Wingman Chronicles: When to Screen Her Out

by GK on August 9, 2011 · 18 comments

A large portion of this blog is devoted to helping guys put their best foot forward socially so that women like them. We shouldn’t pretend to be above wanting to be liked. And as I discussed in my Jay Cutler post a while back, few of us can go through life without being liked at all.

But let’s not forget that we have some approval of our own to give. Or in some cases, to not give. Here’s an example of that.

Mock my shirt at your own peril, ladies!

I was out with my buddy Tre Tre recently at our favorite local bar. Often, our nights there are spent more on discussing football than talking to girls, but this time Tre saw potential.

He spotted two ladies seated behind us at the bar, and he thought the blonde was cute. We used a little stealth in getting up from our seats and sitting next to theirs by saying hello to the bartender and chatting him up briefly. The girls were talking to the bartender as well, and Tre waited for his chance to join the discussion.

When he heard the blonde discussing her upcoming trip to Turkey, where he’d spent a lot of time, he had his chance.

As only Tre can do, he had the girls’ complete attention by talking about his experience in Turkey and asking about her trip. I hadn’t even said a word to them yet — I didn’t need to. I had no doubt that Tre had the blonde, but then, the blonde lost him.

Tre was suggesting she not wear loud colors in Turkey as a safety measure, and out of nowhere, she pointed at me and said, “Yeah, like that guy’s shirt. It’s so jarring.”

It was my first night wearing my red-and-blue striped Rugby shirt — a shirt I was excited to get, by the way. I could only presume the blonde was joking, even if she had a straight face.

I was caught off guard, but I just smiled and said that I hadn’t even talked to her yet and she was ripping my style. She had every chance to smile or say “just kidding,” and it would have defused the whole thing. Maybe I would have liked her more for it. Instead, she kept her straight face and said, “Just giving you constructive criticism.”

I wanted to say a lot to her, especially that I didn’t take fashion criticism from women who wore loose, one-shouldered sweaters straight out of 1983. But I bit my tongue and let the conversation continue, out of loyalty to Tre Tre.

But Tre had seen enough right there. It’s not that he needed to defend me over a shirt — I’m a big boy — but she had just displayed a character trait he disliked in women. She was a bully, and if she showed negativity to his friend right in front of him, she probably did the same with other people.

So Tre turned away from them, and even when they re-engaged him on their way out and gave him every chance to ask for the blonde’s number, he didn’t do it. Much as a certain famous athlete had ruined it by disrespecting a girl’s friends, this girl had done the reverse.

Obviously, I loved Tre for doing that just for my ego’s sake. But this isn’t about me. It’s about having some lines in life — not many, but just a few. And when someone crosses that line, you know there’s no going back. Had a girl I liked picked on Tre that way, I would have dismissed her just the same.

In the big scheme of things, a good rugby shirt beats a lame woman every time.

{ 18 comments }

1 Alfonso L August 10, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Great story, it’s amazing how negativity can kill the mood and a great chance to meet quality people. I’m curious about the way they left, did they got angry at Tre Tre because he didn’t take the number or did they just left? I ask because the negative people I’ve crossed so far are experts into blaming others and portray themselves as the victims.

2 GK August 10, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Thanks, Alfonso! Actually, the girls were being friendly on their way out — they just sort of lingered there for a minute, as if waiting for Tre to make a move. The blonde even smiled at me for once and offered to shake my hand. But it struck me as fake and a last-ditch attempt to impress Tre, and I reckon Tre thought the same. She had already shown her true colors.

3 scn August 11, 2011 at 5:07 am

This is par for the course where I’m from. Call it bullying, call it a love tap to see what I’m made of, call it a shit test – big city girls I’ve approached as a genuine and friendly guy will often challenge me out of the blue like this.

I don’t like it either but I tell myself it’s like interviewing for a coveted, high paying job – I can’t expect just a bunch of softball questions, there are going to be a few fastballs to my face to see how I react.

