 2012 at 8:10 am

great comments

18 Anonymous February 13, 2013 at 9:15 am

I agree! As a woman, we don’t want to eat another dinner! Make me part of your world! Include me! Maybe cook!

19 Anon August 10, 2013 at 8:52 pm

I am a woman who cares more about the emotional/intellectual connection than the monetary value of a person. In my opinion, money cannot buy happiness.
If you are so arrogant as to think you’re getting laid on the first few dates (especially if you are making me feel like I have no value other than a sexual rendevous) you have to be stupid.

20 Angel August 7, 2015 at 6:38 pm

Some examples of what I’m talking about:
“◾Take her out for a walk in the park: To this day this is one of my favorite activities. You walk around the park, talk, make her feel good, even grab an ice cream/coffee from the closest shop (don’t pay for her). There’s absolutely no pressure on this activity and that instantly loosens her up.
◾Rent bikes and go cycling together.
◾Do sports together.
◾Take her to free events: ”

Wow!!!!! You just described a date.

21 Angel August 7, 2015 at 6:43 pm

This is the dumbest article ever. Taking a walk in a park is a date, taking a girl out to a free event is a date, going out for coffee is a date and, person who ask should pay etc. As a woman I prefer a walk in the park over a dinner. I prefer actually doing something cheap or free on the first DATE then an expensive dinner. Expensive dates should be saved for special occasions anyway.

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