4 Tre August 12, 2011 at 8:52 am

Alfonso, there was very little anger in the interaction at all. We were having a nice interaction, then just out of the blue she zings Greg right between the eyes for no reason. I thought she was kidding at first as well, but proceded to insult him further. She wasn’t playing around, she deliberately meant to be mean and she did it over something incredibly trivial: his shirt. I didn’t feel like it was worth it to get into a scuffle over it, so I just disengaged. They came back around in hopes that I’d make a move, but I wasn’t taking the bait unless she apologized. Funny, the shoe was on the the other foot: she wanted to engage and move the interaction along, but she blew it.

5 Tre August 12, 2011 at 8:58 am

scn, I think you missed the point. It wasn’t a shit test. She didn’t insult me, she insulted GK. He was just standing there and hadn’t said a word yet–I was the one who engaged her. It was going well and she wanted to keep going, but after she blindsided GK, I completely lost interest in her.

Regardless, living in NYC and SF for most of my adult life, as well as traveling around the world regularly, I find that most beautiful women are actually quite pleasant. Maybe I just have a knack for bring the best out of people. 😉

6 scn August 12, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I wasn’t there, so I’ll have to take your word for it that it wasn’t a shit test. I just can’t think of any other reason why she would be snide to GK out of the blue. I would have presumed it was a shit test directed collectively at “the two guys hitting on her at the bar,” but addressed to GK just because he was presenting an easier target, sitting there silently in his colorful shirt.

As regards to your finding beautiful women in big cities quite pleasant, I’d have to give you the credit for that, as it sounds like your vibe is truly bringing out the best in them.

7 Anonymous August 12, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Or maybe your vibe is bringing out stand-offish reactions? Not trying to be rude, it’s just something that popped into my head and might be food for thought…

And I don’t see why this would be a shittest. Not everything is a test for potential mates to see how well you handle it. Sometimes people are just rude or mean-spirited for no reason. It’s not always a test you have to pass. Sometimes it’s just bad behavior that you shouldn’t put up with, not matter how attractive someone is.

8 Alfonso L August 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

GK and Tre I get what you mean such an act can be a dealbreaker and a turn off on itself big enough to loose any romantic interest and even friendship oriented interest. Funny how an apology could have got things back on track again and she didn’t seem to realize that, maybe she didn’t feel like she did anything wrong?

However I must recognize that leaving with a smile on their face after such a rejection is something I admire. In my case when women make such a move they get pissed off if I reject them even though they showed an attitude similar to what you described. Maybe I’ve had bad luck or maybe I end up being rude without knowing, either way I must say that I do appreciate a woman that can handle rejection with a smile on her face and not make a big deal about it.

9 GK August 13, 2011 at 1:48 am

These are some great comments, guys.

Whoever you are, Anonymous, you took the words out of my mouth. This was simply the case of a rude girl being rude, not a shit test. She was actually receptive toward Tre the entire time. As you said, it’s not always about us.

SCN, unlike the blonde, I really am giving you constructive criticism here. :) If you’re consistently getting negativity from women, it may have to do with you. Women are like that cave Luke enters in “Empire Strikes Back.” What you take in is often what you find inside (no sexual pun intended). So maybe you could work on improving your vibe.

Thanks for the different perspective, Alfonso. I don’t know what you’re doing to break so many hearts, but at least these girls kept their cool. :)

10 scn August 13, 2011 at 4:35 am

Yes Anonymous and GK, I meant to imply exactly that, perhaps I am bringing out less than the best in these girls with my vibe. But if so, I’ll be darned if I know how.

I do well enough with less attractive girls, midwesterners, or Canadians – all notoriously nice classes of girls. But with big city hot girls I’ll either bore them or get offered the spiked end of the stick.

I would cherish watching video of GK and Tre Tre approaching some hotties at a top SF nightclub to see how they get such good reactions from such tough nuts.

11 Hill August 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

scn, why don tyou date less attractive girls, midwesterners, and Canadians instead of worrying about conquring the mean big city girls? Why dont you focus on the girs who treat you right instead of focusing on the girls who don’t?

I agree with evrything said by everyone else. One of my closest friends is still dating a (former) mean girl. She’s nice to him but she wasn’ nice to everyone else before they ended up splitting. I always hatedthe way she’d criticize me after I’d flirt with waitresses who genuinely seemed to like me. The firs ttime I met her, I let it slide. When I saw her doing it again I called her on it and our relationship has never been better (of corse it was bad for a long while after tat). Actually, it wasn’t until my boy dropped her and she wanted him back that she started playing nice with everyone else. She hasn’t apaologize yet, and she never will, but i can’t hold grudges. Life’s too short and it’s not like she’s still on a 365 period. So congrats for Tre for sticking up to his friend and for you to stic5king up for your shirt. Rugby rules.

12 GK August 13, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Hill, you raise a great question.

scn, if by “top” SF nightclubs you mean the ones with velvet ropes and nasty bouncers, that’s not where Tre and I go. We prefer less pretentious places, like the “Prince vs. Michael Jackson” dance night we attended last week. The girls may not be wearing 4-inch heels, but they’re still attractive and they’re much more our style: fun and friendly.

If I could import Midwestern and Canadian girls into this city, I would do it in a heartbeat. They’re awesome. To hell with “hot” mean girls. What are they doing to deserve you?

My days of making videos are over. But scn, if you’re ever in SF and want to spend a night out with Tre and I to see how we do, consider yourself invited. Bring your “A” vibe. :)

13 scn August 13, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Bummer no video coming, but thanks for the kind invite. Good incentive for me to keep working to make the grade with my vibe. :)

I too love nice midwest and Canadian girls, they rock. I will continue to pursue them. But I don’t want to restrict my options to only the most easily approachable girls. And certainly not to the less attractive / less successful / lower self-esteem girls who are unpretentious and friendly because they have no choice.

I don’t want to be forced to skip over major categories of big city hot girls such as models, accomplished artists, successful advertising or fashion types, etc. Most of these girls party and socialize like they mean it (no Prince vs. Michael Jackson dance night). Most have rich or attractive men regularly pursuing them. These tend to be the most compelling girls in town and also some of the hardest shelled and toughest to talk to (for me anyway). While I’m sure some really are shallow or really are bitches I want no part of, I think many others are good girls that just present aloofness and hostility to strange men as a fascade, a defense mechanism, or a filtering tool.

I’d like to have the skills to be able to go to the right places to meet, handle, and succeed with these in-demand women. I’d like to be able to manage through their front end BS to uncover and connect with the genuine people hidden within. Then I could have the best of both worlds in my life.

14 Hill August 14, 2011 at 11:30 am

To quote a good frend of mine, you are putting the pussy on a pedestal. There’s a reason why some of the richest men end up with average looking girls after surving a string of divvorces to models and starlets. And it’s not because they are average looking. It’s because those averaege girls have something to show besides an impressive resume. Guys think they have options and maximize their options. Big city girls you’re afraid of missing out on by simply focusing on hot Canadians and Midwesterners, you never had them. It’s not abotu options, it’s about making decisions. We have more channels than evr on cable. I still watch only 2-3 of those channels at best. My roomate hates all three of them. Despite all the videos available to me on YouTube and facebooks, I still watch the same genres of videos. My career is something I’m driven to do, my only choices were to accept it or reject it. While more “stuff” is available to me than ever, I find myself sticking with the same types over and over again. And its true for all the guys I’ve ever met. The option thing is bullshit. It’s about making decisions, its abuot committment. And most guys are afraid to do so. They act out of fear of losing something they never had. Your genes make you a puzzle piece. Tehre’s only one place for you in that cosmic puzzle. The disconnect your feeling just means you don’t belong where you are. Guys see that as an insult rather than a reason to find their place. They try to make themselves fit it instead of finding a place they do fit in. Gays go to gay friendly cities instead of trying to make it work in backwards hick towns. Take a lesson from them. Be nice to your penis and be with a nice girl. You’ll be surprised to see how different the big city girls look to you and what you look like to them then.

15 GK August 14, 2011 at 2:54 pm

scn, I don’t want to pile on you here. I’m just trying to help. I think you mean well and you’re a longtime reader of this blog. At the same time, from the goals you’ve laid out, I have to be honest: I think you’re setting yourself up for years of disappointment when what could make you happy is right in front of you.

It makes me sad when I see guys chase that bitchy “10” just because other guys want her, when there are far better and more compatible girls to choose from. You think friendly Midwestern and Canadian girls are NOT as compelling as cold city girls just because they’re more approachable? You think people like me who go to Prince vs. Michael DON’T party like we mean it?

Options are well and good. But what’s far more important is this: Know Who You Are. It seems like you consider a woman higher quality just because she’s colder toward men or because other guys want her. Farah Fawcett was one of the most beautiful women in America, and she was renowned for making every guy feel like she was flirting with him. And the fact is, many guys chase the wrong girls just because of their hotness. You seem to value friendliness in women, so why not reward them for that rather than pursue others?

Now, if you live a lifestyle that actually involves exclusive clubs, fashion designers and models, then forget what I said. But I get the sense that’s not really who you are. And this is what I mean when I say game is overrated. By and large, we attract people who are like us. And if she likes you and relates to you, you don’t need much game at all.

I went to the most exclusive club in Miami this year — I only got in because of a connection — and let me tell you, I would want nothing to do with 95 percent of the hot girls in there. They were far from compelling in my book, and all they cared about was which guy had bottle service. I could tell we had nothing in common. I’ve found the same thing at similar clubs in SF. You say you want skills to overcome that, but unless you want to manipulate them or act like someone you’re not, no amount of good vibe will help you with those girls.

The skills are the same with all girls. Rather than spend all your time on skills, I suggest figuring out which girls you’re actually more compatible with. I guarantee your success rate will go much higher that way.

16 Anonymous August 14, 2011 at 10:45 pm

greg so you believe that most hot girls view guys as human ATM?

17 GK August 14, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Nope, I’m not saying most hot girls are like that, Anon. I’m saying that there are certain venues, such as an exclusive club in South Beach, where it’s more about flash, and the girls there tend to flock toward guys who appear to have money and status (or at least booze). If you don’t have those things, or you can’t fake it, you’re fighting an upbill battle.

But I don’t go to those places, and the attractive women I go for are different. Sure, women will use guys for drinks or food if the guys are too clueless to know better. And some won’t date you unless they see you’re making good money. But many will respect you for not spoiling them, and they won’t expect a four-star meal. They might even buy you a drink or two.

As the title of this post suggests, you just have to screen the wrong girls out.

18 Tre August 15, 2011 at 10:07 pm

scn,

It seems like you have a an equation in your head that is quite false. Namely, the hotter, more successful and, therefore, more desirable the girl, the more unfriendly and difficult they are because they don’t have to be. Or, if I reiterate what you say above and flip the equation, the less hot, less successful and, therefore, less desirable the girl, the more unfriendly and difficult they are because they have to be. Any false premise taken to be axiomatically true can support whatever one wishes, so I can see why you might arrive at the same conclusion. It is very binary, but to me, it is just a recipe for sadness.

I could list all the women that I know in my life, either romantically or just as friends, that would snap that premise in half. Beautiful women whose have achieved “Big City” success that would leave 99% of grown men whimpering in tears. They also regularly turn heads wherever they go. Almost all of them don’t feign aloofness or put up a shield when they go out in public to fend off unwanted advances. But, almost all of them will put up a shield if a guy is creeping them out. That isn’t them being bitchy, it is them just not wanting to waste their time on some dude that is covering them with more slime than the chubby vapor from Ghostbusters. These women giving the Heisman to dudes who are acting like d-bags is something I fully support.

As far as partying and socializing like they mean it, I’m not really sure what you mean by that, but it seems a little back-handed. Said women referenced above are a blast to be around. They vary in their “partying like they mean it” phase of their life, but that is just the bell curve you’ll find on anyone in life. Overall, many of them of them are very adventurous, well traveled, independent and I find are 1000% more interesting in places they (and me) are more comfortable then when the club music is blasting and the watered down drinks are $15 each.

Then again, as GK says, I guess you find people that are just like you. Except, in my case, the good looking, interesting and successful parts naturally. 😉

All of these, of course, are just anecdotes from my perspective. So take it for that…

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